Let Us Be Outstanding Together.

[Busting Mode]

Feeling the pain again tonight.

But I'm remembering the pain is not there to hurt me.
It is there to make me more aware.

What my pain is making me aware of is that I am
creating it myself.

The past couple of hours I have been thinking how hopeless my situation is, how virtually impossible it will be for my wife to ever agree to let me come back into the U.S. and spend more time with her.

I keep thinking that without even the opportunity to ever go and visit her, I do not have a hope in hell of having a committed relationship with her ever again.

I am thinking she will undoubtedly find someone else who does not have all these problems with immigration that I am having.

But I am also seeing that I am worrying about things that have not happened yet.

Even if they are 95% likely to happen, there is a chance that they will not. If the bad things I am thinking of don't happen, then I will have been causing myself unnecessary pain and suffering.

And if the bad things do happen, I can simply deal with my feelings as I am doing now.

Accepting them.
Eliminating them.
And moving on.

It is my wife's birthday tomorrow and I am feeling melancholy that I cannot be there with her.

But it is more respectful of myself to focus on all the love and times and touches we have shared, and the fact that she will always be my friend.

It is more honorable towards myself to focus on becoming the kind of man I really want to be - the kind of man who has become so irresistibly attractive to my wife that I am 100% certain she will find a way to come to me if I cannot come to her.

The kind of man who is 100% certain that the next time we meet in person - yes, I have no doubt that even if takes years there will be a time when the two of us are along again...

And when that time finally arrives I have no doubt we will finally come together in the ways that both of us have always wanted.

I am certain that even if she sleeps with another man after our divorce, she will once again want to sleep with me at some point in the future, and with my confidence fully restored from having invested so much time in truly taking care of myself and living extraordinarily well...

I will not fear.

I will lead.
Not follow.
I will create.
Not destroy.
I will believe.
Not doubt.
I will defy the odds.
I will set a new standard.
And my Love and I will prevail.



I love you L----.

I am thinking of you a lot this evening.

And while I wish I could hold you in my arms, I do indeed have you in my heart.

Your ever-lovin' husband,

Michael

[Busting Mode]

Well today is her Birthday and I am not sure what to how or do.

I have arranged for flowers to be delivered to her at work tonight, no real danger of pressing any wrong buttons there...

But I also have something else I would like send her today and if possible I would like to get a woman's perspective on this before I do.

I have created a video of myself singing to her acapella. It's an old Mac Davis song called "Believe In Music".

This is SO different than anything I have ever done or even come close to showing her before, I have no doubt she will appreciate it.

My question is, should I send the video to her in private?
Or should I post it on Facebook for all the world to see?

I feel with this video I am walking a very thin line between pursuing and attracting, so please tell me what you think.

Thanks very much.

[Busting Mode]

OPTION 2:

Besides the video, I have also written this birthday message for her that I thought I might send along with a picture of a special statue we have in our front yard...


----------------------

L----,

Today is your birthday and there is magic in the air.

Today is the beginning of a brand new year in the life of my luscious L---- and whether we stay married,
or if we only continue on as friends, this year I intend to pamper you and care for you and give back to you as much lovin' as you well let me
for all of the 42 years of love and compassion that I know you have constantly shown others,
and especially for everything you have done for me during the past four years of living our lives together.

Even through all our challenges, I can say without a doubt you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
You are the best lover, the best friend, the best woman I have ever known.
So this year I want you to have the best year ever with or without me by your side.

Now let me tell you about this picture in as few words as I can, because now I really understand that actions say more
than words.

A few days I had my friend Teresa stop by the house and take this picture because for me it has more meaning than I have ever told you.

When I first saw this statue I felt it was a beacon.
I knew it was a sign from God that said "Here is your's and Leesa's home."

I have always loved this statue for reasons and feelings I cannot but into words.
At the very least, it is a beautiful symbol of true undying Love.
For me it represents full and total merger with nothing left to fear.
It is a symbol of the Love I have for you.

But there was always something about this statue that made me feel a little fear.

I was afraid because of how into each other these two figures are.
I was afraid of how "into" the woman this man was.
I was afraid because sometimes it looked the man was losing himself inside this woman.
And I was afraid of losing myself in you.

Or more to the point, I was afraid of losing the illusions I had about myself before you came along.
Among other things, for me this statue symbolizes the two of us rising up to become bigger and better people together.
Both of these figures strike me as being powerful, and subconsciously, I was more comfortable playing small.

And I didn`t really want to change.
Until you showed me that I must.

Now this reminds me of nothing more than the best in us.
It serves only as a tribute to us, and shows me just how far we have
actually come together.

No matter what happens moving forward,
I can`t ever thank you enough for helping me become a bigger and better man.
Every day I can feel my happiness, mhy confidence and my faith in God and you is growing,
and every day I feel so lucky to have you in my life.


Happy Birthday, Goddess.

xoxoxoxox

----------

Once again, the question is do I share this message with her publicly or privately or not at all?


Looking forward to your feedback.

Thanks.

[Busting Mode]

Well I worked out for myself what to do.

Posted the birthday video on her facebook page (along with the 50 other well wishers that have posted there) because I felt it was still light enough to share in public...

...and I'm going to send her the text and statue picture later on this evening after she gets the flowers at work. Gonna take out the line about my friend taking the picture to remove any hint of creepiness or stalking, and beyond that I'm pretty sure it will be well received.

Only other small question on my mind is bringing up the DB appointment which she told me to schedule around the 16th, but there is an opening tomorrow and I'd like to suggest we take that one instead (I have already booked it, and if it doesn't work for her I'll just take the appointment myself)

I'm still here...

[Queen_of_Swords]

You're still here. Good. So am I!

You know what you want, you have the tools to get there, you need to work the method. I do too. You're doing well.
90% of success is just showing up.

[Busting Mode]

Thanks Scylla.

Can't say I am happy you're still here - I'm wishing you had someplace even better you could be - but I am grateful you are here.

Today I am finally starting to see it is not just about me.
I am not the only one who is struggling.
And I am not the only one in pain.

My wife is suffering, too.
Probably even more than me.

I can see now I need to take all the pressure off of her.
Even if that means ending our marriage as soon as she desires.

Even if it means loss of income and opportunity for me.

If she really needs to be free,
then I simply have to let her.

Because she knows better than me
what is best for her.

Usually I have a lot to say,
but right now that is already sounding
like a lot more than I really want to hear.

Gets me thinking even more about what I have contributed
to this drama. Gonna sit with this awhile.

peace.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am sorry that you and I are still here too.

Nothing to be done for it but continue to work on our own failings, seek understanding, empathy,and do what fits in with our own moral code and principles. DB is part of that.


If you're interested and update and more on my situation is posted in MidLife Crisis.

[Busting Mode]

Thanks S,

Went and checked out your MLC thread.
Lot of great insight there.

[Busting Mode]

Liked this post so much just wanted to give myself a reminder...

GAL and having a window of opportunity can go hand in hand.

I made a bucket list. It is mine--all about me. My H wouldn't want to do any of it anyway, probably.

I get very excited about the things that I will do for ME. I can now gear my life in this direction. I do have a S15 to think of, but in just a few years he'll be "off" and then I can REALLY go for this stuff. But in the meantime, there have been many pleasant hours researching, planning, dreaming, scheming...Very joyful, wonderful hours!!

Am I doing anything that will close the door on my H? I don't think so. If anything, if he is around, it will make me a more interesting person.

If there is another person somewhere down the line, the NEW person has to get in line--behind MY bucket list!! Because new people are going to interfere!!

So whether it's H or not doesn't matter. There is a certain amount of time out there that is MINE. 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? I don't know.

Because these things, as I really think about them, are my very favoritest (if that is a word.lol) things. I have been around almost 48 years (next Tues is my Bday).

I have gotten down to the basic, core things that make me happy. I'm not 20. Clothes and partying don't make me happy. I'm not 30. New cars and big houses don't make me happy. I'm not really even 40 much longer. Keeping up with my neighbors doesn't make me happy.

My bucket list isn't difficult or expensive. It's just...me.

Have you done your bucket list SC? Don't worry about your H "getting it" or "his childhood problems" or ...

Happiness isn't going to be looking at someone else and having them "get anything". It's about YOU.

Thanks LauraOh!

[Busting Mode]

Got hit with a massive 2x4 today. By my mom!
Who would have thought such a little runt
could throw such a heavy wallop!

Basically came down to me feeling so inadequate and insecure all my life that it's no wonder I am so often trying to plot and plan and control the outcome of every little thing.

She totally busted me on what I was thinking / planning / orchestrating for tomorrow's DB call with wife. I had my plans all laid out for what I was going to say and do...

Add now...

Hi my name is Mike and I am addicted to being in control.

More about this later.

About 30 minutes ago I got a text from my wife saying:

Thx for the flowers they're beautiful
I'm speechless about your song!
You can call don't text I'm at work but not too busy now


What I like most is that I didn't instantly respond. I went for a little walk first and didn't even think about what I was going to say.

For me this is definitely progress.

Appears I've done some good today.

Will tell you more about it later.