At the last stop

[Orchid37]

Its another day. I'm doing ok this am. I had the last 3 days off and just couldn't function at all. I spent most of the last 2 days on the couch. I feel like someone has beat me up with a metal bat!
There are times when the prospect of spending the rest of my life by myself is so overwhelming, it really consumes me and I feel hopeless. Then, at times I start looking at the world and saying "I can do this". And come up with all sorts of different senarios for my life.

In the end, I am....mostly....in disbelief....shouldn't be, as its been so long now...but, am...that he is a very selfish man.

Not a lot more to it.... I kept thinking "'poor guy, blah, blah, blah". But, in reality - he decided he doesn't feel like its working and decided the way to handle this is to leave...so he left....not, talking it over....not, discussing it.....went to a lawyer without telling me, and then just presented me with papers...again....stating "this is the only way". Every step of the way.....and yet I am missing his presence and missing the idea of this man in my life. Regretting that I couldn't make it work. Regretting that I didn't matter to him.

On the other hand...I did the best I knew how. And, if its not meant to be, nothing in the world could have made this work.

I'm so tired of it all....thinking about it....crying about it...and yet, I can't seem to go very far from it - in my mind - I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

It's the most ridiculous thing.

How does one move on???

So....my roller coaster continues.......sigh.