But I'm remembering the pain is not there to hurt me. It is there to make me more aware.
What my pain is making me aware of is that I am creating it myself.
The past couple of hours I have been thinking how hopeless my situation is, how virtually impossible it will be for my wife to ever agree to let me come back into the U.S. and spend more time with her.
I keep thinking that without even the opportunity to ever go and visit her, I do not have a hope in hell of having a committed relationship with her ever again.
I am thinking she will undoubtedly find someone else who does not have all these problems with immigration that I am having.
But I am also seeing that I am worrying about things that have not happened yet.
Even if they are 95% likely to happen, there is a chance that they will not. If the bad things I am thinking of don't happen, then I will have been causing myself unnecessary pain and suffering.
And if the bad things do happen, I can simply deal with my feelings as I am doing now.
Accepting them. Eliminating them. And moving on.
It is my wife's birthday tomorrow and I am feeling melancholy that I cannot be there with her.
But it is more respectful of myself to focus on all the love and times and touches we have shared, and the fact that she will always be my friend.
It is more honorable towards myself to focus on becoming the kind of man I really want to be - the kind of man who has become so irresistibly attractive to my wife that I am 100% certain she will find a way to come to me if I cannot come to her.
The kind of man who is 100% certain that the next time we meet in person - yes, I have no doubt that even if takes years there will be a time when the two of us are along again...
And when that time finally arrives I have no doubt we will finally come together in the ways that both of us have always wanted.
I am certain that even if she sleeps with another man after our divorce, she will once again want to sleep with me at some point in the future, and with my confidence fully restored from having invested so much time in truly taking care of myself and living extraordinarily well...
I will not fear.
I will lead. Not follow. I will create. Not destroy. I will believe. Not doubt. I will defy the odds. I will set a new standard. And my Love and I will prevail.
I love you L----.
I am thinking of you a lot this evening.
And while I wish I could hold you in my arms, I do indeed have you in my heart.
Your ever-lovin' husband,
Michael
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
