Sitting at home with myself.

[Navyguy]

Major backslide tonight...too many people here telling me what to do and the emotion of leaving the kids again got to me...

Asked W to talk tonight. Started off ok, with some talk about what I'd be willing to do if she came back...then asked her about what her plan is if she decides not to come back, specifically with regards to our kids. Then I Told her that I need to be a dad to our kids and that being 2000 miles apart like this is killing me. I told her that I'd get out of the navy and move to Colorado in a heartbeat if I could, but right now I owe another 3 years and I'm stuck in DC.

She told me she knows the situation and that she's not trying to keep me from the kids, and I responded that it feels to me like that is what's happening.

She said that she has already sacrificed so much and put her life on hold or me that she can't do that anymore. I asked her what shed be sacrificing, if she were to come back and us be separated, and she said shed just be so unhappy.

Then we talked about how she needs space...she said she hasn't had any time to think and has been constantly bombarded with emails and phone calls from people worried about us. She feels like she's being made into the bad guy because she left and doesnt want to tell people all the bad things I've done to her in order to protect my reputation. I said that I don't care about my reputation.

Then I brought up how she askde the other night how I was doing. She had heard things were hard on me and that I am really having a hard time in the weekends. The other night i told her that im doing ok and that work is going fine. Tonight i I told her it's not just the weekends...and that I'm trying to be strong but this situation is just consuming me and it's all I think about...I am a mess a work and everything in my life is a wreck. This just made her upset.

Then I asked if it would help her if I take the kids back to dc. She said "now you want to take the kids", I said no, just asked to see if it would help you and I think it would help me give you the space you want. At this point she was really upset and asked me to get out of the car (we were parked in my parents driveway), so I did.

$&@#. What have I done.