That is so sad, because D12 actually was always closer to H than me. He is the one who is the hands on parent - cooks, brings her to school and back. But I guess his EA has taken its toll on how he interacts with her.
This is the same here with my D16. They had the best ever relationship and I would sometimes be jealous of it! But now, D16 feels OW has taken her place. She and I have grown closer during this time too!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
I can't believe how nervous I am about his coming home. I have been so calm that I am so afraid to be upset. I hope I don't get an anxiety attack from working myself up too much.
I am reminding myself: the old H is not walking through the door when he comes back. No matter how pleasant our conversations were by phone, it doesn't mean he has changed at all.
The house will be clean, the atmosphere will be calm, it will be just another day in Angel's household.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
He's back. His plane was supposed to land at 1:40, I texted him by 2:49 to ask if he will pick up D12. he called by around 4:00 to tell me he will, and that his plane was late.
My detachment flies out of the window... when he was not responding right away I started thinking negative thoughts - maybe he called OW first before us, etc. etc. then just told myself to stop it, does it matter to me anyway.
The detachment thing - to get it right one has to exercise the mind, and try again and again until you get it. Even having the right mindset does not mean it will happen, you have to work on it.
BUt so is everything.
I was just thinking about forbidden love - like what our spouses have with the OW.
If it were our teenage, underage kids who fell in love, we expect them to be able to cntrol their emotions, to not entertain their feelings. We let them know what he consequences are: unwanted pregnancies, responsibilities before they are ready, not being able to attain their dreams. Sometimes some parents even threaten their kids. When I was young, I fell in love and my parents pulled me out of school, made me stay home for a year, threatened me with getting disowned if I contiued with the relationship. I thought I would die of heartbreak, but in 6 months, was in love with another guy For this reason, I could not hate my parents for what they did, it was a valuable lesson on what being "in love" was, and because of that, I can differentiate between the love I feel for my H and the infatuation he is probably feeling for OW.
Why can't our spouses think about that or realize that? the consequences are even more grave this time around: their children being scarred for life, losing out on all they have built financially and career wise, the harm done to spouses and family, etc. It is worse when our spouses regress to being irresponsible teenagers and yet we can't even be a parent to them!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
You're right that detachment is a state of mind. It was also very hard for me to get there. We are all on our own clocks with this.
Interesting that you equated your H's infatuation with OW to that of teenagers. Have you also noticed that because it is "forbidden" it's like telling your teenage daughter she is forbidden from seeing a boy. Talk about a way to make her "fall in love" with him.
You parents were lucky you were a dutiful daughter. I realize that it is also cultural, just the same it could have been much tougher on everyone.
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Why can't our spouses think about that or realize that?
They're really incapable of thinking of much of anything outside their own happiness. I think they are hurting so much they are just looking for anything to relieve it.
It took me forever to go home. I hung around the office, doing expense reports until I absolutely had to go home, and face the music. I did not even feel like looking at H's face. He was cooking dinner for me and D12 when I got home. I chatted about some school activities, etc. and he did respond, I could tell the conversation on his side was forced, but for me after the ice was cracked it was normal. H is in pain, I could sense. I am not in any mood to wonder, just chalk it at his generally miserable state.
Maybe I am truly getting detached, but with a touch of disgust. I think I am losing my respect for H. And I am gaining respect and love for myself.
I do not want to lose my respect for H, but I cannot help it. He is falling from the pedestal I placed him on.
Grace, they are hurting so much, but so are we. Although it is true, they also suffer from the guilt of hurting as so it is a double whammy for them, while we can be righteous about our position and that sort of gives us a feeling of redemption. Come to think of it, I would rather be in my place than in his.
I left the house to get some groceries, and in the car, cried for the loss of my feelings. But at the same time, I am glad that I do not feel pain, and as i suspected, but was afraid to test, I have turned a corner in my own emotional maturity. I am relinquishing control of external factors and gaining control over myself. That is huge as one of my weaknesses is self control.
Right now my H is sleeping, jet lagged. I do not have any desire to come close. I look at him and no longer feel the tenderness and compassion welling inside of me.
Maybe tomorrow it will come back, who knows. But not a single day has passed before that I did not feel it, this is someting new for me.
I wonder if I will still feel physically attracted when I see him looking good, in the days to come. That is one of our strongest bonds in the past.
Whatever it is, I thank God for putting me into this more relaxed, open state.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I'm glad you are in a relaxed place. Take advantage of it.
I can be really hard not to lose respect for them. It ultimately comes down to how many angles you can see this mess from and when you are in a good place that is much easier to do.
You're right that we hurt too. Like you, I would rather be in my place than his.
About your comment on me being a dutiful daughter: I was not then. I fought tooth and nail to not be brought home. I tried to escape.
This was of course in my home country, where nobody interferes with other peoples family business. You are from SF area, I am sure you are familiar with traditional Asian culture.
But looking back, I appreciate how they saved me from ruining my life. Turns out my BF then became a wife beater! What a narrow escape!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Somebody stop me please from doing smething I will regret later on. I have to go through this slowly and process it. Maybe wait a couple of weeks to see how I feel after we have a few more daya, especially with some "fun" times coming up.
After having a quiet two weeks without H, now that he is back I am again cycling, affected by his presence. Not necessarily his mood - he is the same old H.... it is like something changed inside of me. Something that wants to push him out of my life.
I am really getting so tired of the situation. On top of that, D12 seems tired too, has admitted to being angry at her dad for what he is doing to our family, has told me that she is not sure any longer that she enjoys being with him like before. I am realizing that maybe life without H, just me and D, would be happier.I am feeling trapped in a sense, and am having that "I need to get out, escape from this situation" feeling. Its as if the tables were turned. I have talked about turning into a WAS before but never has the feeling been so strong.
Right now, I want to give up. I was praying so hard this morning after H left, because in my mind I don't want to give up, but my heart, my emotions, are spent. I am ambivalent now - I was so sure of my love all these months, now I don't know. I love him but am repelled by him. I have not felt the urge to touch him, which I used to fight all the time. Never, in the past months, have I felt this way.
I suddenly had a thought this morning - I realized that this is probably how H feels as well about our situation. That horrible feeling of wanting to escape.
I do realize now that there must be something still keeping him with us as he has not left.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
You are in a defense mode. If you can just sit with it and do nothing for awhile, it will help you to sort out what it is you do want.
My rule of thumb was not to react to anything (as much as I am able). If I got angry or was feeling repelled, I went for a long walk, did something with D's, whatever and did not open my mouth about it.
Eventually you will be able to sort things out in your mind. It may take awhile. Be patient.
Give yourself alot of credit for not beating him to death. Just kidding...sort of. Your emotions can turn on a dime. I could go from crying to full on rage in a heartbeat. It's all a learning experience as we process all of this and what it means for us, our kids, etc.
I think it's especially easy being the one that has been rejected to want to save face etc. I read this great book years ago titled "Thick Face, Black Heart". It was originally for an ethics class I believe, but oddly, I found I could apply some of what was said to my own behavior in this case.
I can't remember if you have Michele's books. If you do, now might be a good time to reread them.
For this reason, I could not hate my parents for what they did, it was a valuable lesson on what being "in love" was, and because of that, I can differentiate between the love I feel for my H and the infatuation he is probably feeling for OW.