......are these itty bitty baby steps?

[Sanderika]

GAG,

I have given your request a lot of thought. This is very hard for me to put into words, my emotions are so raw. I was such a rotten person back then.

A little background first.....

In the situation with my H 6.5 years ago when he lost his mother to cancer we were still together and things between us were not that great due to my bout with depression which at that point in time was already about a year old and even though he tried to help me in his own way I refused and grew very defensive with him.

The key here is we were still together and he still was "here". During the loss of his Mother he became very depressed himself. I was so self absorbed that I did not recognize this. I was also involved with an Aunt I loved like a mother who was dying at the same time of cancer. I lost her 7 months after MIL. My world existed in a very small place. I was a zombie when awake and then I was asleep, I slept a lot.

Had I been willing to see what I was involved with I would have put my selfishness aside and nurtured him through this event that to this day he has trouble dealing with.

Another thing to note, two weeks before her death my H was burned in a propane explosion and was unable to see her until three days before she died. This added to his emotions. By the time he was able to see her she was not able to really communicate because she was in another place inside her head. Then within 24 hours she was just there....hanging on until the end, the slow death of a loved one is not a very good sight to watch.

I am crying as I write this.....

I would have hugged him like there was no tomorrow, I would have loved him like he deserved. I have such regrets. In the place I was in I was unable to love. I didn't like anyone in my world including myself.

My H was a fragile soul and I just watched. I should have taken the time to talk with him about the good times and the sad ones. I should have held his hand. I should have held him as he fell asleep. I would have made sure he knew I was there for him in mind and body. He would have had the love he needed to get through it.

I did try my best to see MIL frequently, at the request of my FIL I baked for MIL. He would call me almost every day and ask me to make her something she talked about. She was always saying how much she loved..... "molasses cookies" for example, so he would call me and ask me to make them. He was always trying to give her one more simple pleasure before she died. I made all her favorites and even though she would only take one or two bites she would always close her eyes and just savor the flavor.

I wrote her obituary for the family. It was something they could not bring themselves to do. I wrote it with love and admiration for a woman I loved deeply and still mourn. They were very pleased with my words.

After her death and the formalities were over with, I still did not touch H. I still kept on my own path sort of speak. He needed me so much and I was not there.

He left me 9 months after her death stating to me that he was too depressed to stay any longer and that he felt unloved by me. He had already found the OW, the same one he is with today.

I don't really know if I have helped you or not, GAG. This is all different in your situation as you are not still married to H and do not have the opportunity every moment of every day to make a difference to him as he goes through this very difficult time.

I am still crying.....I will close for now. Should you come up with any specific requests for my opinion, I will help you as best I can.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika