How much longer in Separated?

[MichelleLT]

Yeah, finances always makes things a bit sticky.

Just because you haven't seen a big step forward doesn't mean that GFIL passing away hasn't changed your R. It's just going to take time and maybe a slight change in tactics.

Keep focusing on what works. Keep being the person you have worked so hard to be.

And let the things that are beyond your control go. Leave them up to God. That's his job after all.

[jon2911]

It's just going to take time and maybe a slight change in tactics.

Time. That's a scary thought sometimes. I wonder how much longer I can keep doing this. Thanks for helping me remember that I'm not crazy to keep trying.

Keep focusing on what works. Keep being the person you have worked so hard to be.

Nice talk with W last night. She went to Mardi Gras in Port Arthur. Fun. She sounds down usually but I'm able to get her mind off of things. I think I'll keep calling at night, it seems to be working. I've been sending her random, fun e-mails also and getting good response.

[MichelleLT]

You are having a long-distance R right now, but a R it is. You are not crazy to keep trying. Crazy maybe, but not for still DBing lol.

Good things to note.

Fun about Mardi Gras.

[jon2911]

I was a little disappointed last night, because we talked for a little while and then she had to eat something and asked if she could call me back.

I stayed up reading another hour and never got a call back, called her and she didn't answer.

Text today: "Sorry, I must have fallen asleep last night :("
I responded "no worries, can you talk tonight?"
W: "Sure thing"

I did feel taken for granted last night, but things are SO much better than they've been. I need to remember that. I'm really struggling with negativity lately, and not appreciating that as tough as things are, I've been through a lot worse.

My phone is complaining that I have too many texts because I save all of W's. Need to delete some. I'll just journal them here:

July 28th:
9:06 PM Goodnight
11:14 PM Why are you up?
- I was at a William Fitzsimmons show that night. Highly recommended.

July 30th
Cute.
She's not that into toys though
I'm not feeling well half asleep already nite

July 31st
When it's dead it says "caller or service cannot be reached" or something like that. I'll talk to you later

Aug. 1st
Can't talk. Sleep god
*good
- LOL

Aug 4th
Can you get back with me about progressive please?
Look up the band Black Oak Arkansas. The lead singer sounds just like Ezra!
- I need to do this, never did. Ezra was the lead singer in my old band.


That should be enough to make my crappy non-iPhone happy. Good to journal that stuff.

[MichelleLT]

It's so nice to have this place to journal.

How would you have reacted differently if you assumed she had fallen asleep rather than she forgot or didn't want to talk or had gotten busy? I'm sure you would have been a lot more understanding in your head before you got her apology text. Maybe even sent her a text first saying sleep well and I'll talk to you tomorrow or some such?

It's easy to get caught on the negatives. That's a danger of all relationships all the time. You really have to find ways to keep yourself focused on the positives. Obviously there's lot of them here, but do you also keep a journal? What else boosts your mood - working out, playing music, listening to certain types of music? Do all of them!

[jon2911]

Wow, what a great "DBing in a nutshell" summary. Thanks for the reminder.

We talked for an hour the next night, initiated by her, which is big.

I'm looking forward to Ash Wednesday service tonight and really regrouping through Lent this year. And going to work out after that!

Patience, baby steps.

[jon2911]

Had a great day playing at church on Sunday. We really stripped it down, just me on piano, the worship pastor on guitar, and a girl singer. It was nerve-wracking to play like that for 4,000 people, but it went really well.

W texted me asking me about the road trip web sites I go to are, that SIL is coming in an she needs to look them up. This was nice because it's one of our favorite things to do. I texted them back and we talked later that night.

Turns out SIL is coming in for a week in early April, and then they're road-tripping back to upper New York state and W will stay with her for a few weeks. She sounded really excited. I took a chance and said "well then I'd better visit before then". She hesitated a bit, said she'd need to think about it, but then mentioned that the Houston Rodeo is still going on, and there's a fair in her town we could look into. It was nice, best talk we've had in a while. I'm encouraged, but expecting some pullback. Ready to see where things go from here.

She did mention that we need to hit taxes hard, and she's right. I need to do that this week so we can have fun this weekend.

[MichelleLT]

Cool about church! Sounds like a lot of fun. I would definitely be nervous too lol.

Sounds like W is trying to plan some fun stuff. That's good, I'm sure she can use a break from all the family drama and responsibilities.

Definitely time to get the taxes out of the way so you can have fun!

[jon2911]

Definitely time to get the taxes out of the way so you can have fun!

Now THAT sounds like something I need to tell W.

The pullback came Tuesday, she asked me how much my student loans are and said she thinks her name is on them. Also, that Aunt had friends coming in town this weekend so she was busy. I asked her what's going on with the financial questions, and she said she doesn't want to put her head in the sand about the hard stuff, wants to know "what we're up against". Two very FIL-type sayings.

She was feeling bad for a couple days, and we talked again last night, and I told her I didn't see her name on anything with my student loans. She asked if I could call and make sure, then started to say something else but stopped. I asked what she was thinking, and she said "you got angry last time we were talking about D and threatened to make me pay half of them. I don't have much income, and it doesn't look like I will in the future." I asked her what she means by that, and she said she isn't able to work, so even though she's getting inheritance it's going to have to last a long, long time. She said "I know you don't have much money either. I just want you to be realistic, and open and honest about what's going on."

I told her that I don't remember threatening about the loans, I'm sorry I said that, and I'm not going to do that. I'm cleaning up my own mess, knocked out the credit cards last year, and the loans are next, that it feels good. I also told her I'm getting cracking on the taxes this weekend. We'll probably get money back for both years actually. She asked if there was anything else on my mind, then said she'd talk to me "tomorrow".

It was good that I was still at recovery group after the talk, some friends really helped me process some things. Had a good breakfast meeting this morning, and got to see my C today also. My boss also told me last night I'm doing a great job. Interestingly, W called me again as she was going to bed and we had a nice 20-minute talk. I'd sent her a picture of my new niece earlier in the day, and we talked about some family stuff.

So, something is definitely up. The D word has been dropped for the first time in a year and a half. She seems very scared, worried about the future, and beneath it all, worried that I'm after her money. Or maybe her family's worried about that and are pressuring her. Probably both.

So here are some things I'm planning to say tonight, in a laid-back way. Any advice from you guys is REALLY appreciated.

W, I checked and your name is not on the loans. And either way I wouldn't make you pay them. It's my own mess and I'm cleaning it up. I'm not after your inheritance either. Even if we got back together you could keep it in a completely separate account and do whatever you want with it. It's your money.

It seems like this would only come up if you were thinking about divorce. Is that what you're thinking? It's not what I want, and I still think it would be better for both of us to be back together. I have some reservations and questions myself, but they have nothing to do with money or things. I know it would be a lot of work from where we are, but it's what I want, and I wanted you to know that.

[jon2911]

Talked briefly with W on Saturday, and again last night. She was busy with family stuff and then tired last night, but it was a very good talk. I didn't bring up anything serious yet. She mentioned that she won tickets to the Perez Hilton party at SXSW but didn't get to go. I said I'd take her next year.

Good visit with family and meeting my new niece last night.