How long should you try? Until........

[cat04]

Enter Mach with a shovel and a flashlight. I am digging my friend you know that I am. Soon i will reach China with my shovel and canteen. What will I find on the other side?

That is to be seen...

No one knows for sure...

Ahh Cat. Nice to see you again.

Yea...I am sure you are really saying that to yourself

Does not change the fact that my ultimate goal is to save my M.

Nor should it change that goal.

Honestly, that should be a secondary goal right now.

You are not going to save the old marriage. That is already gone.

The goal, should be to become the best that you can, so that you have something to offer to a new M. Hopefully, with your W.

Part of is fear though. Fear that every new purchase ties her down to OK just a little bit more. Fear that every move solidifies her stay.

It is no secret I don't like this scenario one bit. I don't like it not because i feel belittled by it but because I fear it. I fear I am losing my M little by little.

This fear is holding you hostage.

I will repeat it, the old marriage is already GONE.

Be extremly honest with yourself, do you want it back the way that it was?

The way that you were?

The way that she was?

I doubt it. So mourn that M, learn what you need to, not just the things she told you she needed to see be different, but also anything else that you want to change about yourself, become the better option, and let her get to know you.

Listen, I reconciled my M once. The first time. And NEITHER of us did the work necessary to maintain it. To improve it. We fell back into old patterns.

I could not control his MLC, but I should have controlled my own behaviors and changes. I should have made them in earnest the first time around and continued them throughout the years in between crisis periods.

One of my mistakes, was thinking that all I needed to do, was reconcile the marriage. With little thought was to happen after the reconciliation happened.

I did things much different this time around. Although I have made choice that there will be no reconciliation, it hasn't stopped me from DBing, from digging, and from living. My current R, definately gets a different me than the me that was in my M. And I am much happier for it.

Don't make the same mistakes that I did.