H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Journaling:

It took me forever to go home. I hung around the office, doing expense reports until I absolutely had to go home, and face the music. I did not even feel like looking at H's face. He was cooking dinner for me and D12 when I got home. I chatted about some school activities, etc. and he did respond, I could tell the conversation on his side was forced, but for me after the ice was cracked it was normal. H is in pain, I could sense. I am not in any mood to wonder, just chalk it at his generally miserable state.

Maybe I am truly getting detached, but with a touch of disgust. I think I am losing my respect for H. And I am gaining respect and love for myself.

I do not want to lose my respect for H, but I cannot help it. He is falling from the pedestal I placed him on.

Grace, they are hurting so much, but so are we. Although it is true, they also suffer from the guilt of hurting as so it is a double whammy for them, while we can be righteous about our position and that sort of gives us a feeling of redemption. Come to think of it, I would rather be in my place than in his.

I left the house to get some groceries, and in the car, cried for the loss of my feelings. But at the same time, I am glad that I do not feel pain, and as i suspected, but was afraid to test, I have turned a corner in my own emotional maturity. I am relinquishing control of external factors and gaining control over myself. That is huge as one of my weaknesses is self control.

Right now my H is sleeping, jet lagged. I do not have any desire to come close. I look at him and no longer feel the tenderness and compassion welling inside of me.

Maybe tomorrow it will come back, who knows. But not a single day has passed before that I did not feel it, this is someting new for me.

I wonder if I will still feel physically attracted when I see him looking good, in the days to come. That is one of our strongest bonds in the past.

Whatever it is, I thank God for putting me into this more relaxed, open state.