Ellie -- Thanks for the positive reinforcement! h and I have definitely been in a communication breakdown mode re. the "hard stuff" for a long time. Lots of it was about my reactions to be sure.....I'm sure he can figure out his part if any so I won't spend too long dissecting that! The thoughts he expressed the other night were scary for me and I do find myself sometimes lapsing into negativity about what was said but when I truly think about it...it's such a good thing to have him telling me how he really feels.
some mysteries are getting solved today...since I got back to work Monday I've been having mini-anxiety attacks....heart racing...etc. First I thought it was the job...then I thought it was my intuition telling me something was "up" with h but I just went to lunch with h and mentioned the heart racing and he said the magic word "caffeine"...yes, folks...during my two weeks off I drank one cup of coffee a day...now I'm back up to 3+. Seems like a very reasonable place to start, no???? guess I'll be having decaf tomorrow morning and see if it helps!
Also...I've really been having a hard time detaching from h lately...basically I've been feeling like he's anxious or nervous or something for a while now...of course, it's been raising my antenna in a way that's been making me feel really nervous...but...I've been doing a good job (I thik) of acting "as if"...well...we just went to lunch...and the first 15 minutes felt so weird! Like something was going on...then about 30 minutes into it h sighed and said "I feel SO much better than I did this AM...I've been feeling so down about still not feeling better...but being with you has made me feel so much better!"...yes, a gentle reminder to me that my "weird feeling" has been coincident with h's yearly illness (the one that seems to last for 6 weeks!). The good news? last year and the years before that I would have been reacting and probing and all that stuff...this year? well, acting "as if" and being an open door for when he tells me how he feels...I just left him a vm at home thanking him for lunch and thanking him for telling me that he had been feeling low.
jeez...I'm using up all of my positives!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
