That little engine that will ...

[MeMyselfandI]

Another update. So, Friday during the day there was a fair amount of communication. Mostly business/kid type stuff. One thing I found interesting is, the kids have another out of town hockey tournament coming up the start of April. I had been waiting for H to book his flight as I needed to link the kids flights back home to him as I am not travelling back with them but carrying on to Mexico. He was stalling and kept telling me that he wasn't sure when he was going down yet and I had figured it was because he was planning to go early with OW to have a little vacation out of the trip as it is in/near her hometown and they both have family there. Well, clear out of the blue Friday morning, I get his booking and he has booked on exactly the same flight down as I told him the kids and I were taking. Not reading too much but found it interesting. Who knows, maybe to save money we'll end up sharing a hotel room and rental car ... but I'm not gonna bring it up that's for sure!

So, on to Friday night. Went out with the girls and had a great time. Ended up staying about 1/2 hour later than I anticipated and sent H a text just to make sure that was ok with him as he was at my place with the kids. It was. When I got home, he was sitting on the couch and looked a little bewildered. I said hi, asked how the kids were, just small talk. We chatted for about 5 - 10 minutes and he was off seeming kind of uncomfortable. That was around 1 am.

I climbed into bed and didn't really give it much more thought and off to sleep I went. I woke up at about 5 am to use the facilities and noticed I had a text. It was from H sent at 2 am.

H: Sorry, I didn't know what you had planned for tonight and I got scared.

5 am, I write back:

M: Lol... I have no expectations of u ... If we have some fun every now and again... So be it, That's it, that's all.

I can't put the rest of the conversation here as much of it is pretty x-rated so I'll just give you the jist. I basically take all pressure off and put it down as just two consenting adults doing what feels right for the time being. I go on to say I only have a couple of ground rules - 1 is that the kids can't know and 2 is protection. He goes on to say how long and how bad he has wanted to be with me but that he needs to be sure that he's not leading me on to getting back together. I assure him that's not the case, it's a friends with benefits situation for now and I don't want to even discuss R. A few more heated texts and he asks if he can come over but I turn him down because of time. Say it's too risky as kids may wake up. He's slightly disappointed but says he'll go to sleep thinking and dreaming about me.

So, here are just some thoughts from me based upon where I'm at right now. First, sex was an issue for him, particularly after the kids came along. The ususal pitfalls that come with that but I know it's something that is very important to him. Now that the kids are a little older, and let's be honest, I have needs to, I don't see any harm with the friends with benefits as long as I don't have expectations - which I don't, just needs right now LOL.

He seems to be feeling very uncomfortable and vulnerable right now and I think I need to be the lighthouse. He is also seeming pretty depressed and I think supporting him with absolutely no pressure at this time is what I need to do, not only for him, but for me also.

So, plans. I will continue to follow his lead with the flirting, etc. but only as long as it feels right. I will hold back from time to time as well ... steady does it. I'm getting a pretty good sense of when to pull back and will follow my instincts in that area. I'm heading out of town on Monday for 10 days and will not initiate contact with him while I'm gone but just let him float out there for a while. I think the timing for this little trip is perfect.

Also will be continuing with my exercise and personal goals and won't let those slide.

I have to say that having some intimacy/passion back after the bitter rough road we have been on for the last year does feel good. If there is anyone out there who has had similar experience I would love to hear from you.