W came by last night as she had scheduled. Right on time too. Very surprising. I made sure to hit the gym, eat a nice dinner and calm down before she got here. All in all, it went very well. Here are the highlights:
1) She was very nice, not "business-like" at all this time. 2) I was as nice as pie and as upbeat as a LBS could be. 3) She came in, gathered what she wanted together. I helped her carry it to the car and load it up. 4) We shared some really good laughs and talked like old friends. We talked about the upcoming wedding and other things. All very cool. 5) As she was about to leave, I kind of slipped up. I put out my arms to gesture that I thought we should hug. As I was doing it, I was thinking, "NO, you idiot!!" But, she moved right in and hugged me. I started with a half-hearted, one arm hug, but she came in for a full one. So, I grabbed her and hugged for dear life. She didn't pull away. She eventually pulled away, but left her arm around my waist. As she did, she looked me in the eyes and asked me, "How are you doing?" As she did, her voice seemed to crack just a bit and I swear I saw her eyes welling up a bit. I smiled and told her I was doing fine. She replied the same. We hugged again. For the first time in months, I swear I saw genuine emotion and caring in her eyes. I really think the going dark must have worked on her a bit. 6) I kind of failed a second time as she was leaving. I turned her and made her look me in the eyes. I asked her if she was doing OK financially and if she needed money. She kind of dipped her head so that she would have to look at me through her hair and smiled. It was the same smile I grew to love for the past 15 years. She then voluntarily told me all about her financial sitch and said she didn't need any help right now. She then told me how nice it was that I asked.
I walked her to her car and we talked for another 10 minutes in the driveway. She now seems to voluntarily tell me about everything that is going on with her. She told me about the past two weeks, what she has been up to, where she has been and what she plans to do this weekend. Very strange...
She drove away and I went inside. I guess I will chalk this up as a "small victory" for now. She is still hiding her address. Once again, she had peeled all the change of address labels off of the mail. I don't know why that still matters to her, but it does and I will continue to ignore it.
I think the ice is beginning to thaw. I think going dark, GALing and being as nice as I can be to her might just be working. The best part is that I feel great while doing it.
But, I must admit I crashed a bit after she left. I hadn't seen her in weeks and it felt nice to be in her presence. I did cry after she left because I miss her so much. And, I was ready for her to be cold and uncaring. But, just the opposite. The friendlier I got, the friendlier she got. It was completely different than what I expected. I guess that shocked me so much, I collapsed emotionally after she left. And, she was still wearing her wedding band behind another ring. It was on the wrong hand, but it was on her hand none the less.
I feel good about our visit. No, we are NOOOOOOOO where near any kind of reconciliation, but we are definitely firmly planted in the "friends" zone for now. And, I am OK with that. There are many out there that would trade places with me right now.
She confirmed last night that she will attend my brother's wedding. I guess I will have to be on my A-game that night. A couple of my friends have dared me to ask her to dance. I will have to see what happens when the time comes.
Damn, I miss her. But, at least she is no longer working to punish me, spitting venom at me or avoiding me. She even agreed to come back again one night next week to look for some stuff she could not find. I told her we would "look together" and she smiled and agreed.
Folks, if this isn't a testament to how well the DBing principles can work, I don't know what else is. When used properly, going dark, GALing, LRT'ing and being nice can work.
I still have miles to go before sleep, but at least I can now kind of feel the road moving beneath my feet...
BITS never walk alone!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
But, she moved right in and hugged me. I started with a half-hearted, one arm hug, but she came in for a full one. So, I grabbed her and hugged for dear life. She didn't pull away. She eventually pulled away, but left her arm around my waist. As she did, she looked me in the eyes and asked me, "How are you doing?" As she did, her voice seemed to crack just a bit and I swear I saw her eyes welling up a bit. I smiled and told her I was doing fine. She replied the same. We hugged again. For the first time in months, I swear I saw genuine emotion and caring in her eyes. I really think the going dark must have worked on her a bit.
These are the times that get me the most lately. My W and I are finally getting to a point where we understand the path we are going. We understand the emotions. We understand the confusion and uncertainty. There have been a few hugs in the lat few weeks where I did not want to let go. I know exactly where you are here.
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
I guess I will chalk this up as a "small victory" for now.
You have to embrace the small victories, or you will get lost waiting for the big ones. I count my W's laughter in front of me as a small victory. All of the little things that are positive should be noticed right now.
Originally Posted By: FellOnBlackDays
But, I must admit I crashed a bit after she left. I hadn't seen her in weeks and it felt nice to be in her presence. I did cry after she left because I miss her so much. And, I was ready for her to be cold and uncaring. But, just the opposite. The friendlier I got, the friendlier she got. It was completely different than what I expected. I guess that shocked me so much, I collapsed emotionally after she left. And, she was still wearing her wedding band behind another ring. It was on the wrong hand, but it was on her hand none the less.
The emotional crash is just part of it. I break down all of the time. I am just now getting to a place where I am strong enough not to do it in front of my W. The last time we had an emotional embrace, she told me that I didn't have to be so stoic. It was okay to cry. I still do my best to keep it away from her, though. One embarrassing note, my W walked out the door of our house the other day. As she was walking down our sidewalk, I turned around and start walking to my bedroom. I had an emotional moment and yelled "I love you" at the top of my lungs not thinking she could hear me. I turned around just in time to see her open the door back up, as she had forgotten something. I wonder if she heard me, but I guess it doesn't really matter. The point is, it is okay to let your emotions go in a time like that. You are doing an awesome job and are gaining self confidence by the day. It is okay to break down after a moment such as this one.
Keep it up FOBD. Proud of you, man.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
FOBD, You did GREAT man!! Its ok to feel bad after such a thing .... just don't wallow in it. You said the most important thing ... DB is working maybe .... but for certain it is making you feel better. That is a KEY benefit / side effect. Either way .... you'll be a better man for going through this. You can't control W ..... except by being the best FOBD that you can be.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
FOBD, I agree, you are definitely working the DB principles well! You might get a bit of a thaw-freeze cycle, if you do just roll with it. Spring is coming, the freezes will be fewer and further between.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
You did good bud. I think it is fine to initiate a hug if you want to. The distinction is that you are doing it as a gesture of giving (in control man), and not of needing (out of control man).
Also, asking her how she is doing financially is also a strong move, because it tells her you are successful and can provide if need be. Quite different from someone demanding or begging you for money and always giving it (they say jump...etc)
Processing your feelings in her absence is healthy. Just don't wallow in self pity for too long thereafter.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Well, reached out to W via texting last night. No response. Strike one...
I will try again in a couple of days, but I don't have much hope for this either. I guess I will have face the fact that I will have to see her next weekend at my brother's wedding and we will have some very serious awkwardness between the two of us.
I am getting very tired of being drug over a barrel. My emotions are torn and my mind is not at peace. This game is awful and I just can't understand how people can do this to each other. I am very tired emotionally. I just want this to be over one way or the other...
I am starting to believe that I can and will love another. Not all hope is lost in my life. I am thinking about changing my moniker to "Phoenix." I will rise from this.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I feel very similar to you man. I look at her pictures and think, how did WE get here? I could never have imagined that I would be here. Just curious FOBD, what was it that you texted her?
The reason you are very tired FOBD is because you are attaching expectations to all that things you do. You sent a text wanting her to respond. It did not happen so you are down.
She comes over and you are excited. She doesn't call and you are depressed.
I know it is hard.
Your emotions go from 1 to 10 very quickly.
Try to stay arund 5-6 to keep yourself from crashing so hard
