E.T. phoned home!!!

[Augtan]

Just wanted to update and confirm that this MLC stuff is NUTS!!

XH came up here on Wed. night, things were great, had a few sparing words on Thurs. night, but nothing huge or out of control. He slept in my bed Wed. night, lots of MLing, it was great, then he fell asleep on the couch Thurs. night and slept there, which I was hurt and wondered if it was because our back and forth, but it wasn't. Things were going great, we were having fun as a family, he slept with me Friday night, no ML, just held me all night long and it was awesome. Saturday, we laid around all day, kids did their thing, me ML'd a few times and took the kids to a game place for dinner and games.

While the kids played games, we sat and drank and talked. He started getting nasty with me, slamming me, etc. And, then confessed that he had gone through my phone and seen text messages between me and my HS boyfriend. Now, this is a whole other ball of wax, and too long to get into, but I had an EA with HS BF eight years ago, it was only via email, we met once and went to dinner, no PA or even close. But, it devestated XH (H at the time)and he has never gotten over it. I think it trigged the MLC. I cut it off with HS BF and never spoke to him again until after XH's A..when he heard thru the grapevine what I was going thru and contacted me. He has been a support to me ever since. But, XH is still jealous of him.

IMO, XH has really been thinking of wanting to give "us" a try again, but he is still in the tunnel so is looking for a reason not to do it and not feel guilty about it, he went looking and found the text messages. It drudged up all kinds of stuff and he just sat at dinner blaming me for everything and ripping me apart. I just started crying and shaking, begging him to stop and realize that I tried to fix things after my EA, I asked him over and over to get help with me for it, etc. but he would always say that he was over it and just kidding when he would rub it in my face for those years leading up to his A...and he said "do you really think that if I believed that you loved me I would have had an A and left you?" again blaming me and saying I didn't meet his needs and love him. I said back "I begged you to tell me what you were feeling, what I could do to help you, but you always told me you were fine and things were fine..how can you expect me to "fix" something you kept saying wasn't "broken"??"

I am tired of being blamed. I know he does it because he can't look at himself and doesn't want to acknowledge his part in all of it, but I am just plain sick of it. I didn't have have a PA and EA, I didn't leave my family for an OP, I made mistakes, and all I wanted was a chance to fix them, to work on our marriage and he never, ever gave that to me post his A, he just ran back to her because I was devestated and couldn't feel bad for him when he finally came clean that he wasn't over my EA from years ago.

Our MC told us that we would have to heal my gaping, bleeding, huge wound from his A that was just discovered before we could work on the EA I had that he was still wounded from but that should have scab over it, that it forsure needed to be addressed and such, but the immediate need was his A and the pain and reasons for it that would lead to healing him, but it would take a lot of time and effort. Well...OW was willing to tend to his wounds immediataly regardless of how infections she was to them and how much worse she would make them in the long run, and he wanted instant freedom from the hurt, guilt and pain I was spilling out day and night, and she could provide that, so he ran back to her and that was it. It was all about him and what he needed, not at all about the pain he had caused me at that very moment or what I needed from him...he is a narcissist, plain and simple, who is also in MLC.

We still have a lot of emotions and unfinished stuff between us, he told me he thinks all the time about coming home or at least being in the same place so we would have a chance to see if we can "date" again and see if it leads to something. But, until he meets me half way on that and says he is committed to at least "trying", I am not doing anything, I am not going to uproot my kids again for him to just jump head first in the tunnel again and treat us awful. He needs time to process all of this. Time to let all I said really sink in. I am beginning to believe that there is just too much that has gone on between us and I know he believes that the baggage is to heavy to ever be together again as a couple, he even said that although he thinks about us being together, he is 90% sure it would never work to get back together. So, I am not sure where I am or if I am standing anymore. The rollercoaster just never seems to end and I am sick of the ride, it has been 4 years!! And, that doesn't include what went on with HS BF! I need off the ride!! I think I am going dark again.

A