Maybe I just never grew up. Maybe I don't want to change so much. Maybe I don't want to get healthy. Maybe I don't want to be what my W wants anymore. Maybe I want to self destruct.
My W and I met when we were young. We were both crazy punk rock kids. We went through a lot of our lives together still living like that. We drank. We smoke. We had fun. We did change though. 14 yrs later she is an RN and I am a CPA. We bought a house and we had a kid. However, I never completely changed. I still drink and I still smoke. I like to think. I like music. I like to question. I like to be a little crazy. I like to be sarcastic. I like being a little bad now and again.
Now, she says she has changed. She doesn't like those things anymore. Wants a gym rat. Wants a "nice" guy. Wants a guy like dear old dad.
I just don't know if that is who I am. Who I want to be. I NEED to decide. I need to find our what I REALLY want. I know I want my family back, and you know, if I thought it would truly work, I wouldn't even think about what I wanted to make that happen. I would do it because it is the right thing to do.
So what am I doing now? Trying to decide who I REALLY am. What I REALLY want. Unfortunately those answers do not always come easy. They can actually change by the minute. Wish in one hand, sh!t in the other, but what I want is my old W back. I want the girl I married. Unfortunately it looks like she is gone. Now I need to decide if I can be the right guy for this new woman. IDK if I can.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
