H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Journaling....

After our upheavals (panic attacks, etc) it turned out to be a nice two week time with my D, friends and sister.

Weekdays was work and school as usual, with bad weather and good, but we survived. Several days we went to visit friends and share dinner or a glass of wine. Weekends were fun times for both me and D.

Thinking back to this whole sitch, I realize that it seems like I am starting to get into a more stable stage. There hasn't been any major event that has happened initiated by D with regards to the EA or the M in the past month or so. I think the anxiety attack I had was more of a rite of passage, a last ditch refusal to accept reality. Right now I feel that I have touched rock bottom emotionally and am now leaving that behind. Hope it means I am hopping out of the coaster. Although it may be just because of the stability of not having H around for 2 weeks.

Even D12 feels it too. After mass today she asks me when her dad is coming, I said Tuesday. I asked her if she was excited, and she tells me "I guess". I asked her if that meant she was not sure, and she said "yes, we survived the weeks without him and actually had fun, now I am nervous that it will be stressful again". So I asked if the stress was because I am stressed when H is around, and she said partly, but apparently, she is stressed too.

I did't have a clue because every time they talked on the phone, she was always so sweet to him, ending each call with "ILY daddy" in the most "wrapping dad around my little finger" tone.

That is so sad, because D12 actually was always closer to H than me. He is the one who is the hands on parent - cooks, brings her to school and back. But I guess his EA has taken its toll on how he interacts with her.

I don't know though if this is bad, but I actually felt that how D12 feels might help if we had to go ahead with the S.

The two week time though has made me more prepared to DB and keep my home an oasis of calm when H comes back. I feel very even keeled right now, ready to take on the world, alert and starting to be organized again. I feel like I am waking up, leaving my depression and sadness and paralysis behind.