...the teacher appears

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

What Kitti says here makes sense.

It's the compromise I've had to make as well.

Reading the pain in other's posts still takes me back to that same pain for myself. I'm hoping that as time goes by, I'll be detached enough from that pain to be able to help others more. But for now, I have to have faith that my continued posting gives them encouragment...

I hope that helps, Sage.

I do think a new forum would help. I don't want to toot my own horn or brag...but I do think there is a whole new set of challenges to be faced once reconciliation has occured.

Hugs!

[RMC]

Sage,
Please don't feel obligated. We all would want you to do what's best for YOU.

We do value your advise and insightfulness, but if it is detrimental to your healing then you need to think about it.

Sounds like that's what your doing.
It also sounds as though you get insecure sometimes which is totally normal after what you've been through.

I think it takes a LONG time to put the demons to rest.

Mattie has been reconciled to her H for some time and she still struggles with the memories sometimes.

Maybe she can help you with how to juggle this-she seems to be doing great in her M and still comes here to help people.

I know she cks on my thread regularly, so I'll ask her to ck yours out. She's very wise and her advise is invaluble to me.

I hope she can help you sort through this.
Glad you had a good trip, WELCOME BACK! Rachael

[shinybear]

Hi Sage!

Funny, after my last couple of posts, I wondered why I was taking up the space here...but then something, some growing pain, some advance, something comes up that I want to share.

Sage, I remember when you said you were going to foray into Newcomers....I had just done that and could NOT do it myself. I think I posted that to you...just TOO painful and overwhelming.

To be perfectly honest, I haven't left this forum for months. And I certainly don't try to keep up with EVERYONE!

(Save yourself the time...all's well in shinyville! ).

As for your holidays, WOW...NYC...a personal dream of mine...I'd probably end up being one of those dorks that couldn't get in to see Letterman!

And the TALK...well, yes some scary sentiments voiced by your H...but you are SOOOO right to recognize that he is SHARING with you some deep, scary feelings and yes, that IS real intimacy.

I feel CJ and I are behind on this, but I've been following you along pretty much this whole journey...there's time!

Shiny

P.S. Fantastic news about the reconnections with family, especially the hug with Mom!!!

[sage]

Shiny mentioned a new thread for those of us who have Divorce Busted our marriage, and have reconciled with our spouses, but still going through growing pains.

I'd love to see a thread like this open on the BB. I think it'd help Newcomers cause they could easily stop in on our threads and see all the people who have made it...and the challenges we face.

Give them hope and also, realistic idea of what happens after.

Whacha think?

PIB -- A great idea! Is this the thread that cycler started yesterday? I've been tossing some ideas around in my head about what to post..

sage

[sage]

and please this is no attempt at guilt here - but there is priceless comfort in knowing that even tho certain divorces may be "busted" that there is still struggling, not just with the r but with inner turmoil

just coming here to chronical your feelings shows that there is still work ahead for all of us, that it never is EASY to be in a marriage - and that it is quite normal to still have insecurities

Thanks for this Kitti...I'm happy that my thread and posts give insight to others...I end up feeling so self indulgent sometimes when I come here, post away and then leave without posting on other people's threads!

Sage

[KutieKat]

just a side point sweetie

please remember the others who are only LURKING - they also derive massive benefits from reading, and you have no way of knowing who they are, so wipe that thought of "self indulgence" right out of your brain

i know, cause i lurked for two monts before my first post

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Hi Sage,

You said:

PIB -- A great idea! Is this the thread that cycler started yesterday? I've been tossing some ideas around in my head about what to post..


Actually, what I had in mind was a forum for all our threads. That way, we could each have our own threads, and people would easily be able to see the number of DBers whose spouse has come home or officially said they were ready to work on the marriage.

In my opinion, Peicing is great for the step from separation to reconciliation. I'm talking about a forum for threads who have reached the reconciliation stage!

Not sure I'm making any sense.

Hugs!

[sage]

Zoo --

I think that the R talk that you and H had was a good thing. Scary yes, but from what you describe of his actions afterward it sounds like it was something HE needed to do too. Awesome that you were able to de-personalize it too and digest it without it becoming overwhelming

Thanks for this h's actions post talk have been AMAZING and I'm taking them as a positive sign that he viewed the talk as a good thing. It's SO hard, though, to not get caught up in making ASSumptions or leaps of understanding...my h is very literal and encourages me to NOT read into what he says...I tend to put the occasional "spin" on things (duh)...so hearing him articulate his continued what -- confusion? ambivalence? fears? is well, scary.

I have limited myself to staying in Piecing and only replying to a certain # of threads. I read more then I reply to but I find that I don't get caught up so easily as long as I just stick to reading...I guess because I don't have to think as hard as I do when I reply

Yes, it makes me a little sad that I can't get as involved as I would like to...I owe a great deal to this forum...butit was the only compromise I could come up with that worked, otherwise I might have left the BB altogether It might be a solution you could try as well?

yah...I think I need to come to grips with the "fact" that due to limited time AND limited PMA that I need to accept NOT giving out more than I am right now.

Sage

[Hud]

sage,

Again, welcome back. Ironic, because when I awoke this morning, I was thinking of how self-indulgent I had been lately with all the strange and rapidly moving developments in my sitch. As a result, I started thinking of who I could help on the bb with any insights I've gained recently, and you came to mind first!

Then I come to your page and see you've been feeling self-indulgent a little too!

Anyway, here's the suggestion. If you don't have it already, IMMEDIATELY go out and get the book "The Relationship Cure" by John Gottman.

I've been working through it this week and it's as if every light in the house is being turned on finally. It's not a crisis-management book; rather it explains the building blocks to an emotional connection.

Knowing how you're constantly striving (and succeeding, I might add) at strengthening your bond with your H, well, you naturally came to my mind.

I'll catch up more later.

Take care, friend.

Hud

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Sage,

I'm not sure about my idea. It might be too much segregation.

Perhaps we should just stay in Piecing and trust that those who need to read our threads will find us.

Hugs!