...the teacher appears

[sage]

Guys...hope you don't mind the height of laziness...I'm going to post part of an email I sent in an effort to update you all:

I've had a whirlwind 2.5 weeks...the funeral, etc, for h's grandmother went well...it was nice to reconnect with his family (extended) a bit. He has lots of aunts and uncles and they are all so interesting!

XMAS went well...I feel as though I am ready to reconnect with MY family as well...after more than a year of being somewhat distant. My mom made a christmas brunch and she put SO MUCH effort into it. This is dramatic...the woman who has only wondered what others can do for her for SO LONG really put herself out there. I started crying and we hugged for a long time. Since then, we've emailed a few times and we have plans for lunch (with one of my sisters) on 1/31/04. I AM very hopeful.

I also had the chance to see my dad and his family. that went well, too, but since we went away right after xmas I haven't talked to them. I need to be more motivated and proactive about getting in touch with them...for a few days there I felt like the QUEEN! My dad and stepmom and brother all seemed SO excited to have me back in their lives....I am very lucky.

h and I spent 4 days in NYC after xmas. it was a lot of fun. We saw "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" on Broadway which was excellent. We walked miles and miles each day...had a few lowkey dinners (in the past I would have pressed for a fancy dinner which would have cost too much $ and been unrelaxing for h but I've really embraced the simpler approach!). I worried a bit that we were TOO lowkey...I wondered if he might wish we had done something funkier (even if he wasn't motivated to initiate it himself!) but in the end it was simply a relaxing time.

NYE we stayed in Boston and did "First Night". It was also a lot of fun and we enjoyed each other's company...we both ate too much and we ended up going to sleep at like 12:04!

Throughout the early part of the break I was feeling VERY sad and scared...mainly when we got back from NYC. I just had so much anxiety feeling that h and ow were in contact. I can't explain it well...it was just this total conviction that they were back in touch...that something was going on...I was feeling SO exposed...SO sad...SO bummed. Finally, I broke down in front of h and we had an R talk...first one in a long time.

I told him that I had had this sense that he was still in touch with ow. He said that wasn't true....handled it beautifully actually...we talked a bit about how it ended for him and ow...we also talked a bit about how scared and sad I get. He said something like "I wonder if you will ever not feel sad or scared about this". I said I would feel whole again someday and he said "I know you HOPE that. I hope that too but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be better to split up...to endure the unbelievable pain up front so that things can get better." I asked him who he thought would benefit from that and he said "both of us".

That was hard and scary to hear. It wasn't "I want a D" by any stretch of the imagination...I think it was more "You are still in pain...one way to feel better eventually might be if we're not together".

I told him that I thought our love was special...that I would have left a long time ago if I didn't. He agreed on both counts.

I told him how hard it is for me to open up my heart to him...not just because of ow but because of how afraid I am of love. I asked him about some of the things that he had said during the bomb...in particular about how he wasn't cut out for m. He said that in some ways he still feels as though he'll end up alone...and that he might prefer that but that he knows that it could be just "the grass is greener" over there syndrome. He said that he feels as though he needs less affection than other people and that sometimes he feels too burdened being responsible for another's happiness. We talked about how I am responsible for my own happiness...not him...and that I thought that he was wonderfully affectionate and loving with me. We also talked a bit about M&V and how Gray says that some men feel as though there is something wrong with them or their R because they want alone time...

I also asked him about if he thought about WHY he had the a and how to prevent it in the future. He says he just doesn't know why it happened. And that he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. I told him that that worried me a great deal...

After the conversation he asked for a big hug. We had some food and watched TV and he said "I think that was a really good conversation". He also asked me if it was OK that we had just switched gears (to TV) so quickly. I said "absolutely".

The days following the talk have been pretty amazing. He's been incredibly loving and has been very physical with me (kissing me all the time, etc).

So...I cannot lie...some of the things that were said (split up now to offset future pain, antipates ultimately being alone, doesn't know why he had the affair, etc) scare the bejeepers out of me if I take them too literally. I cried in bed last night feeling as though I am in a m. with someone who doesn't want to be m. to me...BUT when I really look at it...I think I can see a GIANT positive here...one of my MAIN goals was enhancing intimacy in conversation with h...isn't that what happened? YES...some of the things said were TRULY scary...but he shared them with me....do you think that is a good thing?????

I think that my non-personalization of what he said was KEY to the aftermath...he really seemed so comfortable with me afterwards...like it was GREAT that he had shared himself and I hadn't recoiled in fear...I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into that, though. I have to KEEP myself thinking positively and not take his disclosures as a death sentence for US. this IS the way to greater intimacy, isn't it?

I really value your opinion!!!

So...now I'm back at work. I looked at the BB a bit this AM and I have to say that I'm not entirely sure how it fits into my life right now....I just feel SO demoralized and down when I read the sadness and pain there...and I start thinking "even though things look good NOW in my R are we doomed to this kind of pain...". Obviously...that kind of thinking is NOT HELPFUL. BUT, the flip side is that I WANT to give HELP to the BB...it helped me SO MUCH...I'm just not sure how to do that without losing my optimism for my R.

My overall goal right now is to figure out HOW to keep in a positive, gentle, open, loving state of mind without lapsing into pessimism and ASSumptions about my R and my h. Not just in reference to the BB but in general...HELP!

So that's my snapshot update! A bunch of wonderful times...a big scary but intimate R talk...more wonderful times ahead!

I have to admit that I debated taking out the paragraph about the BB...to expand on the thought, though, instead...I'm not sure how to fit the BB into perspective and my life right now...on the one hand, I've missed you all SO MUCH over the last few weeks...and I'm feeling totally overwhelmed but eager to catch up with all my old friends...on the other hand, though, as I was reading this morning I could feel SO MUCH sadness and pain over in Newcomers that I started feeling "doomed" myself...I'd read something on a thread and think "Maybe THAT'S what h REALLY meant" instead of the positive, optimistic, intimate picture I want to have. Finally (yes, the "third" hand)...I strongly feel the need to GIVE BACK to the board and to DB'ing in general...it was a lifeline and a lifesaver when I was in despair. I need to give that back.

So....I think I just need to figure out some boundaries/guidelines for myself....ways to keep myself from absorbing too much pain and applying it to my sitch while still being involved and giving back...

Sage