......are these itty bitty baby steps?

[goodattitudegirl]

Thank you Mila, CW, Seeking, Missher, Sanderika, and Cas for your feedback on my thread.

Wednesday evening at dinner XH told me his mother had lost 23 pounds since her hospitalization 6 weeks ago and she is not eating these days, so I decided to go to X-MIL's on the way home from work yesterday to see if I could coax her to eat something. She hardly ate anything even though I brought some of her favorites and tried to spoon feed her for 1 1/2 hours. She has a weak, wet-sounding cough (a congestive heart failure cough). I recognize the signs and I am expecting X-MIL to pass in the next 2-3 weeks if nothing significant changes. I am going shopping for a new black dress this weekend. I don't think XH would agree to a feeding tube because she has so many other health problems. This decision-making process will remind him of when his family had to make the terrible decision to discontinue his twin sister's life support.

IMO, as his Mother's death nears you will see a variety of emotions in XH. .......it took a huge toll on us all and was a huge factor in the demise of our marriage so when I say he will experience many emotions I am very serious. I wish I had been more supportive, you can learn from me in this way. It's a case of "If I only knew then what I know now"...well things would be very different.

I understand what you're saying Sanderika. My previous 8 year R took a big nosedive after our dog died. Losing a mother with this much baggage is much more significant. I would really value your feedback on how to interact in this situation. I have begun initiating contact with XH about his mother, offering my services, not telling him what to do. I've stepped things up a bit because I'm pretty sure the end is near and this is what I would do for a good friend, so this constitutes a change from my waiting for XH to initiate over the past couple months. I don't think XH knows how close his mother is to death. He seems appreciative and yesterday replied to ask me to pick up her favorite frozen yogurt. Also told me he was spending friday evening with a male childhood friend (interesting he added that).

Now, my responses to your earlier posts:

Mila and Cas, yes! We can't know why our WAS's are moody when they're bumping around inside their tunnels. These days XH seems to be projecting his anger at others, especially his sister.

Seeking, yes I think my XH is still depressed and has been since before I met him. His depression is flaring now because of his mother's declining health, but I think he's had chronic depression because he's always used serial dating (before and after me) and a busy, busy social schedule as a way to elevate his mood.

You really are becoming a stable fixture in his life, someone he can count on, someone that supports him,........... someone that he is safe with,......someone that does not pressure him,............someone that still loves him.

Missher, thanks for checking in and for your encouragement. I think that XH is beginning to notice these things.

CW, you made me laugh!!!!!!! Get your mind out of the gutter girl. Seriously, having XH change clothes in front of me and seeing how it affected me to see those body parts was an important lesson for me. I had been feeling no genuine physical attraction to XH since last summer, but it was amazing how that little "strip show" keeps replaying in my mind. It tells me that we never know when a show of skin, or a certain look or movement might catch our WAS's eyes and could reignite a spark inside THEM.

For your XH to change his clothes IN FRONT OF YOU is absolutely a gigantic event. This proves he is relaxed and comfortable with you.

Sanderika, I agree with you on this. It shows me that XH feels less need to be "faithful" to GF#2, which is another clue that she may not be around anymore. I looked at her FB page about 5 weeks ago (around the time of X-MIL's birthday) and it was totally different. Before there were lots of photos of her (I think some were from their vacay together) and one of her and XH. These were all gone. Nothing was there.........since XH seems not to be "chaste" for GF#2 any more, it very well could be time to try a kiss again. I presume that you meant a kiss on the cheek, right? I don't think it's time for a lip kiss given X-MIL's poor health.

Perhaps originally Mr GAG was responding warmly because in his mind it was a way to keep the door open just in case. Now, perhaps, with the regular TT and other meetings along the way Mr GAG has placed you in the initiator role which has enabled him to relax a little more, knowing that the opened door is not reliant on his written communication but can be supported by personal interactions.

Cas, that's very insightful and a good possibility.

GAG