That little engine that will ...

[MeMyselfandI]

Thanks Courageous. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment and have prepared myself mentally for him to possibly go back and fourth with OW for a while; however I do believe that he will be very careful with the kids now. This will certainly not do well for any type of relationship to continue between him and OW.

I did end up getting a text from H yesterday late in the afternoon asking how the day was going. We texted back and fourth a couple of times, (flirty and joking) and then I stopped responding. We were both at work so it was easy to just back off as he would figure I just got busy.

Didn't hear from him last night at all. I know I'm confused and I'm not MLC so I can imagine how he is feeling. One thing he did say to me was that he had wanted to be with me again for a long time.

Today is a new day, stick to my plans. One thing I didn't mention that happened Monday prior to all the rest of the things that went on but I had posted elsewhere is below:

Well, so far the day has gone pretty well. I just have to share my chuckle for the day. So, today at lunch, I went to the track for my mid-day walk. Towards the end of my walk, I was coming around a corner where there are a whole bunch of windows looking to the outside and I saw H's vehicle driving down the street (obviously on his way back to work).

At that point, it dawned on me that he drives by there every day to go home for lunch. I had never realized it, but I'm always there a few minutes early and leave a few minutes late so he must have a daily reminder of me, (albeit maybe only as brief as he sees my vehicle in the parking lot) but at least for that fraction of a second, I'm sure I cross his mind. The funniest part of that chance sighting of his vehicle is the song that was playing on my ipod ... Taylor Swift's "Picture to Burn".

Must admit, I had a little grin for my remaining 3 laps ... feeling a little evil today I guess LOL.

[MeMyselfandI]

Just another update/journalling I guess. H and I got into texting again yesterday afternoon. I sent him a text to double check that he was still ok to take the kids this Friday for a sleepover while I go out. He writes back and as it turns out, he's actually going to watch them at my place instead b/c they are scheduled to go back to his place on Sunday, we agreed that it didn't make sense for them to go to his place Friday, sleepover, come back to my place Saturday and go back to him Sunday. So, his last text on this issue says:

OK, and just to confirm I'm coming over while you go on a date and get lucky? Odd...

I didn't realize I hadn't told him who I was going out with, just that I had plans. So, that text led into another long flirty exchange. He was in a meeting and said he wasn't able to concentrate on anything LOL.

H and I are starting to build a friendship again and I'm moving with caution. I'll wait to see what Friday holds. I'm really looking forward to going out and have no expectations of what might happen when I get home because it'll all depend on how I FEEL AND WHAT I DECIDE TO DO AND WHAT I WANT!

[MeMyselfandI]

Just posting to journal/update. D called H last night and told me he was sleeping on the couch, wasn't feeling well. I think we are both coming down with the same thing and likely the 4 am night didn't help either one of us. Anyway, lots of communication today and some joking but not much flirting like the last couple of days. I admit to pulling back a bit and interestingly, he seemed to follow my lead. Anyway, most of the communication today was business things that we needed to get squared away and for a change, I had everything in order and ready for him to help with tax forms, etc. that we needed. I had gone to meet with accountant a while back just to make sure I had my ducks in a row so to speak and made copies of everything for H so he was also ready when tax time came. H always looked after this stuff so it certainly made things easy for him as with this being the first time we were filing separately, he didn't really know what forms and stuff were needed. H ended up coming by the house to sign off on the stuff he needed to sign. I had copies prepared for both of us and all sorted out so all he had to do was sign and he was good to go.

He thanked me, talked to D for a bit and I puttered around, setting my coffee for the morning, etc. He said good-bye to me and D, see ya tomorrow and went outside and visited S who was playing out there for a few minutes then he was off.

So, aside from feeling that I need to climb into bed early with some meds to try to lick this sickness before tomorrow, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Contact steady, last couple of days pretty heated and I think a cool off day today was just what the doctor ordered. I have given a passing thought that he may be teedering on another stint with OW but I can't control it if he does and if he does, it's something he needs to do to go through his process and I won't slow it down. In fact, I will not react at all aside from maybe a joke about the fact that I guess we can't be friends with benefits right now than LOL. One thing I should mention is that he tried to tell me he never slept with the OW and I laughed at him and told him I didn't need details on his intimate life. In the grand scheme of things, whether he did or didn't is really rather irrelevant to me.

[courageous wife]

Hi MMI

I think it sounds like you are doing well.

I am no where near any kind of piecing with my H but am following along and cheering for you!

You might want to check out GoodAttitude girls thread "itty bitty baby steps". She is D'd from her H but they have slowly been building a friendship again.

Hope you get to feeling better!

[MeMyselfandI]

Another update. So, Friday during the day there was a fair amount of communication. Mostly business/kid type stuff. One thing I found interesting is, the kids have another out of town hockey tournament coming up the start of April. I had been waiting for H to book his flight as I needed to link the kids flights back home to him as I am not travelling back with them but carrying on to Mexico. He was stalling and kept telling me that he wasn't sure when he was going down yet and I had figured it was because he was planning to go early with OW to have a little vacation out of the trip as it is in/near her hometown and they both have family there. Well, clear out of the blue Friday morning, I get his booking and he has booked on exactly the same flight down as I told him the kids and I were taking. Not reading too much but found it interesting. Who knows, maybe to save money we'll end up sharing a hotel room and rental car ... but I'm not gonna bring it up that's for sure!

So, on to Friday night. Went out with the girls and had a great time. Ended up staying about 1/2 hour later than I anticipated and sent H a text just to make sure that was ok with him as he was at my place with the kids. It was. When I got home, he was sitting on the couch and looked a little bewildered. I said hi, asked how the kids were, just small talk. We chatted for about 5 - 10 minutes and he was off seeming kind of uncomfortable. That was around 1 am.

I climbed into bed and didn't really give it much more thought and off to sleep I went. I woke up at about 5 am to use the facilities and noticed I had a text. It was from H sent at 2 am.

H: Sorry, I didn't know what you had planned for tonight and I got scared.

5 am, I write back:

M: Lol... I have no expectations of u ... If we have some fun every now and again... So be it, That's it, that's all.

I can't put the rest of the conversation here as much of it is pretty x-rated so I'll just give you the jist. I basically take all pressure off and put it down as just two consenting adults doing what feels right for the time being. I go on to say I only have a couple of ground rules - 1 is that the kids can't know and 2 is protection. He goes on to say how long and how bad he has wanted to be with me but that he needs to be sure that he's not leading me on to getting back together. I assure him that's not the case, it's a friends with benefits situation for now and I don't want to even discuss R. A few more heated texts and he asks if he can come over but I turn him down because of time. Say it's too risky as kids may wake up. He's slightly disappointed but says he'll go to sleep thinking and dreaming about me.

So, here are just some thoughts from me based upon where I'm at right now. First, sex was an issue for him, particularly after the kids came along. The ususal pitfalls that come with that but I know it's something that is very important to him. Now that the kids are a little older, and let's be honest, I have needs to, I don't see any harm with the friends with benefits as long as I don't have expectations - which I don't, just needs right now LOL.

He seems to be feeling very uncomfortable and vulnerable right now and I think I need to be the lighthouse. He is also seeming pretty depressed and I think supporting him with absolutely no pressure at this time is what I need to do, not only for him, but for me also.

So, plans. I will continue to follow his lead with the flirting, etc. but only as long as it feels right. I will hold back from time to time as well ... steady does it. I'm getting a pretty good sense of when to pull back and will follow my instincts in that area. I'm heading out of town on Monday for 10 days and will not initiate contact with him while I'm gone but just let him float out there for a while. I think the timing for this little trip is perfect.

Also will be continuing with my exercise and personal goals and won't let those slide.

I have to say that having some intimacy/passion back after the bitter rough road we have been on for the last year does feel good. If there is anyone out there who has had similar experience I would love to hear from you.

[MeMyselfandI]

Just updating. Didn't hear from H last night and wasn't surprised. We did have a couple of exchanges during the day, just logistics and stuff. Well, this morning, I get a text from him.

H: Sorry, I fell asleep at 10 last night. Do you maybe need to go to the store this morning? Stop over for a quick one?

I was taking my time in responding and a second one comes in - x-rated. I finally responded and of course, it lead to another long heated text exchange. I did not end up going over as I had things going on. At the end of the exchanges, he tells me now he'll have 10 days to be thinking about me.

Well, gotta finish my housework and get ready for soccer. I'm sticking to my "being on the track" plan when he arrives and "staying on the track" till he leaves. Will have all the kids stuff in my van and let him know that he can take it from there. Will update later.

[MeMyselfandI]

Another update. Went to soccer and as planned, was on the track when H arrived. It was a good game, noticed H several times looking up to the track. He was so obvious sometimes I had to chuckle ... head completely cocked behind him while everyone else watches the game. It was like watching people in a tennis match where everyone follows the ball ... the one person who doesn't really stands out LOL.

Waited for a couple of minutes after the game to go downstairs and S came pulling on my arm saying Daddy wants you. He then, pushed me from behind almost throwing me into H who was standing talking to his friend who we both know fairly well. I tell H I have all the kids stuff in the van and can pull it over to his vehicle to unload. He responds saying dogs too? I say of course not, does he want to come and get the dogs now and he says sure. I tell him I also have some milk, chocolate milk, cooked taco meat and a few other things to send over 'cause they'll just go bad otherwise. He thanks me and jokes that he now doesn't have to cook dinner tonight to which his friend comments "sweet". Anyway, tell him and the kids I'll see them in a few minutes.

I get home and get everything ready to send over. D comes in and takes food stuff while H unloads everything from my van out front. He then comes in the garage and S has gone to his room to get his gerbil ... he wants to take it to dad's. I explain that he can't take the gerbil, it's too cold out and it will kill the gerbil if he tries to trasport him now. I then suggest to H that he can bring the kids over every few days to check on them to make them feel better.

H then says his vehicle if full and he can't take the dogs right now, he'll be back in a few minutes for them, (he doesn't live far from me). I say ok. H takes kids and supplies home and comes back for dogs. I'm in garage when he comes in and he asks about a couple of logistical things. I responded still going about what I was doing. He then goes on about my vehicle leaking some stuff on the garage floor and wonders if the dogs ever get into it. I explain the van is usually in there so they can't. He asks what time I get back on the 17th and I say I don't recall exactly but the kids can certainly come to my place after school as I'm supposed to be home early afternoon. He suggests he'll just stick with them staying with him till after work in case I'm delayed. He then says, ok, have a good trip.

OK, lots of babble here but that's exactly what it was. It was like he wanted to say/do more but was "scared and uncomfortable". He is really uneasy around me and I think it's because I haven't veered from my plans. I have continued to show confidence, I have continued to act "as if" and I have continued with a PMA and I have continued with no pressure. Sure, I think it's intimidating and scaring him, but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing and I think he will eventually open up and tell me that.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I do have one expectation tonight and that is, I will get a text from him after the kids have gone to bed. I know expectations are bad and I'm certainly not going to hold my breath till it comes but I do predict it will and I promise I won't be disappointed if it doesn't.

[MeMyselfandI]

LOL, well that didn't take long, just got a call from H. He just received the schedule for the upcoming out of town kid's hockey tournament and wanted to double check what flights I had booked on. WTF, I only booked on Friday and told him we were on the same flights as him. Anyway, I responded nicely with the information and asked him if he could forward me the schedule to which he responded he would, once he could get on the computer, (in other words, the kids were tying up the computer). I said ok, thank you. He hesitated for a long pause like he was wanting to say something or waiting for me to say something, then he finally said good bye.

He is trying to communicate, he has so much confusion I'm sure and he is simply terrified. He needs to figure this out on his own. I can't do it for him. Part of me wants so bad to send him a text and ask him if he is ok but I'm going to avoid that temptation. I'm going to go and do something else to keep myself busy. Maybe a little happy nap is in order.

[courageous wife]

Maybe a little happy nap is in order.

Sounds great!

The text exchange between you and your H earlier today made me blush!

It does sound like your H wants to communicate some...just keep doing what you are doing...

[MeMyselfandI]

Well, arrived at destination yesterday safely, a few hours of flying, a couple of hours of airports and a two hour time change ... no worse for the wear. So, a quick update from me.

Did not hear from H on Sunday night; however I was receiving texts from D up until 11 pm so I'm guessing he fell asleep before the kids. Before I left Monday morning, I realized the kids had left a couple of school items that I wasn't sure if they were going to need this week so I dropped them in H's vehicle on my way to the airport. When I got to the airport, I sent him a text just to let him know and he responded thanking me and telling me again to have a good trip. We texted back and forth a few times before I got on the plane and he sent me the schedule for the kid's hockey tournament.

When I arrived at my stopover, I turned my phone on and found H had sent a text asking if I wanted to "share a vehicle" for the kid's hockey tourney to save a bit of money. Hmm, wonder if the "sharing a hotel room" is coming next LOL. Anyway, I agreed and joked only if I could drive. We joked back and forth a few times and then I was on the plane again.

I was busy from the minute I landed, out for dinner, up to the gym, etc. Haven't heard from H since I arrived but I know the kids had hockey last night and I was getting late texts from D late last night again. We'll see what today brings. Working away, getting lots accomplished.