back again from piecing, H says sex attraction gon

[canadianMrs.]

Here I thought we were working on things. WAH really seemed to be trying to be nicer, helping around the house, the tension was gone, we started counselling. He's always talked about about how out love was at a real low for him (and I agreed, I just didn't think it was terminal from the get go)
Today it came out that he has been using the word love for attraction, he his sexual attraction to me has been declining for years; since we had kids. Right now he has no interst.
I wouldn't say I'm in the best shape of my life, but people tell me I'm attractive. I try to watch my weight, eat healthy , keep up with fashion etc but hey, I have had 3 kids! I just don't know what to do with this news. Is this where I give up?

[Queen_of_Swords]

I don't believe it's time to give up.
Time to use the right words for the right things though.
Sexual attraction begins in the brain, there is a lot you can do to turn that around that don't involve dressing like Britney Spears. Mae West wasn't exactly beautiful.
The biggest sexual attractant out there, is self confidence and love of your own body.

[dbmod]

^

[27YearsandOut]

[quote=Scylla_Charibdis
The biggest sexual attractant out there, is self confidence and love of your own body. [/quote]

This ^. My wife is is extremely attractive, looks 35 instead of 45, and is slim and has a body men stare at and women are jealous of. Everywhere we go, men stare. YET, she is increasingly critical of herself and her body. Her self confidence is extremely low right now - and I have to agree, there is nothing less sexy than a woman with low self esteem. Don't fall into that trap!

Believe me, I know how hard it is to feel confident and secure with yourself right now - but FAKE it if you must. And yes, I know it sounds easy and is really a struggle. But I think you can do it. If worse comes to worst - OTHER men will notice. Good Luck!

[wanda15]

I agree with SC. sexually attraction comes within you.. If you are feeling low about yourself then your H will too. I have been through this with my H. The more confident I am with myself the more he wanted me. Take a good look at what you are thinking and feeling about YOU. It makes a huge difference.

Don't get me wrong here...most of the time I fail at this, I just know there is a difference when I am happy with myself.

[Queen_of_Swords]

If you are feeling you don't like yourself very much. I suggest you watch "How to look good naked" with Gok Wan. You can learn to do what he does.

Every woman may have features she dislikes , every woman does have features that are outstanding. Play those outstanding features up and the other stuff falls into the background. Then work it, honey!

That's the easy part ( packaging) that makes the harder part ( confidence and sexual attraction) shine through.

[Still learning]

My W had three kids too.

And I agree - charisma comes from within. My wife grows more beautiful every year because she is more self aware, more confident, and has developed a particular style. What makes her beautiful - she smiles, jokes around, asserts her opinion. Guys absolutely eat it up (which causes many of my issues, that's another thread). It's very attractive and sometimes SCARY for me! She has lots of features she doesn't like - and for a few years after kid #3 she wasn't happy about her weight - I heard about it all the time. But it's like saying a Ferrari doesn't get good gas mileage and has a truck that's too small for your luggage. It's a Ferrari!! Classic Ferrari's - who like my W have a little grey hair - are even more beautiful.

Now I shouldn't be offering any advice about how to become more confident - that's my struggle as well, and my thread would show that I have a LONG way to go - but I would think a 180 that makes you feel better about you would catch his attention.

[canadianMrs.]

Thank you all. 27 years, my BIL told me the same thing about others. The last few years I have been sad; loss of people close to me, being away from family and H and I becoming more and more disconnected.
When I first started DB I was trying to fake it, but I guess this news got my guard down. I will put it back up.
Thank you again.

[seeking answers]

canadianMrs,

Is it possible that this is an excuse your H is using because he is having issues of his own?

[canadianMrs.]

Seeking answers, I talked to my coach yesterday and she came to the same conclusion, maybe LDS. On a side note, I realized with her help and more on my own today, that there might be hope for us than I thought. I keep listening to his words, but not always seeing what he is doing. If I was to ask about our future, he would be pessimistic; saying he doesn't think our marriage can be fixed, not sure if he wants to, not sure MC will help etc. However, he signed our son up for summer hockey (orginal plan was for us to separate in June, and I was moving back to our home town with the kids) He is trying really hard to keep in touch with me through out the day, and when I tell him something is bothering me, he usually tries to change his behavior right away. He has done anything I have asked of him, and he has offered to do even more. This is all in the last couple of weeks. He went out tonight with some of his friends and I was worried about it; having trust issues with him. He was great, he let me tell him my fears (the old me would have worried in silence) and he said I was free to come check up on him or call him as many times as I need. I'm sure everyone knows how easy it is to get caught up in how long this journey has been, and how much more there could be,and not knowing the end. I obviously could see the changes, but I was still so focused on his words, and what still has to be fixed.
When I first started DB, I was always muttering in my head the "Don't listen to anything they say..." Obviously I forgot that along the way. Hopefully the changes are a sign of more to come. Today is a good day...sending the same vibes to everyone else...