He conquers who endures..............

[2stepboogie]

Michelle:

Jody adviced me to be available to W to listen to her to validate her feelings and boost her self esteem because it had been tranpled. She adviced me to contact her on occassion and ask her opinion on certain matters, when she gave it appreciate it and move on.

Honestly i don't do a lot of the contacting. When I feel stuck or too much time has gone by I will reach out. At some point I will stop that I think completely. i would say that the contact is prob around 80-20 her.

As far as the text maybe a different choice of words could have gone further, I was not meaning to sound sappy I was meaning to sound confident and strong in my conviction. I am letting her now that I am STANDING for us still.

You are in northern Cali? I owe you a bottle of wine for all your help.

You and Cat are right. My old M is dead I know that now and I can accept that. Truthfully she deserves a better version of me but I also deserve a better version of her.

[cat04]

Honestly i don't do a lot of the contacting. When I feel stuck or too much time has gone by I will reach out. At some point I will stop that I think completely.

How about when you just want to say "hi". No other reason, no thoughts about time, etc...

Act like you want to be her friend, NOT her husband who is still waiting for her to come around.

[MichelleLT]

That's about what I expected Jody had said.

You have gotten better about the contacting. And the contact you do have has gotten more friendly and R talks have happened less frequently.

These are all great baby steps.

The text came across as a very grand romantic gesture to me. I don't know how your W interpreted it of course. I also have no idea whether she likes that sort of thing.

Just keep a beginner's mind. You are working on starting a new R with your W and while you have an amenable friendship with her, you have not even worked up to the first date in this new R. Keep your perspective and don't get too far ahead of yourself.

How would you validate a friend? How would you boost a friend's self esteem?

You do both deserve better. And you can get there if you keep working on your communication skills and keep your desire for control in check.

I am in Nor Cal. Conveniently located an hour or less from wine country to the West, East, and South. Don't waste your money on something I can probably get cheaper. Amazon gift cards are always welcome though.

[2stepboogie]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>UPDATE ALERT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So I am on FB chatting with a friend in the same boat as me and who happens to call.

W "hey. what are you doing"

M "not much you?"

W "just driving back from moms house."

M "oh thats good. rough weather today huh"

W "yeah it rained all day"

M "u get wet?"

W "yeah I am not water proof"

M "lol you sound a little down. everything ok?"

W "yeah just one of those days"

M "i am sorry you are having a rough day"

W "the other job called"

M "thats great."

W "yeah one crappy job for another. i won't take it if the pay is less or the hours stink"

M "well I am sure you will make the right call either way"

Talked some small talk for a little bit

M "well i talked to my buddy who is in the same boat as us"

W "how is he doing with his W"

M "they are doing pretty good actually. they have more contact and are starting to work things out"

W "I would like to talk to his W. Friends don't really understand. They listen but at the end of the convo they go home to their H. its like trying to talk to a friend while you were deployed. Yeah they hear you but don't really get the feeling. The ups and downs. I talk to my mom some she kind of gets it"

M "i know exactly what you mean. I have met a few people in our sitch and it amazes me how much they understand. It has helped. People who have not gone through it don't get it"

W "You have to have gone through this to understand it"

Talked a few more minutes then

W "Are you going to be up awhile?"

M "yep"

W "well I am going to change I just got home. I will call you back in a little bit"

M "ok I'll walk the dog and get ready for bed"

That was it. She will be calling in a little bit.

[2stepboogie]

That's about what I expected Jody had said.

Jody also told me not to make my life seem so great. She said in my W's case if she did not feel needed or respected any attempt by me to seem as if life was wonderful would come across as validating in the wrong direction. I would be validating a negative feeling. Don't be a downer but acknowledge that she is needed if that makes sense.

You have gotten better about the contacting. And the contact you do have has gotten more friendly and R talks have happened less frequently.

I agree with you here. Something I did wrong in the beginning was thinking every talk had to be a R talk. I have learned the hard way that sometimes talking about the weather can be just as effective towards my end goal.

The text came across as a very grand romantic gesture to me. I don't know how your W interpreted it of course. I also have no idea whether she likes that sort of thing.

Most people would view it that way. I strongly believe that she wanted to hear it for some reason. Perhaps I am wrong, I stand by that text.

How would you validate a friend? How would you boost a friend's self esteem?

You do both deserve better. And you can get there if you keep working on your communication skills and keep your desire for control in check.

Excellent point. I have control over ME and thats it.

I am in Nor Cal. Conveniently located an hour or less from wine country to the West, East, and South. Don't waste your money on something I can probably get cheaper. Amazon gift cards are always welcome though.

Once the fog has cleared I will make it my lifes mission to find a way to repay your kindness. I will pay it forward regardless of what happens

[Truegritter]

I will pay it forward regardless of what happens

You will.

You are making your way through this 2step.

And when you do you will want to help others get there because

>>>>>>>>FLUFFY BUNNY ALERT<<<<<<<<<<

You will want them to see the truth that you have learned.

As you have seen there is great power and healing to this process

Pay it forward.

Now

I know you think that your sitch is special and it is to some degree

We are all as special and unique as snow flakes (nickel J3B)

Look

Your W is really trying to figure this out.

She really is trust me.

You have always been there to save her. To take care of things.

Your first instinct? Let's buy the house!

Fixes everything. Job is not going well...fix.

Did you read 5 loves languages?

It has been a while but the most profound part for me was reading toward the front I think about the role of the parent/child.

All I am saying is don't be so eager to placate her. Fix.

I am going to call you out on the text to her.

I don't need an answer. You need to answer yourself honestly.

You did it because you feared by not saying it she may move further away.

Well she needs to move further away from the old patterns of your M and so do you. You say you know your W. You know her in the old M.

And which 2step is showing up when you say those things?

Be honest.

You can lie to us.
You can lie to yourself.
You believe them and you have failed.

Tough day for you I know my friend but we don't let you hide from yourself.

Your best self.

So

Dust yourself off and get back on the pony.

Boogie

...really "boogie" Fish? WTF?

[cat04]

We are all as special and unique as snow flakes

And THAT is how I know

Boogie

...really "boogie" Fish? WTF? [/quote]

Hey, don't you pick on my Fisherman, or I am gonna have to bring B over here...

[cat04]

Damn edit button, was supposed to be...

Boogie

...really "boogie" Fish? WTF?

Hey, don't you pick on my Fisherman, or I am gonna have to bring B over here...

[Mach1]

Hey, can I get the winning lottery numbers for tonite ?

Mach: 33 23 02 12 18 22

Those didn't work, what else isn't ?

Stop mind reading...

At what point does it become mind reading and you just simply knowing your spouse? That is the question I ask.

You knew her well enough to know, it wouldn't hurt her to get your Tat that night too, huh ?

This is why going dark on my W might not be the best approach. In the M she felt neglected and over shadowed by me. She retreated in arguments instead of attacking. She kept it in. She smiled to avoid any conflict. She did for others and always put herself last. Why do I say this? Because I am convinced that if my W feels as if I have completely moved on she WILL give up.

I'm not seeing where anyone is telling you to go dark on her. What I see, is a lot of telling you to NOT start a relationship talk every time your phone goes off...

And that every single text from her, or call from her, you are STILL trying to convince her, and talk your way out of your actions...EVERY TIME

That you ASSUME, that you know every thing she is thinking...

STOP



It's not the contact, It's the context...

She is past the anger almost completely,

She said this ? Or your thoughts ?

personally I think she needed to hear I was still here I was still willing to be married.

If you have said it more than once, then STFU now...

Let your actions speak....words are just words

Otherwise, you assume she is stupid, and can't comprehend what you have said before.

[2stepboogie]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>UPDATE ALERT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ok so she called back. We made small talk about her place and about work.

W "My apt is perfect for me. I love it love it love it"

M "well thats pretty good"

W "it kind of stinks though that I am almost 30 and live in a garage apt with a bunch of stuff that's not even mine. I have debt and half of it I acquired leaving your a$$"

M "yep its true"

W "that sounded a lot meaner than I intended. sorry"

M "thats ok it is true i suppose"

W "it just sounded mean. i didn't mean for it to sound mean"


Convo was kind of like this for a few minutes.

M "you want to get through this boook?"

W "yeah how many pages is the second chapter?"

M "its about 3-4"

W "ok. you don't have to wait for me to read it. you can read it if you like"

M "I know but I am in the middle of another book right now so I figured I would wait for our book and in the meantime I read the other book"

W "Ok. go ahead"

So Chapter 2 of the 5 Love Languages accomplished.

W "very interesting"

M "seems like a good book"

W "yeah it does. you don't have to wait for me to read it"

M "i know"

We talked a few more minutes

M "well I know you have to work tomorrow early"

W "yep"

M "well I will let you get some sleep hopefully tomorrow is a better day than today"

W "it is will be. thank you for listening"

M "of course. your welcome"

thats it