OK. Said I'd keep posting as I worked the plan and read the books.
In spite of that bummer of a surprise on our night out I did manage to stay calm, confident. I was positive and decisive for our kid-free day and a half, I spoke slowly and joked around. Made sure I looked good for a dinner event we went to Saturday, and gave W plenty of space. When W talked about her upcoming business trip abroad I listened as much as I could, then was honest saying "OK, let's talk about something else now." (I was to go on this trip for training but was sort of disinvited by W's boss for a bogus reason, and this is hurting my ability to do my job - so I can listen but it eventually makes me upset. Decided this is a boundary for me.)
Anyway, it was sort of a 180 for me. Avoided OR talk. Avoided anything too negative. And I have to admit it sort of worked in little ways. W was more affectionate than usual. Though it is REALLY up and down, hot and cold. SHe seems to be struggling with "what she wants" in life and "what is important". And she seems to want everything both ways, having trouble making decisions. Odd.
I am really struggling with W's trip. And I REALLY need to smile and send her off without getting needy or asking for reassurance. I've decided to do this and I need to follow through. It will be a hard enough week with the kids.
Re-read NMMNG by D. Glover, which is resonating with me a lot lately. But while the tips are helpful and I understand my tendencies I'm starting to doubt that I will really get over it and not feel this way. Whether it is something for childhood (as the book suggests) or something in the wiring (genetic, etc.) I wonder if this will always be a daily struggle, like I'll project confidence and calm about my M but be all knotted up inside. Honestly, maybe this is how men who feel their Ws are beautiful feel - unsettled and a bit worried by the attention from other men.
Realizing that I have no point of reference for what is "normal" in this case. Therapist says my reaction is entirely normal, maybe even understated and that most Hs he's met would have a lot of trouble with my situation. Says I've handled it very well. (Of course, it certainly did a number on me and my M, so I guess "handled it well" is relative.
