I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[whatisis]

Life's a process and tomorrow is another chance to get things right.

Great thought, CTH!
Yes, it is damn hard to let go, especially when you have kids. For the rest of your life you'll have to interact with this person, they are a part of your existence forever...or so it seems anyway! It's tough. You don't want to see her fail but there's a part of you that's hurting deep inside from her decision to abandon ship! Hang in there and keep that "Life's a process..." thought in mind.

[sandycay]

I can tell you a positive about donating plasma... because of that my father and many others are able to continue their fight of cancers and whatever else they may have. Without that donation many would die before there time. I can't think of anything more positive than doing that and if you get paid for it... that's all the better because they sure charge patients a lot for that gift of life.

I am thankful and many other families are too for people who donate.... When daddy was in the hospital I would go down to the plasma room and talk with people donating and to give them a story about my dad.... just helps to put a face on it all. Plus, I wanted to know the heros that where in there giving life to others. It's a positive!!!!

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks Sandy Cay. I hadn't looked at it that way. I used to give blood but stopped. I started giving plasma because they do pay for it. It's not a lot, but every little bit helps.

And I struggled with it at first because most of the people in there are unemployed and it is a major part of their income. I felt .... better than that. But that's arrogance talking. I'm no better than anyone else.

The four week lesson at church is on "How to Be Rich" not how to get rich. We had our church growth group tonight and they are all great people, but normally the discussion is a bit of a struggle. Some will just sit there and not talk at all.

But since we were talking about money -- the good decisions, the bad decisions -- everyone was into it. We had to cut it short.

Interestingly, I have been talking to STBXW more this past week. D11's school district is making changes to the gifted program and it'll affect D11 and maybe D8 in the future. STBXW is not happy at all. She's attending the meetings and called last night to fill me in and ask what she should do next.

I listened, gave her a couple of suggestions. And she's been calling and emailing people all day.

It's too late now, but through the divorce rebuilding classes I realized her main love language is "words of affirmation."

All STBXW's life she's been told how pretty she is, but rarely told how smart she is. She only made it through one semester of college, quit and became a cheerleader for a CBA basketball team for three years. Her family was always kidding her about her grades.

It's part of the reason she has such a chip on her shoulder against people with college degrees. I didn't help. I rarely, rarely asked her for advice. I've always been too smart for my own good.

She really, really wants to be listened to and respected.

I didn't get that. I was always trying to do "acts of service," another love language. I tried to do everything for her and that just sent her a message that I didn't believe she could handle those things.

In the past, I would have taken over this effort to fight the school changes. I personally know five of the seven school board members, and I've dealt with the superintendent as part of my job with the newspaper. But STBXW is passionate about it so I'm letting it be her show and just doing what she asks me to do.

[mishka422]

That is a really great realization you have come to CTH. Hopefully in letting her take her stand on this issue you will show her you trust in her abilities and it will make your co-parenting that much better. Great job!!

[ClingingToHope]

Went out last night and I'm trying to spend as little as possible so I'm laying on the couch going to stay in for the night. The phone rings and it's STBXW. She's taking D12 and D8 out to dinner for D12's birthday and she wants to know if I'd like to come along.

Sure. I say. And I got off the couch and took a shower and headed to the restaurant. The girls were very excited. The meal went well. Before STBXW paid the bill I said I'd split it. She said that wasn't necessary then she saw the cost -- it's an expensive restaurant. I will send her a check next week.

After, I walked the girls to the car. D8 thanked me for coming to eat with them. That's a sad statement in a way.

Then I headed to church. I made it in time to the 6 p.m. service. I love the song "Mighty To Save."

Funny. I ate too much at dinner and I all of a sudden felt exhausted. Probably a mix of eating too much, adrenaline of being together again for dinner.

A friend texted. They are going to a downtown bar and I'm going to meet them for a bit.

[awest1217]

It sounds like you are really starting to do well. I am sure it was hard to be all together, but it is great that you were able to be together for your kids.

[ClingingToHope]

Not much to report. D12 had the first weekend of her play and it was my weekend, but I had a basketball game to do Friday night -- last one of the year -- and STBXW was going to be at all of the plays. So I just hung out with D8 Saturday and Sunday and let STBXW take D12 to and from the plays. It saved gas money.

I will go to see her play Saturday night and Sunday afternoon.

Money is tight so I'm spending more time at home and less out. I had to stop spending myself into oblivion. But that means more dead time and thinking.

Some weird important dates coming up -- baseball's opening day March 31. I'll be making my 10th straight 5 1/2 drive into Cincinnati for opening day.

April 2 -- my 42nd birthday. My weekend with the girls and I'm getting them on April 1 (spring break day) so I won't have to deal with STBXW at all.

April 27 -- our 15th wedding anniversary. I'm assuming we'll still be married since there has been no reply to our settlement offer other than to ask for my W2. Five years ago we were getting ready to go to Las Vegas for our 10th anniversary. That trip did not go like I wanted it to. STBXW seemed miserable the whole time, but she said later she enjoyed it. I remember her staring out the window at the Bellagio just watching the water display. She seemed a million miles away.

May 8 -- Mother's Day, which will mark two years since I moved out.

Beginning April 9 the running races start up so I'll be pretty busy with those. The 5 a.m. workouts are going well. I feel great -- when I'm not exhausted.

I don't feel "desperate" to find someone any more. I can't really afford a GF right now anyway. And the girls aren't ready either. Early on, they said they wanted a "step mom," but now when things get quiet they still talk about how they "hate" that we are apart.

It's a weird dance right now between STBXW and I. I wonder what life will be like five, 10, 15 years from now. I don't know how this will ever feel normal.

[ClingingToHope]

Managed to live under budget and chip away at debt for another two weeks.

Now let's see if I can do it again for the next two. That's pretty much the only goal right now.

Good weekend ahead. Going to see high school basketball playoffs tonight with coworker. He's driving. I'm keeping a shot chart for him -- he's covering the game -- then meeting friends out later.

Not too late of a night though. I got up at 4:20 a.m. to work out and did some work before work so I didn't take a nap ... so I'm tiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

Tomorrow -- donate plasma first thing in morning, play cards in afternoon, watch D12 in a play at night and then .... Not sure. If nothing pops up I'll just catch up on sleep.

Sunday. Church. D12's play again and then go into work and catch up on projects and get ready for NCAA pool. I run our office pools.

Plus, do dishes, try to fit in a workout -- not sure when and go for a long walk since weather is getting better.

[kml]

Go to your library and check out a book called the Tightwad Gazette by Dacyzyn. It'll give you lots of creative ideas about how to stay on that budget.

[mishka422]

LOVE Tightwad Gazette! Such great ideas and goal setting help!