Let Us Be Outstanding Together.

[Busting Mode]

True,

Thank you for all you contribute to myself and other people.

I want to be sure I am understanding what you are saying, and what you are saying is frying my circuits a little.

I feel I would like to be loved when I am peaceful and content...

I feel I would like to be loved even more when I am afraid.

So it sounds to me like you are suggesting that when my wife (or perhaps any WAS) is feeling scared and afraid, that is when they need it the most.

And it is in these times of distress that Love has it's greatest power.

I have tears of release now.
You have helped me see things more clearly.
I am STILL not being as loving and supportive of my wife as I need to be every moment.
I am still not as attuned and congruent as I need to be in order to go the distance.
I am still kidding myself that I'm totally committed.
I'm still focused on my fears.

What do you mean

"Lay up" ?

[Busting Mode]

My Wife is having constant challenges with her 14 year old daughter.

D14 is very unhappy with herself and with her life.

Among D14s problems in the past were:

Her father committed suicide before she was born
Her mother doted on her
Her mother later married an emotionally abusive man and had a son with him.
D14 never felt loved or accepted by mom's husband.
Mom got divorced when D14 was 8
Mom found new, emotionally distant guy (me) who only superficially appeared to like D14
New guy was often gone, leaving D14 to look after younger brother while mom works nights as a nurse.
So much pressure on D14 she starts finding comfort in sex from older boys, starts cutting herself, smoking, drinking, doing drugs...
Police get involved several times
child services get involved several times
Mom is freaking out and doesn't know what to do
New guy is able to mediate between daughter and mom but not able to love as firmly and strongly as required.
D14 starts lashing out physically at new guy (me)
Things rapidly deteriorate even further.

Finally! mom decides to dump (divorce) new guy
things seem to be better now that he is gone and it's just me, brother and mom again

But I know I am still unhappy and messed up...

I am still required to be the parent when my mom is away at work
I am doing my best with that and I love my little brother
but I am caught somewhere between childhood and being an adult.

I wish...

I wish...

I just wish I was happy and I wish my mom was happy, too.

[Busting Mode]

Friends,

Please give me your opinion on this letter I am thinking of sending to my wife today. Meanwhile, I will commit to not sending it until I get some feedback!

Don't completely trust myself yet!


---------------



Hey there,

I have been thinking a lot about D14 lately.

Given everything that both of you have been through together,
and all the stuff that each of you is dealing with on your own right now,
I just want to acknowledge what a great mom you are to both your kids.

I know it's not easy for any of you right now,
and for D14 especially the amount of change and insecurity in her life is undoubtedly overwhelming.

So I just wanted to say I think you are doing great in spending more time with her and giving her the one-on-one
loving she so desperately wants and needs.

I think it's great that you are giving her driving lessons, and it's wonderful that the three of you are going on vacation together.

Also, my offer is still open to pay for having someone come over for a couple of hours on the nights that you are working,
to help take some of the pressure off you and D14 both. I think if it's presented as having someone there to help her,
rather than to watch her, she might be more receptive.

Also, I'd be happy to arrange and pay for someone to drive the kids to school, karate and the rec center on days you would rather not or can't.

I have someone in mind who might be able to help you with any or all of that, or we could also try putting an ad in craigslist.

No strings attached. I know I have often failed you and D14 in the past, so now I just want to help out any way I can.


- Michael

[LearningPatience]

IMHO, that's way too long and way too much. It comes across like you're trying to be the knight in shining armor come to rescue the damsel in distress. Very pursuing.

If you want to send a short note saying she's a great mom and you understand how rough it is for her now, that would probably be fine. You could also state that if there is anything she needs to let you know. Write your letter like you were writing to a friend. I doubt you'd offer to arrange and pay for a good friend's children to have a babysitter and chauffeur, would you?

[Truegritter]

So it sounds to me like you are suggesting that when my wife (or perhaps any WAS) is feeling scared and afraid, that is when they need it the most.

Yes that is what I mean.

And more...We get what we give.

Love how you would want to be loved.

It is not an easy choice (like a lay up in basketball) or the most obvious.

You can love that way when your anger and self righteousness has been put in its place.

And you are getting there.

Sorry sometimes I talk in the cryptic verse of a comical mystic like Mach1.

[cat04]

Sorry sometimes I talk in the cryptic verse of a comical mystic like Mach1.

Hmmm...

This looks like another clue...

[Truegritter]

Busting

Nice letter.

What are you trying to accomplish?

If it is to truly help her with the burden just tell her what you are willing to do (actions)

The rest are nice words and trying to tell her your a guy who cares.

I think it is great you feel those things.

You can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into.

Actions not words my friend.

Don't send the letter.

[Busting Mode]

Love how you would want to be loved.

I would want to be loved by someone I can count on.
Somebody who is consistent and reliable.
Somebody I can trust.

Somebody who can take care of their Self,
and who doesn't "need" me for anything.

Somebody who is completely self-sufficient, complete, and whole withing their Self.

Someone who is happy with their Self.

Someone who is so confident and secure within their self that they are able give there all whenever it is required, without fear, without holding back...

And without hedging their bets.

Someone who is willing and able to go all in with me.
Someone who is willing and able to keep up and go the distance with me.
Someone who is willing and able to do their part and carry their own weight and work with me and listen to me and believe in me and trust me.

Completely.

[Coach]

Love how you would want to be loved.

I would want to be loved by someone I can count on.
Somebody who is consistent and reliable.
Somebody I can trust.

Somebody who can take care of their Self,
and who doesn't "need" me for anything.

Somebody who is completely self-sufficient, complete, and whole withing their Self.

Someone who is happy with their Self.

Someone who is so confident and secure within their self that they are able give there all whenever it is required, without fear, without holding back...

And without hedging their bets.

Someone who is willing and able to go all in with me.
Someone who is willing and able to keep up and go the distance with me.
Someone who is willing and able to do their part and carry their own weight and work with me and listen to me and believe in me and trust me.

Completely.

It actually works alot better to love someone in ways that makes them feel loved.

Read His Needs/Her Needs and The Five Love Languages.

[Busting Mode]

To get results like I have never seen before,
I must become something I have never been before.

What must I become?

I must become confident in myself.
I must become true in my friendship with my wife.
I must become secure in my wife's love for me.

That's a clear view of the path.
Now what is my next step.

Continue to do my job today.
Manage my state.
Minimize distractions.
Get the hard things done.

I am driven by the challenge!
I love the challenge,
the challenge loves me!

The challenge is good for me!

I adore who I am becoming!