Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

[sparks14]

For those of you where your spouse moved out during a separation... Do you remember the night before? The day it happened? If you left, the feelings you had seeing your home in pieces?

This is just a very strange feeling. Thinking that this is the last night my home will really remain intact. I know that my W has been absent for a few months, but the rest of our home that we out together with love. With the exception of her dog, I guess everything is material.

Even the situation with dogs are getting me choked up. The dog I brought into our R stays. Her's goes. It is like splitting up two brothers. They are the best of friends.

I need to stay as confident and unemotional as I tried last Monday. IT will be difficult, though.

Tomorrow, I am taking my S with my mother who came in town to my sister's place for the day. I don't want to be near here. At least that way, my W won't see my emotion as she leaves.

Any suggestions on how to get through this? I am feeling so broken.

[sparks14]

W is here with S. She is nursing him amd then to bed. We ordered a pizza. She has some things to go through here before tomorrow's move. Staying super positive. Head up.

Any suggestions on how to deal with your spouse moving out? I am getting out of the way tomorrow, but I imagine it will hit me hard to come home in a half empty house.

[♪CS♪]

I don't know if there is an easy way to handle it. One thing I did was start rearranging what was left right away. Made the best of what I had and made it look pretty good.

[sparks14]

Thanks, CS. She is taking the coffee table, living room chairs, and end tables. I have replacements for all stored in the garage. She asked me on Monday if she wanted me to have her come over after therapy on Tuesday to trade them out. She said it may make it easier to come home with pieces back in place. At first I told her that I would consider it. After a night thinking about it, I told her no. I didn't want any part of moving her things. I also want her to know that I am strong and can take coming home to it. So surreal tonight.

[sparks14]

W left. No tears. Head high.

Good news is she told me that she did not have the money for the pet deposit at the apartment. She asked if it would be okay for me to keep her dog. YES! She said that she might try to sneak him over a couple of times. We'll see how that goes. At least, our two dogs don't have to go through seperation. Small victory counted.

[AJM80]

Sparks - you're in that weird stage where you have a newborn and a job and crazy relationship issues/therapy and things get sort of all consuming. Just get out of it sometimes - be alone and go for a walk or something. I don't think you're any more focused on this than I am, but it seems like you really identify with writing/mulling over the play by play. Not a bad thing, BUT this character trait seems to be translating into a lot of communication and looking for feedback (play by play) from the W. It sounds like she wants to give it to you, too - telling you it's ok to be upset, etc.

I don't know if you are leaving her a life line/working towards reconciling, or giving her a safety cushion. If you were farther along, it would seem like you would be putting things back together with these talks and moments. But she's moving out...she's taking the dog, furniture, money, and trying to push for more time with your baby (she's got an argument a lot of women would identify with since she is nursing him, maybe that's why your therapist seemed to be on her side - I am actually afraid sometimes that my H is just waiting that out so he can get more time)

[sparks14]

Sparks - you're in that weird stage where you have a newborn and a job and crazy relationship issues/therapy and things get sort of all consuming. Just get out of it sometimes - be alone and go for a walk or something. I don't think you're any more focused on this than I am, but it seems like you really identify with writing/mulling over the play by play. Not a bad thing, BUT this character trait seems to be translating into a lot of communication and looking for feedback (play by play) from the W. It sounds like she wants to give it to you, too - telling you it's ok to be upset, etc.

I don't know if you are leaving her a life line/working towards reconciling, or giving her a safety cushion. If you were farther along, it would seem like you would be putting things back together with these talks and moments. But she's moving out...she's taking the dog, furniture, money, and trying to push for more time with your baby (she's got an argument a lot of women would identify with since she is nursing him, maybe that's why your therapist seemed to be on her side - I am actually afraid sometimes that my H is just waiting that out so he can get more time)

Thanks, AJ. It is indeed a weird situation. I am doing my best to detach. It can be pretty difficult when we live separate but still see each other everyday. I avoid the extra texts and calls, though. This is one of the best things I can do right now.

I don't know what the deal is going to be with her once she moves into her own place today. I support her need for space and self discovery, although, we still have a baby that we trying to co-parent. She tells me that she wants to give me as much access to our S at the new apartment as possible, but I then agreed to her that I didn't want to do that often due to the need for space. She pulled the 50/50 co-parenting for an infant may not be the best for our S. I have been doing research, and this is a popular opinion. It is very rare to split an infant 50/50 like we do. This is a whole new topic for me to get into that I will save for later, but I do understand your concerns with your child.

Communication is occurring, which I find very positive. We have not talked at this level in a long time. We are going to therapy together. We get along great and laugh together often.

If this were any other situation, I would say that I could DB my a$$ off and save this marriage. Due to the elephant in the room, I know that both of us are probably just as confused. I don't know what I am to her right now.

This is her call to make right now. I told her that I would give her time and patience to figure out who she is and what her needs are. In the meantime, I will DB and improve our relationship.

So in the end, I really don't know. I still think I 180, detach when I can, and GAL.

I do take care of myself and get away. I go for long walks with the baby strapped on. I started exercising more. I usually meet friends out for beers once a week. I try to find something new and fun to do often. I know GAL will be huge for me.

Thanks for checking in AJ.

[AJM80]

I think your 50/50 is pretty awesome, btw - it stinks that my H is barely bonding with our son. I would hate it from a selfish standpoint (how would I feed him every other night, etc), but I think it's probably really good for your son. AND you shouldn't be penalized time with your son for what she did.

I was more just saying how I understand what the default views on it might be and how she might try to use it as leverage. With her crazy scheme w/ OW and your clear love of son, I would avoid giving much ground here at all.

[sparks14]

S and I are at my sister's place while my W is moving. Very surreal. I had to meet her this morning to grab a few things before I took off for the day. The baby was napping, so we spend another hour together. I stayed super positive.

I even made our bed up with all of the big pillows including her monogrammed one with her married initials. Our bed is huge and comfortable. It was the first thing she went for this morning.

If any of you have been following my story since the day I called her with the laffy taffy jokes a few weeks ago, you will understand the next move.

To break the ice, I went into the other room and came back with two small laffy taffy candies. I tossed one to her on the bed and had one myself sitting in our bedroom chair. As she was eating her candy, she read me her two jokes and then I told mine. We both laughed for awhile. As innocent, childish, and corny those jokes are, I knew she liked them. It was one of those small moments for me to show her that I had detached from the emotion of her moving out.

I know most of you want to make sure I am taking care of myself today. That is the advice I have been given lately. My S and I went to my sister's place where my mother is in town. S and his grandmother are having a ball today. I am relaxing, and we are about to run some errands together. It is nice spend the day together, and I would never trade it in for the world.

My W mentioned that she would come back by the house to pick up our S and some of his things. I told her that I did not want for her to be at our house when I got home (my mother is with me and I know they don't want to see each other), and that I would be happy to drop S off at her new place. She told me that she was not ready to show me her new place, and agreed that she would meet me in our driveway later. Not sure what to make of that, but I guess it is what it is.

I am sure that seeing the house without her things will hit me like a brick wall, but preparing myself for it might make it a little easier and less emotional.

[AJM80]

It's hard, isn't it? Hope you did alright last night.