Shine on you crazy diamond III

[FellOnBlackDays]

Iw, my W was attending my future SIL's bachelorette party. I was hosting the bachelor's party. Most of the men with me were the husbands of the females attending the other party. Late in the evening, frankly, well after midnight, all the other men with me started getting texts from the female party except me. I caved and sent her a message that stated, "I hope you are your crew are had a wonderful time tonight. ;-) Be careful getting home."

NO response whatsoever. I know, I am attaching expectations and thinking too much. But, would it have killed her to simply send back, "You too." Really, would that have been so freaking hard?!?!? 15 damned years together and I am no longer worth a six letter response??? Really? She has an Iphone. It would have taken 4 seconds to type that and hit send. 4 seconds!!!!

I am just getting tired of the games. She comes here this week, hugs me, asks about me, gets misty-eyed when talking to me, gets whats she wants from the house and then can't find the time to send a six letter response to a simple gesture?

I know, as 2step said, I am attaching expectations. But, for 15 years, I would catch a ration of hell if I didn't call her every day when we were apart. Now, I am supposed to accept the fact that she cannot type up a 6 letter response. Yes, I admit it. I EXPECTED a response. Guilty as charged. But, was that too much to ask? Funny, when she needs something from the f*cking house or money or furniture, I seem to be able to find the time for her. But, last night, she could not find 4 damned seconds for me!?!?!?

I found the time to get boxes out of the attic, I found the time to help her pack, I found the time to go away so she could come in here with her family and move her stuff. I always seem to be able to find the time for her. Yet, four seconds was just too much of a burden for her last night. Four seconds!! Count with me. One. Two. Three. Four. Done. I am sorry, but I am going to have to remember this the next time she needs something from me. Maybe I have been too available, too nice, too accommodating. I may have to rethink my need to help her out all the time.

I am sorry BITS, I am just venting. I will be over this by the morning. My apologies...

FOBD

[Queen_of_Swords]

FOBD, darlin' haven't you noticed that your texts haven't been getting through in a timely fashion these days? I have.
The system isn't perfect. Give her the benefit of the doubt. It costs you nothing and saves you much angst.

and even so, you might be forgetting something, right now...she's frozen that part of herself off, she's numb to you and your needs. She can't afford to care, it hurts too much.

Cut yourself some slack here. Your feelings are hurt, and you don't feel valued by her. Rejection hurts.


If you break it down and are able to categorize the type of rejection it is, it becomes easier to handle.

It all hurts but...

1) it's not a big deal. It's not true and once that person knows me better they'll know I'm not that way.

2) it's not a big deal. It's not true, and that person is very negative and nothing I do or say will change their mind.

3) it is true, and it is a flaw I have, but I'm working to change that the best I can, and on balance I have more strengths than weaknesses.

[Truegritter]

I am just getting tired of the games.

Then step away from the table.

Do you think she is playing games? I really don't think so FOBD.

She is not sitting there thinking I am not going to text him back because this or that or to get a rise out of you.

She didn't because she didn't want to. Why?

Well WTF knows except her.

The truth is she doesn't care about your feelings right now. Or she feels guilty for what she is doing and you remind her of that. Who knows?

She is not thinking about you she is thinking about herself.

So why place any value on her words or actions one way or another?

I know this is hard.

What did this thing teach you besides that you're angry she is being so cold and insensitive towards you?

[InAPickle]

I know you're just venting,
but from your rant, it appears she has a stranglehold on your emotions.
You are so not detached.
Get off the coaster FOBD.
Do it for you man.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Scy, TG and Pickle. Thanks for the support. Yes, you are all correct. I am letter her control my emotions. It is just so hard sometimes.

My coach suggested I start initiating some small contact to test the waters. As you read above, my text on Saturday night was ignored and I let it upset me. Well, I tried again tonight and got rejected again. For the past 16 years, my w and I always go down to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. We make it a mini-vacation and stay down there for four or five days. We always have a blast and ALWAYS look forward to it coming around each year. Well, this year was tough....

I avoided the whole thing completely on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Sunday evening I started to regret not going by myself. So, I took Monday and Tuesday off, found some friends down there with room in their hotel room for me and I headed down to The Big Easy. I was very, very apprehensive as I had no idea how I would handle being there without her. By the way, she was there also, just with another group of friends. Her leaving me really seems to have had no effect on her social calendar!!

Anyway, the whole trip was an attempt to GAL as much as possible. Well, it was a huge mistake. I was miserable!!! Last night, the buddies I was with made some female friends and disappeared. I could not find them and cell phones were useless as the circuits were overloaded by 300,000 people being in the city. I spent most of the night wandering around the city alone. It was awful! I just walked around all night drinking by myself. I wanted to die. All I could do was think about her non-stop!

Then, this morning, I got separated from my group again and could not catch up with them because the phones weren't working. Again, I spent countless hours just aimlessly wandering around N.O. alone and watching others have fun. At some point, I was so depressed that I went back to the room, crawled into a ball on the bed and took a nap in the middle of the biggest party on earth!!! We had a room in the French Quarter. The entire thing was taking place just outside my hotel and I was in bed!!! I was supposed to stay tonight, but I couldn't take it any longer. This afternoon, while my buddies were lost in the crowd, I packed my bags and came home. I left them a note telling them I was feeling ill and needed to go home. I ended up paying for the room anyway and coming home where I feel more comfortable and safe.

So, I was crushed on the way home. I decided to send her a brief text stating, "Happy Mardi Gras! I hope you and your crew are having a wonderful time. :-)" That was two hours ago... nothing. Now, I guess maybe the message is having trouble getting through. Some messages were taking up to an hour to go through. But, I am pretty sure she is just ignoring me again. Lovely! 16 year tradition down the drain and you can't send me a letter and a number... "U 2"?????? I realize I am once again having expectations. But, really? Really?

Oh well, screw it. I am going to bed. I honestly do hope she is OK and makes it home safely. She is still the love of my life and New Orleans has it's shady element.

Boy, I just can't wait until the damned wedding this weekend!!!!

FOBD

[Queen_of_Swords]

So, I was crushed on the way home. I decided to send her a brief text stating, "Happy Mardi Gras! I hope you and your crew are having a wonderful time. :-)" That was two hours ago... nothing. Now, I guess maybe the message is having trouble getting through. Some messages were taking up to an hour to go through. But, I am pretty sure she is just ignoring me again. Lovely! 16 year tradition down the drain and you can't send me a letter and a number... "U 2"?????? I realize I am once again having expectations. But, really? Really?

FOBD, the dawn will come, you will feel better... eventually.

I think the hardest part for we LBS is to understand that when it comes to us is that, no, they don't care about our feelings.
Too long our spouses felt stepped on, ignored, discounted, disrespected and dishonored.
In their minds they are fully justified in treating us they way they felt we treated them.
Is it considerate? No . Is it polite? No. Are we often treated worse than a stranger? Yes. Is it fair? No. Is it childish? Better believe it!

You're right, your expectation of how things "should" be are colouring how you feel right now.
My suggestions?
Lower those expectations to bare minimum. You are a stranger to her.
I've been flat out told by my H. he doesn't know me anymore, it sorta makes me laugh because after a time of DBing, and the program I'm doing he really doesn't! His expectations of me are totally FUBAR'ed now.

Breathe FOBD, let this one go. She can't miss you if you're bugging her.

I'm sorry your trip was not what you wished.

[ironMan]

Ok, FOBD. You know TrueGritter and Pickle are right .... but you're not listening anyway. If you're going to be upset if you don't get a response to a text .... don't send it. Awaiting a response is having an expectation of a response.

So, here's the thing as I see it ...... at this point ..... you have to do everything without expectation. That is how you can love her at this point.

You have to detach so you can do that. She can't help you right now. You have to take care of you. And, expecting anything out of your insane WAW ..... is insane on your part.

Come with me, FOBD. Let's go together. Let's keep walking. Your WAW is going on a different road but we have to keep moving anyway. You may or may not end up in the same place as her. But, you have to keep moving anyway. One foot in front of the other. Its your life not hers.

[Lotus]

OK, so you had a rotten Mardi Gras. Having lived there for 25 years, I can tell you if you haven't had one yet, you were due for one. The crowds, the wait for bathrooms, the endless calls for beads, like anyone really needs another pair of beads! Maybe you are just getting older and realize that standing out drunk in the streets with 300,000 other drunks is not the most exciting thing on earth.

And then, you send a text message to someone on Mardi Gras and expect her to be looking at her cell phone. If she even knows where it is! She may not look at her cell phone until tomorrow. After all, they don't clear the streets until 2:00. Get over it!

[Denver_2010]

So, here's the thing as I see it ...... at this point ..... you have to do everything without expectation. That is how you can love her at this point.

This is exactly right FOBD. This is what you have to do right now. It is unconditional love.... without expectation of reciprocation.

BITS
Denver

[ScaredinCanada]

FOBD,

I know your struggles, we don't want to live life without them. The GAL, and "new us" feels pointless without them in our lives and we look for signs all the time that show they miss the life with us as well.

At times I feel like she does, and others she seems intentionally distant.

It was my birthday last week, and my W was on vacation (without me) with D6. She never called, didn't get D6 to call or anything. When she returned home, she didn't wish me a belated "Happy Birthday" and she didn't apologize for missing it.

I feel like she is going out of her way to show me "I don't care about you anymore", in hopes that I eventually don't care about her anymore. It's depressing.

She told me yesterday that her dream is to meet and marry a cowboy, someone that shares the same likes, dreams and loves as her. She asked me, "Wouldn't you be a lot happier if you had a W that loved to watch hockey with you?" I told her that I don't think having the exact same interests is healthy, that everyone needs to have some of their own interests.

I don't think anything is going to change with us until she feels she's done what she can to fullfil her dream - I just wish I understood exactly what triggered her strong feelings go after it and leave me behind?

For now I'm not going to stop trying to be a better husband and a better person, especially calmer and I'm going to do my best to avoid expectations - something I believe I've done a much better job of lately.

Anyways, hopefully you can relate FOBD and it gives a little bit of comfort.

Stay focused on you, and when you sitch's arise be the man you want to be and show her what she is missing!

BITS
SIC