So this weekend i took my D to dinner. I did not realize it until i was in the waiting area that the last time i was at this restaurant was with my w and d as a complete family. As i realized this in the waiting area the room began to close in on me and i started to spiral into depression. I feel like crap considering I have received so much advice and such strong support from this board and people outside this board who have become close friends because of my sitch. I just felt like i should be much further along. Still i failed to control my emotions. The dinner came and went and Sunday was no different. As the day progressed I began to sink.
Sunday night i was chatting with some friends online and decided to call W. It was midnight where she is at but she is typically a night owl. I got the response i should of expected............a voicemail. No worries i went to sleep.
9AM this morning W calls
W "hey i saw that you called last night. everything ok?"
M "yeah sorry i know it was late but you are usually up late"
W "i was really tired last night and decided to sleep early. whats wrong?"
M "oh nothing i was just laying in bed couldn't sleep, i was writing some stuff and when i got done i saw the book we began to read and figured i would call you to see if you wanted to continue reading it. Seemed like a good book"
W "oh i was tired went to bed early. what are u up to"
M "I am at work. you are up early?"
W "yeah have to be at work early today"
M "you never did tell me how the game was. did you have fun?"
W "oh yeah we had a good time. its funny i was looking at the program and was looking at the dob of the players and they were so much younger than me. i felt old"
M "lol i know that feeling its sad when i see an NFL player retire and i watched him get drafted.We are getting old babe"
W "speak for yourself. I still young. yay for me 29yrs old and my life [censored]"
M "speak for myself? sh!t I am in my prime"
W "lol oh yea?"
M "sounds like you got to work alreayd so I guess i will let you go"
W "i have a few minutes i can't clock in for awhile. i prob shouldn't tell you this but i am thinking about getting that car i told you about"
M "why couldn't you tell me that? lol"
W "i don't know. it doesn't make sense and i prob should not do it but who cares. i like it and i want it. I am also thinking about putting in an appt in this new company"
M "oh thats cool. hope you get the car it will def be bigger"
W "yeah maybe just wishful thinking.well i guess i should go to work"
M "ok i'll be around. let me know if you want to read on with that book i'll be around. i thought you had not brought it up cause you were waiting on me"
W "i might call you later on tonight"
There it is. The car thing is a little annoying to me but I have no control over that.
Maybe it is still a part of the old me but everytime she says "i'll call you again H" or "maybe i will call you tonight" it sounds like she is doing me a favor. Maybe its silly but it gets under my skin. I feel like saying "don't do me any freaking favors babe" I am sure that would get me a great reaction.
Every time there is good progress you have to be prepared for the pullback. It does undermine their vision of how their life will be better without you in it.
Just as much as you are going through periods of loneliness and depression, so is she. She just doesn't want to let you see them because she is trying to be strong and independent. You don't have to feel sad for her about it since she put herself in that situation, but do try and remain empathetic and understand that this process if painful for both of you and will cause both of you to grow and learn so that you have the potential to form a new, healthy, interdependent relationship.
Don't let her choice of words and remarks get to you. Sometimes she is trying to convince herself of things more than convince you.
Your frustration is normal and natural and totally understandable. But don't let it sabotage your progress. Find constructive ways to get rid of that stress so you can deal with her and let it roll off your back.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Every time there is good progress you have to be prepared for the pullback. It does undermine their vision of how their life will be better without you in it.
Just as much as you are going through periods of loneliness and depression, so is she. She just doesn't want to let you see them because she is trying to be strong and independent. You don't have to feel sad for her about it since she put herself in that situation, but do try and remain empathetic and understand that this process if painful for both of you and will cause both of you to grow and learn so that you have the potential to form a new, healthy, interdependent relationship.
Don't let her choice of words and remarks get to you. Sometimes she is trying to convince herself of things more than convince you.
Your frustration is normal and natural and totally understandable. But don't let it sabotage your progress. Find constructive ways to get rid of that stress so you can deal with her and let it roll off your back.
Michelle:
You are correct. I wonder if I will get tired of saying that.  I guess where I hit my panic mode is when I start to realize the distance between us. I think it is no secret that the distance is a huge obstacle for us to overcome, so when I dwell on it I begin to self defeat. Self defeat is a problem I must overcome, I don’t believe I will achieve it until I have totally detached. I am a work in progress for sure.
Two things I must constantly remind myself
1. The time is not necessarily my enemy because she is also thinking
2. She feels the same emotions that I am feeling; unlike in many other sitch on the board my W has told me as much. Usually my trigger is my D, when she makes a comment or when I know she is hurting I begin to spiral, wallowing is self pity is so much easier than actually doing something about it.
The shadow in my sitch is the 1500 mile distance I must accept it for what it is and continue to live for me. I believe until I do that I will continue to self defeat. It is 1500 from Jersey to Ok, I guess it is 1500 miles from Ok to Jersey also. If she drove one way, she can drive the other.
2step, I was having the same feelings as you. It is definitely a challenge to remained focused with these emotions always getting in the way.
You are doing well. Stay the course.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
