Something tells me that she would get pretty defensive if you tried to make a list of her faults.
Sandi,
You would be right. Early on she asked me if there was anything she could have done better. I said, "I'm not the type of person that looks for the negative in people. Oh wait, there is something. You could have told me we were heading for a train wreck and you were talking to someone outside of our M about our issues".
Guess what? She got defensive and proceeded to blame everything on me. Now I just listen and validate.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
The list from my W at the beginning was huge. It has gotten a bit smaller in recent weeks and I would imagine with time it would get smaller still.
Will I still be here when it does?
I don’t know.
Will you?
Exactly 2step. Most of the time I feel like I will be here, but other times the frustration and my impatience makes me think, "why do I put up with this BS?"
The answer to that question is: because I love my W and kids and I will do everything I possibly can to do what I feel is right.
I've made significant progress detaching, but I still have plenty of work to complete the process. It's been painful, but it works.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Spent most of my day with the kids away from the house, which was good. The W was gathering the MIL's belongings to move to her storage unit and dividing our things.
I gave my input on the items she was dividing. She isn't taking much as she is moving into a much smaller house. I acted "as if" I was perfectly fine with everything. I even offered to help the W take the MIL's things to storage, which she accepted.
As the W and I were around each other throughout parts of the day, we'd bump into each other just horse playing around. I even gave her a piggyback ride at the storage facility. I don't know what or if any of it meant anything. It certainly didn't feel great given that she's moving out. I actually felt very anxious when I left the house.
Not much has happened this evening. Just laying low in the house staying away.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I’m feeling quite anxious this morning. Obviously that means I haven’t detached from my W, because she still affects my emotions.
I have read where the LBS must go through all of these emotions as it is normal. Can anyone tell me the book(s) that have been recommended to understand these feelings better? I realize the main thing for me to do is become detached. It is a struggle to reach the point that I need to get to. It’s a work in progress.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
On Sunday morning, W and I got into an argument over money. Chalk one up for more miscommunication and frustration on my part. I just felt overwhelmed with her asking me to fill out paperwork for the D and her wanting to talk about our budget. One of my issues in the past is that I would put things off until I was ready to take care of them. That’s exactly what I did and she was all over me. She broke down crying saying that she hates being dependent on me. She feels like I throw that in her face. I can understand why she would feel like that. I brought up some of the $$ I had spent, which I felt was to help her out. She didn’t like it, but I thought it needed to be said.
I did leave the room when the argument got too heated. A few minutes later we were able to calmly, yet emotionally finished our discussion. I then left the house to run a couple of errands.
When I got back from the grocery store, she came across the kitchen and gave me a hug. These are the things that confuse the heck out of me. It completely caught me off guard. I didn’t even see her coming towards me as I was putting things away. She said she doesn’t want to fight with me and I said the same thing back. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the hug, but what does it mean? Does she see me pulling away and she reels me back in? Who knows? I know this whole thing makes my head hurt no matter how hard I try to do the right things.
Between the argument and the W moving out in a couple of weeks, this gave me a great deal of anxiety.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Hey Left: Your argument with your wife about the money sound just like mine. Yea when my wife started off the asset thing with the divorce, it too threw me off. I did not want to work on it at her time. I wanted my own. Wife did not like it and kept pestering me. But i began to realize that there's no other way and have to finish it off.
About the hug, yea that can be confusing. Here's my take. Could be wrong. Could it be that she's detached. So her hugging you is just saying it's okay we had this argument because it does not matter for her anymore?
My wife too always kept saying that she did not want to fight with me. The last day when she left, even though emotions were high, she was sweet and hugged me and all. Now i realize that she was so detached that she started considering me as 'some guy' and not her husband.
I dont know. I could be wrong.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
That's an interesting take mykarma. From an emotional standpoint, I'd imagine the WAS is definitely more detached than the LBS.
The weird thing is, my W still does plenty of things for me. She might be doing them, because she feels like she is having her cake and eating it too. Which at this juncture, it sure looks that way.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Absolutely! The WAS IS detached. That's why they are able to walk away, act so non-chalant about it, be cold and loving, lack emotion about it, etc. In fact, I'd argue that the WAS demonstrates what the very definition of detachment is.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Yes, I agree with this. When W dropped her bomb and I stood there in stunned silence attempting to process it she began to go through the mental checklist she uses for grief consoling. She is a nurse in a long term care facility so she has had practice. As she did so she explained to me she had made her decision weeks ago and had already moved to acceptance. So when she walked out the door 5 days later she was detached.
Since then she has cycled a bit as we all have so the detachment isn’t complete. Sadly the cycling give me a little hope she isn’t as done with me as she thought.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
