Thankfully, it has all been internal and my W is pretty happy with things.
do you guys every have moments of sheer panic? Sometimes my mind just goes off in a very dark direction and it colors my whole view of things. I don't know if it is just part of the healing process or not.
What is bugging me. In case you don't remember my W had a short lived EA, with this guy who was her mentor. It never got really intense with this guy and the most she said to him was that she had a strong attachment to him. She never said she loved him nor did they make secret plans to run away, etc. (I read their emails) She also texted him only about 1-2 times per day on average, didn't call him outside of work hours, only had emails in bunches like 5 one day then nothing for a week. I say this not to minimize the EA, but just to give you some background. She has told me that he was an escape from the problems in our marriage at the time.
In early Dec., she decide to cut off for while to work on the M. She refused to cut off all contact with him because they work in a small field, she knew they had an upcoming project and would talk, and she said what happened scared her as to what she could lose if things progressed with this mentor.
In mid Jan., she starts communication with him again, for the project. They have to have a meeting or 2 (with other people also). My W has been hit or miss on telling me these things. They have communication on and mostly off through last week. I don't know the extent of it as I don't have access to her email.
The last couple of weeks, he's kinda screwed her over professionally on a couple things and I think she was very upset about it. So she tells me that she's handing off the project to someone else and she probably will rarely seem him now. But she thought that he was freezing her out because of the past EA issue. She wanted to clear the air with him because he is an important professional contact. I was against the idea, but didn't say anything. Then on Monday she says that she decided against the talk and basically her email to him ended with Maybe, I'll see you around sometime. he works someplace else 4/5 days of the week.
But my mind is going crazy about it. 1. She never fully explained the extent of the EA. She has apologized. 2. While she didn't do everything I asked for in Dec., she has done so now. I think she had to come to this idea on her own and it helped that we were progressing.
So I have these crazy thoughts about the extent of the EA. Maybe it was physical and she didn't tell me, maybe she was deeply in love with him and didn't tel me. Then I have crazy thoughts about now like maybe she's going to start it up again, maybe she's going to leave me for him this time, maybe she's starting PA with him now (as we are not ML)
Now I have no evidence for any of these thoughts, yet I still have them. Last night there were so bad I couldn't eat and thought I was going to puke.
My W has said ILY 2x over the past 3 days. Why am I feeling this? the problem also is that it interferes with my ability to handle the limit physical affection.
I just need to get this out. thoughts would be appreciated.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
