Buffalo

[Denver_2010]

Thanks everyone for the continued support! Hope! It is so nice to hear from you. We were starting to get worried about you!

Update:

Today was a very good day bw W and I ... but we, or maybe it was just me.. but we did face several challenges.

First, I think that everyone is tired. I has 3 hours of sleep the night before I flew out here, and then got only another 3 last night. W, MIL, SIL, niece and SS have been here the extra night, but you can tell that they are all tired from lack of sleep and the trip in general. BTW, SIL is pregnant and MIL has an injured back, so W had to carry everyone's luggage around during their trip out here and then up the stairs to the bedrooms (as I was not here yet).

As I've probably said before, SS is very challenging for anyone trying to get him to comply with rules or directions... especially if I am not present. This has been an additional stress on everyone.

My niece is only 2 years old... cute as hell, but ... well, she's 2!

So W's grandma's funeral was today. It went very smoothly. As it began, W and I sat down. W immediately moved in very close to me and I put my arm around her. We sat like that for the entire funeral. At one point she began to cry (it was a funeral) and I was able to comfort her as best I could.

She didn't seem to have any problems introducing me to her family members as her H. We are both wearing our wedding rings. We went and ate with everyone after the funeral. I was cheerful and carried on conversation with everyone that I met. I focused on showing genuine interest in meeting her family... this is a 180 for me as I have always had very little interest in this... And the difference is... that now I really do have an interest in sharing this with my W... I see that it is part of sharing our lives with one another. She has always been good at it... me... not so much.

Driving back to the house was where I was first challenged. They rented a mini van with 3 rows of seating. I was in second row with niece... W was in the 3rd row with SS. It was a quiet ride bc everyone was really tired. W received a text and began having a text convo with someone.

I began to feel anger inside of me... I began assuming that it was OM texting her. I texted a friend of mine about my feelings. I was wisely advised not to worry about it, that I was assuming things, and that it didn't matter that much anyway bc I am the one that is here in Buffalo with W ... not OM.

It took me a good hour or so to get over this feeling... and during that time, I was able to act 'as if' nothing was wrong with me. I don't think that W caught on that I was mad.

My anger really boils down to just being impatient. I want the OM deal to be put to rest so that I don't have to feel paranoid and feel like I'm looking over my shoulder all of the time.

So we got back to the house... W and I went outside so she could smoke. It was raining so I held an umbrella for her. We hung out at the house for a while with SIL and MIL ... I watched a movie with niece and SS went to play with a kid who lives next door.

In the evening, we all went to dinner. I didn't say anything, but I gave my credit card to the waitress and paid for everyone's dinner and drinks.

After we got back to the house from dinner, W, SS and myself went out to look for a liquor store. W and I planned to stay up and have a drink. Funny... Buffalo's liquor stores are few and far bw and they close early. Anyway, we bought some beer at a Walgreens ... yes, a Walgreens!

During the trip, SS began to have attitude with both of us and especially W. He refused to follow her or my directions. By the time that we got home, SS was mad at both W and myself.

Before W left me, this would have been a situation where I would have become so frustrated and angry that I would have lashed out at SS ... I have always felt a need to protect my W from the problems that SS causes for her. Usually, my efforts result in W and I arguing bc of the stress that it causes us.

I was able to address this issue completely different tonight. I let W handle it and then later talked with SS about how I was disappointed in his behavior. By the end of the night, he was hugging me and calmed down.

W and I stayed up for about 2 hours talking about M/R. Nothing really new here. W is still concerned that things bw us will revert back to how they were before. I repeated much of what I have already told her, but also told her that I don't want her to come back to me bc I have talked her into it. I want her to come back bc she sees that I have changed and believes that things CAN be different. I told her that I want to show her by my actions that things will be different, but that I can't do that unless she gives me the chance.

W volunteered that OM has texted her while I've been here. That he is 'not doing well' with me being here with her. That he tells her that he wants her to be happy and that if working things out with me is what will do that, then that is what he wants. But she also admitted that she knows that anything he says is swayed by his feelings for her.

I repeated what I did last night.... I rubbed her back and ran my hand through her hair until she went to sleep. At one point, I asked her if she remembered on our honeymoon me telling her with tears in my eyes how proud and happy I was that she was my W. She said that she did. I told her that that is how I have always felt, do now more so than ever, and explained to her just how sorry that I am that I ever made her feel differently... how sorry that I am that I didn't continue to show her just how proud and happy that I am that she is my W.

After she went to sleep, I noticed that she had 2 text messages from OM on her phone that will go unanswered until tomorrow.... I am going to bed smiling.

BITS
Denver