When H & I first split, he continually questioned the kids "What did I say about him?" They told him I told them he loved them, and was just lost right now, and needed their support. It enraged him. He WANTED me to bad mouth him. Took some of the guilt off of his shoulders, I suppose.
Later on, he told my DIL, "I don't want you to hate (me)" and she replied "Why should we, she didn't do anything".
What H is really angry about is the money. He told me that even though I told him I would not take him to the cleaners he always knew I would. I told him I was sorry that he felt that me getting half of what we have right now was taking him to the cleaners...
He really is off his rocker if he thinks I'm going to sit back after he filed for D while he and ow live the high life. I've financed their trips, remodeling, and weekend shopping for over a year now. Now, it's come down to push vs. shove and I'm not getting shoved anymore.
H has had it his way for 17 months now. He filed and I had no choice but either to protect myself and kids or not. I choose to protect us.
In his spew H accused me of trying to get even for him leaving by taking 'his' money. He said, that I would never get even! I calmly told H that he was right, I could never get even for what he has done.
Not the best DBing, but hey, I did validate what he was saying.
What I meant by saying that is that the money that I was getting was temporary. It would be little in comparison to what we would have had by staying married. Later, I realized that H may have thought I meant getting even for the damage he has caused. Hey, that shoe fits too, so it doesn't really matter. It's been said and it's done.
I think sometmes DBing has to take a back seat. When your spouse has left you, is living with another, and trying to deny you basic legal rights to property it is necessary to state our position.
Interestingly, they do take it in, in a weird way. Not at the time, but later on they will admit the truth of our words.
Dbing can work, imo, on people who are emotionally firing on all cylinders. It is a good approach to treating others, but where people are really off beam, sometimes we have to say it as it is, just as we would to our children and friends,
You are doing well. The strength and grace of so many people on these boards is inspirational
Dbing can work, imo, on people who are emotionally firing on all cylinders. It is a good approach to treating others, but where people are really off beam, sometimes we have to say it as it is, just as we would to our children and friends
Beatrice, I think you are so right in this statement. DBing has helped in so many of my Rs. It is now a way of communicating and seeing things differently than I sometimes did before.
With MLCers depending on where they are in the tunnel, I don't think it matters much. He definitely isn't firing on all emotional cylinders. At one time his children and I, were the most important things in his life. Now, throwing us under the bus sounds like a good option to him if it gets him what he thinks he wants and deserves, because after all, he's been so miserable since he married and had children with me, it's his turn to be happy. Whatever...
He definitely isn't firing on all emotional cylinders. At one time his children and I, were the most important things in his life. Now, throwing us under the bus sounds like a good option to him if it gets him what he thinks he wants and deserves, because after all, he's been so miserable since he married and had children with me, it's his turn to be happy. Whatever...
I know that feeling so well. I often think my now xh just wishes I didn't exist. He would be richer, and not have to deal with all those difficult emotions.
This feeling of entitlement is weird. I have a good friend who had a MLC and has sorted himself out. He says he felt trapped by the choices he and his wife had made, and resentful. This entitled him, in his view at the time, to have an affair. It was both an escape and a punishment of his wife ane family. I don't think there is discussion of the fact that our spouses are punishing us for how they feel. it isn't just anger at themselves. They are angry with us and want to hurt us in the most painful ways they can - an affair, and ideally reducing us to poverty. Perhaps not all of them, but many MLCers seem to do this.
NOW he sees it was a huge mistake. His wife didn't DB at all. Kicked him out, and got on with her life. Interestingly he wants his marriage back, and would do anything, but she doesn't.
