Just wanted to say about your convos with H in New York - One thing my H and I had a problem with was avoidance. He wouldn't tell me the truth about how he was feeling because it would upset me and make me feel unloved. Of course he wasn't really protecting ME, but protecting himself from having to deal with my feelings (and maybe protecting himself from hearing himself say things he knew weren't very nice?). One key to more honest communication between us has been that he needs to know I won't freak out on him, and I need to accept that I won't always like what I hear. Sounds like you did a good job
I was reading your posts, and I think what I posted this morning on my thread might speak to some of what many here are dealing with when reconciled, but H is still feeling much guilt. I am speaking from my own experience, and how I felt when I was a WAS. Hope it gives some insight. Rachael
Ellie -- Thanks for the positive reinforcement! h and I have definitely been in a communication breakdown mode re. the "hard stuff" for a long time. Lots of it was about my reactions to be sure.....I'm sure he can figure out his part if any so I won't spend too long dissecting that! The thoughts he expressed the other night were scary for me and I do find myself sometimes lapsing into negativity about what was said but when I truly think about it...it's such a good thing to have him telling me how he really feels.
some mysteries are getting solved today...since I got back to work Monday I've been having mini-anxiety attacks....heart racing...etc. First I thought it was the job...then I thought it was my intuition telling me something was "up" with h but I just went to lunch with h and mentioned the heart racing and he said the magic word "caffeine"...yes, folks...during my two weeks off I drank one cup of coffee a day...now I'm back up to 3+. Seems like a very reasonable place to start, no???? guess I'll be having decaf tomorrow morning and see if it helps!
Also...I've really been having a hard time detaching from h lately...basically I've been feeling like he's anxious or nervous or something for a while now...of course, it's been raising my antenna in a way that's been making me feel really nervous...but...I've been doing a good job (I thik) of acting "as if"...well...we just went to lunch...and the first 15 minutes felt so weird! Like something was going on...then about 30 minutes into it h sighed and said "I feel SO much better than I did this AM...I've been feeling so down about still not feeling better...but being with you has made me feel so much better!"...yes, a gentle reminder to me that my "weird feeling" has been coincident with h's yearly illness (the one that seems to last for 6 weeks!). The good news? last year and the years before that I would have been reacting and probing and all that stuff...this year? well, acting "as if" and being an open door for when he tells me how he feels...I just left him a vm at home thanking him for lunch and thanking him for telling me that he had been feeling low.
jeez...I'm using up all of my positives!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I had a similar experience yesterday. H called early in the morning before he left for work and sounded really wired and weird. I thought it was strange, but didn't personalize it until he got home and was acting really irritable and made a few little verbal jabs at me.
I did start to get hooked in...because I can't remember him acting like that toward me since around the time of the bomb. I was starting to feel very wary. I can't go through life going into panic mode every time he's in a grumpy mood, though...geez. I especially have a hard time with his passive agressive behavior, i.e. pouting about something he's mad at me about, but won't talk to me about it, and then feeling put out because I don't guess what he's mad about or drag it out of him somehow.
So I just asked "what's up? Are you grumpy and taking it out on me or are you mad at me and not saying why?"
It turned out to be just grumpiness from a hard shift at work, and had nothing to do with me.
well...the internet connection at my job this morning seems flaky...not sure if it'll drop out completely so gotta get those positives out there..!
1. Lunch with h -- a big deal to me that he suggested it and it gave us an opportunity -- he told me that he'd been feeling down about being sick and that it had brightened his day to see me. He said last night that his plan is to join me for lunch 1x/week until he gets a job!
Note that h and ow used to lunch together frequently....it gives me a chance to face some of my fears and eradicate some ghosts.
2. h was very attentive last night. spent a while asking me about my job. I asked him for some advice on how to handle a situation and he was great (and flattered?) about that. some good things have been happening at my job this week and for the company so h suggested a celebration tonight!
3. during lunch h said "I'd really like to make lots of plans for this weekend" then proceeded to talk about hiking, movies, dinners, etc. he's been pretty blah about initiating plans of late...so this is great.
4. I got tons and tons of hugs and kisses from him when I got home from work.
5. we watched a movie that he'd been telling me about for a while...I love it when he shares his interests with me.
6. we sat on the couch and did the NYT xword puzzle together!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Just wanted to let you know that I read your thread often--and knowing what you're feeling and dealing with has helped me tremendously. (I've been in Newcomers a good while and am thinking about moving over here as I'm traveling further down the path of reconciliation.)
I don't believe it's self indulgent to post here and concentrate on what is most important for you and your M. You give back so much just by being where you are. Wanted to let you know that.
BTW, I'm impressed by how you handled the conversation with your H.
Just wanted to let you know that I do continue to drop in on you from time to time, just haven't had much in the way of substance to add.
The issue of having "the antenna going up" is probably a universal problem. I know that it is for me. I can process alternative possibilies until the cows come home, but I still suffer those awful physical sensations until something happens to assuage my fears.
Maybe it's post traumatic syndrome, but I have yet to shake my panic attacks, even when there appears to be nothing out of the ordinary happening. They happen less frequently now and aren't quite as intense, but it's uncomfortable all the same. My thinking on that is that the pysche, having been put through so much for so long, is now trained to be on high alert and has to be gradually weaned from the chemicals that once dominated it's system.
Of course, this may only be one of any number of things that perpetuate the struggle.
I've been keeping up with your thread, but don't have alot to offer because you seem to be doing fineand usually figureout your own answers better than most.
Jeannine, Panic has been my constant companion too for so long, I could hardly remember what it felt to be calm until recently. I'm very happy to report that I am successfully detaching from H and my anxiety is all but gone! Peace, sweet peace. Rachael
