Shine on you crazy diamond III

[FellOnBlackDays]

Scy, TG and Pickle. Thanks for the support. Yes, you are all correct. I am letter her control my emotions. It is just so hard sometimes.

My coach suggested I start initiating some small contact to test the waters. As you read above, my text on Saturday night was ignored and I let it upset me. Well, I tried again tonight and got rejected again. For the past 16 years, my w and I always go down to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. We make it a mini-vacation and stay down there for four or five days. We always have a blast and ALWAYS look forward to it coming around each year. Well, this year was tough....

I avoided the whole thing completely on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Sunday evening I started to regret not going by myself. So, I took Monday and Tuesday off, found some friends down there with room in their hotel room for me and I headed down to The Big Easy. I was very, very apprehensive as I had no idea how I would handle being there without her. By the way, she was there also, just with another group of friends. Her leaving me really seems to have had no effect on her social calendar!!

Anyway, the whole trip was an attempt to GAL as much as possible. Well, it was a huge mistake. I was miserable!!! Last night, the buddies I was with made some female friends and disappeared. I could not find them and cell phones were useless as the circuits were overloaded by 300,000 people being in the city. I spent most of the night wandering around the city alone. It was awful! I just walked around all night drinking by myself. I wanted to die. All I could do was think about her non-stop!

Then, this morning, I got separated from my group again and could not catch up with them because the phones weren't working. Again, I spent countless hours just aimlessly wandering around N.O. alone and watching others have fun. At some point, I was so depressed that I went back to the room, crawled into a ball on the bed and took a nap in the middle of the biggest party on earth!!! We had a room in the French Quarter. The entire thing was taking place just outside my hotel and I was in bed!!! I was supposed to stay tonight, but I couldn't take it any longer. This afternoon, while my buddies were lost in the crowd, I packed my bags and came home. I left them a note telling them I was feeling ill and needed to go home. I ended up paying for the room anyway and coming home where I feel more comfortable and safe.

So, I was crushed on the way home. I decided to send her a brief text stating, "Happy Mardi Gras! I hope you and your crew are having a wonderful time. :-)" That was two hours ago... nothing. Now, I guess maybe the message is having trouble getting through. Some messages were taking up to an hour to go through. But, I am pretty sure she is just ignoring me again. Lovely! 16 year tradition down the drain and you can't send me a letter and a number... "U 2"?????? I realize I am once again having expectations. But, really? Really?

Oh well, screw it. I am going to bed. I honestly do hope she is OK and makes it home safely. She is still the love of my life and New Orleans has it's shady element.

Boy, I just can't wait until the damned wedding this weekend!!!!

FOBD