How do you trust someone who isn't sorry?

[hope2011]

Zen, we will be stronger. I know that the 180's I made the first time I DB'd (10 yrs ago) stuck. I didn't repeat them, I became a better person, I am not perfect but I am a good person.

My biggest problem personally is now I have no confidence, no trust in myself. I was so selfish in my first marriage and so immature and did a 180 and turned into a wimp who bent over backwards to win and keep the love and approval of any jerk who came along. 10 years, 4 jerks later... now I am so mad at myself for getting into this situation! More than I'm mad at him for being a jerk. Where was my self-esteem? Why didn't see him for who he truly is before I married him, instead of the Prince Charming I so desperately wanted to believe he was. If my eyes were open, I would've seen something maybe to make me put on the brakes. Instead I got Dr. Jeckyll / Mr. Hyde... and that sounds like I'm not taking responsibility but I am. Sometimes we screw up and marry the wrong people, bad people, people who don't care about us. That's me. I don't have the good guy, good times in my marriage to fall back on to hold on to. My marriage has no foundation. That is my fault. I didn't see the whole picture. Maybe he didn't either. All he saw was a woman who loved him, supported him and that was good enough for him. I would've been good enough for me too... if I had that.

I got 2 hours of sleep last night. I cried most of the night, tossed and turned, prayed. H gave me the cold shoulder, sleeping on the edge of the bed, on top of the sheets. Yes, I married a child who likes to punish me any time I don't agree with him or do what he wants. But WHY do I fall for it? Why do I let it get to me? Why do I still let him make me cry like that? I hate feeling like this. I hate how he can go from kind, loving to selfish, angry jerk in 0 to 60 over something stupid.

So what's changed? I've been DB'ing. I've been keeping up my 180's. What's changed is the boys are in trouble, stressing him out. He got put on probation on his job so now he's even more stressed about meeting his numbers. The mortgage issue is a problem again. As he said last night, he "hates his life". Me included I suppose. So life is stressful again and I'm the emotional punching bag again.

This morning he didn't apologize. He was quieter, wasn't rude or mean. Maybe he was sorry but he never apologizes. I doubt he gave 1 thought to me not coming to bed until midnight or the tissue on my nightstand. If he did, it was that it was my fault for asking him a question and if I get upset, it's not his problem. He was on the phone when I left for a dentist appt, he put the guy on hold to tell me good-bye but didn't say he was sorry, or he loves me but that he needs me to get the boys on Friday and I may have to send him money.

He left before I got back home. No note, nothing. He got on a plane to go to CA for work for training until Friday.

I know he's more worried about me sending him money or doing what he needs than he's worried about me or us. I feel stupid, hurt and used today.

I have to detach so much more, GAL and move on.