Sage,

I've been unable to post much for about two weeks, and today found myself with some time. Thank you so much for your posts. I feel like I could have written this (although not nearly so eloquently

Quote:

So...I had a not pleasant thought this morning as to other reasons why I've been crazy making of late...some of it is definitely what I've said -- wanting to get reassurance from h that I AM good enough, that things ARE good, that he HAS chosen me, etc. That the world is AOK.

But...I also realized that my current mental gyrations are a way of keeping us both bound by a lack of forgiveness.

I'm not overtly asking for reassurances or bringing up the A...but my WITHHOLDING of joy, of complete acceptance of how good things are for us now, of love, of commitment, of calm is a way (in part) of reminding ME and of reminding HIM (I suppose) of THE STORY. You know the STORY -- where I was hurt and betrayed and on and on.

WHY? Because if I cling to the STORY...I get to cling to all the hurt. And I get to NOT QUITE forgive. And in some totally perverse (and untrue) way I get to feel a bit safer...

IF I don't fully forgive and it happens again, well, I won't have been duped.

If I don't fully forgive then maybe the fall won't be so hard or long.

If I don't fully forgive don't I get to withhold ALL that I am SO AFRAID of giving to him? Don't I get to do it "justifiably"? Well...I'd TOTALLY love you but you did this bad thing....

How convenient for me.

Everytime I look at him and think "are you still in touch with ow"? I get to do two things:

1. I get to keep myself mired in "the story" -- so safe
2. I get to withdraw and withhold

Oh, wait, another thing...I get to passively punish h. Yah, I'm not yelling at him or throwing it in his face...but I do get to protect myself AND punish him at the same old time.

I don't think the punishing element is the conscious reason...well...maybe the punishing of ME is...but it happens nonetheless. A byproduct of the pseudo-safe area I think I've created.

It's time for this to stop.
it's time to forgive myself and h.
It's time to stop withholding. It hurts both of us.
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I also can totally relate to your list of adjectives - afraid, insecure, etc.

Just wanted to say I really admire your ability to put all of these thoughts and feelings into writing. You have written out perfectly things I have been feeling. It actually occurred to me the other day that when I fall into obsessive thoughts about H and OW that this puts distance between us. Which is not what I want at all. So, why do I do it? Wondering why, when things are going so much better - I mean my H is back home, wants another baby, seems very happy to be home, why I obsess with thoughts of H and OW, fantasize about confronting her, etc. It seems all my life, though, that when things are going well, I've been looking around for the train that's about to hit me.

Don't want to highjack your thread. Just appreciate so much your openness and clarity.

Finding my way through this part is tougher in some ways than the more concrete rules of the Just-post-bomb period.

Hope you have a great holiday ~

Mockers2 "Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Friedrich Nietzsche