I am assuming <gasp> that your wife is an invert, or an inverted personality.
I will also assume that you are the opposite, and have an extroverted personality.
The biggest obstacle you face appears to be communication. It is the core of your vents lately , and I see you not understanding a lot of it.
It appears that words come easy to you, thoughts are at your forefront , as typical with an extroverted personality.
IF your wife is an introvert, then although she has thoughts, and thinks quickly, she also takes her time to reflect those thoughts before she can express them outwardly.
Things process internally with an introvert.
What I see mostly with you is that you want her to think and respond on YOUR time. Not hers. And that pressure keeps her stuck in her cave until SHE processes them.
Suppose this...
You plant a thought , don't expect her to answer immediately, then walk away until her answer comes on HER time ?
I had to learn this myself in a relationship. I had always communicated on my terms, for me, and what I used to process information.
Then I realized that I was running over top of this person in a way that I couldn't see. It came across as pushy and controlling. And when the answer wasn't there when I felt it should be there, my expectations would skyrocket and my patience were non-existent.
I have seen that lately, when you press and disagree, it is because she feels pressed, and pressured into an immediate response that she probably can't put into words right at that moment.
What I an also seeing is, that after an amount of time ( which you spend stewing, because your patience is gone and your expectations are not met) she eventually comes around and you discuss things. Then you come on here and promise that you won't do that again....
This move is a HUGE step.....give her space to process it...
Bolt I have exact same feeling with my W. She acts the same way now in some respects as she acted the day after the bomb. No change in emotion.
Sometimes I wonder what the heck she does with hers. See her emotions would be huge to me in that I could kinda see how she feels about things. I mean emotions come out in arguments or talks, but on a day-to-day basis it seems like she's just carrying on as normal with us.
She tells me that she does get emotional about our situation a times, she tells me that she wants to be physically intimate again, etc.
She loves to pull this one on me in fights. "I never just get mad at you for the past." Sometimes I wish she would, but she sees no point to it.
I guess this is just our difference.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I am assuming <gasp> that your wife is an invert, or an inverted personality.
I will also assume that you are the opposite, and have an extroverted personality.
The biggest obstacle you face appears to be communication. It is the core of your vents lately , and I see you not understanding a lot of it.
It appears that words come easy to you, thoughts are at your forefront , as typical with an extroverted personality.
IF your wife is an introvert, then although she has thoughts, and thinks quickly, she also takes her time to reflect those thoughts before she can express them outwardly.
Things process internally with an introvert.
What I see mostly with you is that you want her to think and respond on YOUR time. Not hers. And that pressure keeps her stuck in her cave until SHE processes them.
Suppose this...
You plant a thought , don't expect her to answer immediately, then walk away until her answer comes on HER time ?
I had to learn this myself in a relationship. I had always communicated on my terms, for me, and what I used to process information.
Then I realized that I was running over top of this person in a way that I couldn't see. It came across as pushy and controlling. And when the answer wasn't there when I felt it should be there, my expectations would skyrocket and my patience were non-existent.
I have seen that lately, when you press and disagree, it is because she feels pressed, and pressured into an immediate response that she probably can't put into words right at that moment.
What I an also seeing is, that after an amount of time ( which you spend stewing, because your patience is gone and your expectations are not met) she eventually comes around and you discuss things. Then you come on here and promise that you won't do that again....
This move is a HUGE step.....give her space to process it...
that is exactly right. I know it is. Because what do you think happened just MOMENTS after I wrote that?
Yep...she came and we talked...
Now that I'm seeing the pattern, I can start to process it. I can understand it and even prepare for it.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Harrier, my wife does not deal in emotions, hates discussing feelings, will not discuss the past, has not interest in sharing old stories, will not plan too far into the future. She live in the almost completely in the present - and since the past and future don't really exist for her she has a hard time seeing or considering the effects of her actions. She also says she doesn't make or worry about keeping promises. Took me a long time to understand, but she is an ACOA, with a mom who was not only an alcoholic but also has a mental illness, like others in her family. As best I can tell she had to cut away this part of herself to survive when she was maybe 14-20 years old. If any of this sounds familiar - it may not - I can suggest a good book. Sort of a shot in the dark I know.....
