Because I am so insecure, I try to predict and control and choreograph everything that happens.
I am often living in the future, trying to make something happen in order to fill a bottomless pit of unhappiness within myself.
I did not see the connection between my need to control and force and make things happen the way I want, and my wife's need to have a natural flow and intimacy and chemistry in our lives and especially in our lovemaking.
She has no complaints with my oral skills. There I can make her do backflips because there I am in control.
But that is not what she longs for. She longs for true lust, passion, intimacy, connection...
She wants:
"intense I say intense chemistry while making love missionary style it has not been that way for us!!"
Her complaint is that being together does not feel natural. Everything about us seems really forced and difficult.
She says if I was already there living in the states she would give us another chance because:
"Nothing would need to be done but getting together every so often to see how things go. I don't understand what you don't understand???!!!"
She also says: "You seem to not truly care what I'm feeling and what I've been ignoring. You want things to turn out your way and that's it!!"
Thank you TrueGritter.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
"You seem to not truly care what I'm feeling and what I've been ignoring. You want things to turn out your way and that's it!!"
Listen to her.
Really listen.
Now.
Her feelings are her feelings. You can jump up and down and stomp your feet saying she shouldn't feel this way or that you want her to feel differently.
Feelings? Are spantaneous reactions to stimulus. Good or bad. They are not controllable.
What you do with them is controllable.
You can sit here and wish and hope she feels differently or
start killing those things that create them.
In you.
At the very basic level Busting. Way down in there.
Is your fear.
Fear your W won't take you back. Guilt for being someone you know you want to be but are afraid to try.
I don't give a rat's patooty about your W right now.
Time for you save yourself. Save you and your M maybe...
Maybe.
Has a shot.
It is easy to blame your current situation for not taking this step.
It is easy to feel defeated because of your failings.
If you are unhappy with yourself why would someone want to be with that person?
You don't even want to be with that person right now.
Those things up there in your sig. Good qualities.
So where does your self doubt lie?
Find it. Hunt it down and kill it.
Take a step for YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Those things up there in your sig. Good qualities.
So where does your self doubt lie?
Find it. Hunt it down and kill it.
Take a step for YOU.
Where does my self-doubt lie.
In my stories.
In the tales that I tell myself.
In my reactions and projections.
Where does my self-doubt lie.
It lies in my clinging to the past and the identity I unconsciously accepted.
It lies in my dependence on a future that is always out of reach.
It lies in antiquated patterns of self-deception and protection.
My self-doubt is tricky and insidious. It has all the power of a brilliant mind ready to do it's bidding. Ready to jump on it's command.
My self doubt has owned me. It has taken over me. It has ruled me. It has gotten way out of hand and forced me out of the driver's seat of my life.
It has made me insecure. It has made me poor and miserable and feeling broken and always having less than I desire.
It has brought so much failure and misery and suffering and unhappiness in my life that there is no way I could ever measure or even mourn the damage that's been done.
But I am ready to move on.
Only the vaguest idea of what that will consistently look like in practice, but I know that I am ready and totally up to face the challenge.
Bring it.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Right now I am feeling so overwhelmed by everything - especially my responsibilities at work - that I would rather just retreat back here and hide.
I'd rather just come back here and talk about working on my stuff instead of just rolling up my sleeves and actually settling in to do the work.
F**k.
That's what I love about the truth. Once we've seen it, we can't unsee it. We can only pretend we didn't see it.
And I, for one, am done pretending.
I have a lot of work to do right now, so rather than avoiding it as usual by giving myself some other diversion or distraction, I'm simply going to make a note that later on I want to talk about the messages of overwhelm and inadequacy.
That's all for now.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
First on my list of things to immediately bust are my feelings of overwhelm and inadequacy.
When I'm feeling overwhelmed I know it means I have lost sight of the things that are truly most important to me.
Rather than staying stuck, the solution is to simply make a list of the things that are overwhelming me, put them in order of priority and get to work crossing them off my list. No stories necessary. When the pressure is on you, start, and the pressure will be off.
When I am feeling inadequate I am feeling that I unable to perform the task at hand.
Rather than giving up, giving in, or feeling beaten, broken or depressed before I even start, get excited! Appreciate that here is another opportunity for growth. Do something to get better right away.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
So right now I am feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work that I must do in my job, and I am feeling inadequate in my ability to manage our company and effectively serve our clients.
Worse, I feel a resistance even to begin, so I know there is still something beneath the surface going on that is still attached to the drama.
Otherwise I'd be working on prioritizing my tasks instead of still sitting here typi
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
So a couple of days ago Beckie the WAW decided to take me up on my offer of a DB coaching session.
She said "it couldn't hurt" and decided to attend.
I made the stupid mistake of calling back and asking for even more after she has agreed and nearly undid all my progress, but redeemed myself a little with some birthday gifts that she told me left her speechless.
She had told me to set up the appointment for either the 15th, 16th or 17th.
I didn't want to wait two weeks and set up an appointment for a few days later instead, but I made a mistake on her schedule and so she wasn't able to attend our appointment yesterday.
But everything happens for a reason, and I reasoned that whether Beckie was there or not, it would be a good use of time and money to have the appointment myself.
I wasn't disappointed.
I have spoken to 4 different DB coaches, including Michelle, and all of them are...Heaven sent.
IMHO If you have not spoken to any of them yet you are doing yourself and your marriage a great disservice.
WAY worth the money!
Good news is today I am not only certain of my next steps, for the first time in weeks, I am feeling truly hopeful for our marriage.
We can do this!
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
