Grr. I don't think you backslid. I think your H just does not know or understand what he wants. He obviously is making baby steps to stay in your family's life. That tells me that he has some feelings towards being there.
Keep it up! You are making great progress!
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I agree that doesn't really sound like a backslide.
Conversation might not have gone exactly as you felt it shouldawouldacoulda, but that's no reason to beat yourself up about it.
If you like, you might try walking through the conversation again to see what you would have done differently to remind yourself for next time, but personally I'd just let it go and confidently move on.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Grr, I agree with everyone here that you haven't backslid. If anything, it was just unfulfilled expectations. I think it's natural to see this thaw and expect that spring is here, not realizing it was a January warm spell. Doesn't mean that spring won't finally come, it's just further down the calendar.
Almost exact same thing recently happened with W and I. It was a wake up call to me that WAS are still confused and living in their own painful fog. It's easy to forget that.
You seem to be doing well on your journey. Keep it up and things will work out for the best, whatever the best might be!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
"f anything, it was just unfulfilled expectations. I think it's natural to see this thaw and expect that spring is here, not realizing it was a January warm spell. Doesn't mean that spring won't finally come, it's just further down the calendar."
I don't think you backslid either. I've said the same thing to my STXH. To this day, he knows clearly where I stand on this D going thru. But my D is going to happen anyway. I can't stop it; only he can.
My STXH has said that by the time he left last Feb. that it wasn't about me anymore it was about him. That we have to learn to live our lives without each other. That he's happy I found tools etc. to get me better, but it's all come too late. I can't say that he isn't 100% correct. His leaving certainly helped me jump start the process to change. And it's what I've always wanted but just never got in with the right therapist until last year. Plus finding MWD's book and these boards. In the end, I have done all this work to make the changes and happily so. I really like who I am now and what even makes it beter is that other people are noticing the changes. So that just seals the deal that my actions are supporting my changes.
I think grr that our WAH's need to feel in control and leaving/filing is their way of doing that. It's certainly not the right attitude to take IMHO, but we can't control them. Quite frankly, my controlling behavior in my own M I can see now was nothing more than exhausting not only to my H but to me. If I had just been able to share the load better, I would have maintained more balance in my life and my M.
Hang in there. You know I think you are doing a great job. You aren't as far off the ledge as you think you are. Again....just MHO.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
You backslid in your behaviors and your expectations (having the R talk and looking for a different answer).
You recognize it, and that is a good thing.
So next time, what are you going to do differently?
Or are you going to continue behaviors that you KNOW cause you pain?
None of this stuff, the 180's, GAL, detatching...
None of it is really to save your M, it is to get you OUT of the tunnel vision of saving your M, and to get you living your life, to become happier, healthier, and to make you attractive to yourself and to other people.
No one wants to be with a sadsack. When we get bombed, when we let what they are doing affect us, that is exactly what we become. SADSACKS.
Would you want to return to someone like that?
I wouldn't.
You have been here a while. I understand you thought you saw some baby steps.
Maybe you did, maybe you didn't.
I haven't read more than this thread and your update, so I am not familiar with your situation more than that.
I see things that sound familiar to me. Very familiar.
I would like to suggest that you read the MLC resources. Read some threads over there. Get to know that monster a little bit and see if you see any thing that strikes home with you.
Cat
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
so after my horrible night, h calls this morning and asks me to drive him to pick up his new car i felt foolish about my backslide and decided to just keep my mouth shut we were getting along really well and then we started talking about a musician friend of his that he really looks up to the guy is a bit older and has been divorced quite a few times, and i always going out with some very young girl he also lives with his 22 year old son, to which my h said "i can kinda see my future mirroring his" it was very hard, but i kept my mouth shut anyway, went to the dealership he was so excited when he saw the car, that he gave me a big hug he then introduced me to the dealer as "his wife" and when i was leaving gave me a kiss on the lips question: would this be confusing to anyone else? thanks for your time and patience
Yes grr... WAS is just as confused, if not more so, than the LBS. I think that your H certainly is confused right now.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
