......are these itty bitty baby steps?

[Sanderika]

Hi GAG,

I wanted to say more yesterday and couldn't get through the post.

A lot of how your XH will handle his Mother's death will depend on their relationship over the years and how he presumes it was.

I will offer some more of my H's life with his Mother....

My H was the 3rd Son of 4 boys. He always felt like the odd man out the black sheep in the flock. The two older boys were best buds and left H out, the youngest was the baby and got all the attention and got away with everything. H was not close to any of the 3. They remember that he always played alone and can remember teasing him. He liked to read and would often be found doing just that. H is a loner as an adult.

When H was barely a month old he ended up in the hospital near death due to dehydration. I have made up my own assumption after many years of knowing MIL and believe that she suffered a severe postpartum depression after H was born and he was dehydrated due to her neglect.

As he grew he suffered seizures and no one knew why. She always said that H knew when one was going to happen and he would give himself the medication he needed. I find that really odd. H suffered these between the ages of 1 and 6. I feel that is too young for one to administer their own medication.

My MIL would send H to stay with her Mother every summer vacation for the entire vacation (11 weeks), none of the other boys would go just H. Grandmother lived approx. 3 hours away and he would stay/live-in with her the entire summer. H has very fond memories with his Grandmother, he said they would just sit and talk for hours. She was the sort of woman who had soft demeanor and patience galore. He said he felt special there. MIL always said to me "Mama understood D----". I assumed from that comment that she did not really bond with H.

Over the years FIL and MIL would visit with the other boys and families/vice versa and H and I never really spent much time with them or the others.

When our son was born MIL spent a week with me and she really felt like she bonded with my son. I always wondered if that was something she needed to do because she knew of her shortcomings with H. I have heard my Mother say "God gives us Grandchildren so we can get it right the second time".

Our son would go and spend weeks and weekends with FIL and MIL on many occasions. They lived 3 hours away from us. I made sure he had a connection to them and he loved to visit with them.

On our son's 8th birthday, we had a huge family party. His birthday always falls Memorial Weekend. Everyone was in attendance EXCEPT....MIL!! We knew she was not really feeling well - at this point in time we did not know she had cancer and was dying, rather instead she spent the day on their yacht and expected us to bring son by after the festivities. H was BS with his Mother!!! He was so angry he refused to bring son to see her.

We did not have any contact with her from that day until she ended up in the hospital on the 4th of July. On the 5th we learned she had 3 months to live and she died 3 months later to the day on October 4th.

My H took her death the hardest out of the 4 boys. He was unconsolable during many moments at her wake. The others remarked that they thought the oldest would have taken it the hardest, they could not believe it was my H that did. They all commented that they thought he was not close to her. I think he was not ready to lose her. I think he had unfinished business with her and it contributed to a huge part in the onset of his MLC.

GAG, I think a lot of what you can do for XH during the next few weeks is to realize how his relationship was was her, along with knowing who XH is right now in emotions....will tell you what he needs the most. A lot of what will help him through this is the attention and love you give to XMIL all the while somehow sending him the message you care deeply and love him as well.

I hope I have given you a little more to think about.

I will be thinking about you and sincerely hoping XMIL transition in life goes as well as it can under the circumstances.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika