Thanks for your post, and all of the others you've made. This thread has been a good place for me to share my situation and get some good feedback. I took a day to think about what you said before replying....
Letting go of the resentment I have has been a long process, going on a couple of years. Although I wish my W had been more understanding and supportive, getting over this really is something I need to do myself. The positive steps I've taken do pay off; my W does seem to like the changes a lot. I need to build on that.
Since you've been along with the ride I thought you might like to know some of the changes I've made over the winter, thanks in part to this site and what I've read. These are my DBing successes. The boys and I took our dog to obedience school, started guitar lessons, go hiking once a week, and begain getting all the neighborhood kids together on Sunday afternoons for ultimate frisbee games. We spent more time with my dad and some male friends. I encouraged my W to make some important decisions together and then made a point to celebrate those decisions, and stay very positive about them. I encouraged her to do her thing too. I did these things for me and my family, not to please my W (this was hard and you know I struggled with it). And not to compete with the other guy in her life.
My W seems to have noticed. When I tell her how wonderful she looks she giggles and accepts it instead of seeming skeptical of my motives. Even when there is tension, she seems to like the "new" way I approach it, matter-of-factly (though I'm not perfect with this, it's definately better). I'm not afraid to take the lead in family matters and my W has suprised me (no, SHOCKED me!) by actually LETTING me get in front a bit, instead of having to always be the one in charge. Some of this is new stuff I've learned, some is just the "old me" that had gotten lost. W seems to like the changes. (A LOT).
So this is the path to saving my M. The stuff going on inside - those are just obstacles....pretty big ones at times, they are painful and they can make me question my progress....but I'm learning what I need to do to get passed them.
Can't tell you how much I've appreciated the help here. A year ago, even 6 months ago, things were pretty bad. And throw W's boss into the picture and we were REALLY struggling. Better now. I'd say about half way back to where we should be. Hopefully W finds me and our family the better alternative; but if not at least I'll be able to handle it.
