Over the weekend I started writing a synopsis of what happened between Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs leading up to their reconciliation (as described in their book). I think this is of interest to people like you, Sanderika, and me who see forward movement but our WAS's just can't "turn the corner". I hope that you don't mind if I put the first installment on your thread. I will post the final installment in the next few days with your permission.
GAG
"I’ve been reading parts of a book titled “I Do Again” by Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs over the past 2 weeks. I wanted to get some insight into what might be going on inside the mind of an angry XH as he begins to change the way he thinks about his XW.
This book describes what happened to the Scruggs after Cheryl had an affair and D’ed her H Jeff. The D process took 2 years and during that time Jeff had no idea there was an OM. He was very confused about what had happened and was deeply wounded that his XW had lied to him for more than 2 years about the A. Three months after their D, Cheryl realized that she really DID want to be with Jeff and her A ended. She wrote a letter to Jeff describing that she realized that she had made mistakes in their M and asked him to consider working toward reconciliation. He was so hurt and angry that she had lied to him for so long that he couldn’t look her in the eyes at that meeting and for a long time after that when they were dropping off their daughters at one anothers’ houses.
About 4 years after the D, Jeff began to realize that he had contributed to the problems in their M too. He realized that he had been clueless about the levels of depth that were possible and necessary to maintain a healthy M. He was at the point where he could finally forgive Cheryl but wasn’t anywhere near thinking about reconciling. It was after he accepted responsibility about his contributions to the problems in the M that he could actually look at Cheryl without feeling that he hated her. He began to make eye contact with her, probably one of the first observable signs that things were changing inside his heart. At that point Cheryl approached him with the thought of trying to reconcile, but he rebuffed her saying “We’re doing great handling the kids and seeing each other all the time……..But I think it’s time for you to give up this idea (reconciliation) and move on with your life……. I just don’t think reconciliation is the answer”.
About 1 month after this exchange Jeff started accepting Cheryl’s dinner invitations on a regular basis. Jeff began spending 4-5 nights/week with Cheryl and their 2 daughters. Jeff would never initiate the invitations. Instead one of their daughters would always extend the invitation. Jeff wrote that when he allowed himself to begin having dinner at Cheryl’s house with the girls, he was “curious yet strangely excited.” He battled his feelings constantly. He enjoyed the time they were all together. He was getting used to being around Cheryl again. He was happy when the 4 of them “hung out” together. He knew Cheryl wanted more, but he had a hard time going there in his mind. He wrote “Things were just right as far as I was concerned. (He) became strangely passive because of (his) ambivalence, allowing Cheryl and the girls ……call the shots.” He let the girls call Cheryl to invite her to dinner at his house because he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He wrote “The truth was, I wanted it too. But I couldn’t do it. On my own, I probably wouldn’t have been able to make it happen. One of the issues for me during this period was my sex drive. I’d always been attracted to Cheryl physically, and the last several years hadn’t done anything to change that. I never said anything to her about it, but because the time we spent together naturally increased my desire for sex, I constantly battled my desire. Yet (classic male that I am) I knew that if we crossed that line, our R would progress from this wishy-washy unidentifiable state to something deeper, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. So I kept my struggles to myself”………..(I’m editorializing a bit here, but since it’s my understanding that men equate sex with intimacy, I would guess that physical contact (sensuous kissing and sexual contact) is a big hurdle for men during reconciliation.)"
