My Story - He Cheated while I was Pregnant

[sparks14]

H and I are getting along really well, but no "progress". That's impatient me being blind to the real progress, I think.

I have discovered the fantastic feeling of little victories. Staying extremely patient but seeing the small improvements.

We're talking and texting - I need to back way off on that. I send more than he replies. He likes them, but that's not the point.

Same here. Since we drop off our son back and forth every day, there is a ton of logistical conversation going back and forth. Bolt and Mach have been preaching detachment. I have been trying to go entire days right now without a call or text. It seems so childish to me, this play hard to get thing, but I it is amazing how it works.

I am glad to go out with my friends and am going to try to keep them from getting me totally intoxicated. Cause they are spending the night, but my babysitting H isn't.

Have a blast with your friends!

[Teratosa]

Sorry...its been a long few days!

I was horrible at detaching, but did finally detach some towards the end. I do think it helped me and actually him too. He got to see what he's missing.

It is really hard with kids. I would take them places and think how awful it was that he was missing it. Then I got to the point that I didn't think that anymore. Being a single mom was my new normal. Through it all though I stayed his friend. I tried to show him I was the better option than living alone and broke.

You may think you aren't making progress...but you are. He hasn't gotten an attorney and hasn't filed. My husband filed after two months but never served me the papers. Keep talking and texting. Try to let him initiate and leave him wanting more.

[AJM80]

Well, today I took S in for his baby shots. We were going to catch up with a friend after, but she had to work. I'd offer to let H drive us back home, since the Dr is near his office. Usually he takes a 40 min train to do his visits. So, the kids and I killed a few hours (did naps in the car after playing in their old neighborhood) and then he took us home and had his time with them. I picked up some old favs from places we used to eat and we had a nice low key dinner.

Tera, you're right about being a single mom becoming normal. I already tend to share more with my sister and dad than H. He chose this, it's a bad choice, but it's his to make and live with. although I'd like us to all come out together on the other side, the logistics of that scare me to death.

Sparks, don't play hard to get go be busy and happy without spouse. It gets easier each day and it's a good sign, I agree, that they still want/need to keep in touch. I make myself be more vague - sorry, I was busy...instead of, the baby pooped all over his clothes and D2 spilled milk and I just didn't want to pick up the phone.. It helps keep things more positive and provokes curiosity.

Aww, my 2 year old is crying. Gotta run. She misses her family a lot - even gparents, since they live far away and we

[AJM80]

This still [censored], but I find the more I do, the better I feel. Saturday night H came over and "babysat" the kids. he rearranged his schedule so that he could come by 6 so I could go out with some single girlfriends. It makes me nuts to know he may have spent friday night with the OW (shouldnt strippers work fridays?) - I really just want her away/gone, you know? she's not going to be in our children's lives...I'd just love for him to say to me one day in the next month, hey, I just wanted you to know I'm not seeing that girl anymore and I didn't really love her, I was just confused. (not saying I want him to ask to come back...just to say, hey, I have some respect for myself and our family and my family and sex workers are not going to be a part of that going forward.

Anyway, drank too much, but didnt do or say anything to set myself back. got home around midnight and found him curled up on the couch asleep with the baby. Very sweet. I've worried about him not bonding much with the baby, but in the last few weekes they seem to be connecting more. It's terrible enough that he's walked out on us, I don't want my son to feel like his dad only loves his sister or that they don't have any relationship. It takes time and some people arent baby people...I get that.

H paid for daughter's big girl bed and has been really nice about money. I worry it's money we don't have and he's taken a loan or something...but it'd be from his parents, so, I guess that's ok. And I still bargain shopped for it.

I hate him right now and I really thought I'd moved past a lot of that. going out wasn't fun - it was ok and I love my friends, but single, heavy drinking is something I've grown out of. So, note to self, stay away from alcohol...doesnt do much.

[sparks14]

Glad to see you out with your friends. Isn't funny how you grow out of things after awhile? I have tried to go out with my friends to bars, and I just feel out of place now. This isn't my scene. I usually am the first to leave.

I am learning to completely detach myself with the ideas or thoughts of the OW. If I don't my mind goes crazy and really takes me down. I have no control of my W's actions. I only have control of mine. Thinking about your H and the OW will tear you apart if you don't.

W is getting her own apartment next Saturday down the street "for space". As agonizing as it is, I just have to pick my chin up and say that I support her decision to need space right now and leave it at that. Inside I am crumbling, but I will not allow my W to see that side anymore.

I have picked up a ton of amazing knowledge on this site and learn more everyday. I hope you are getting the best of it as well.

Keep your head up. It will get better.

[AJM80]

Feeling really lethargic this last week. Eating too much fast food, not getting restful sleep. My gpa's prostate cancer is in his spine - he's had a long full life, but it is still hard to know he is in pain w the chemo and doesn't have strong odds to beat it. Also, we've known for several months that my young son needs a "common/routine" surgery. It's scheduled for next month and is under full anesthesia since he's a baby. And, finally, my extended maternity leave ends this month and I have to quit or go back to work. The plan pre OW was for me to stay at home w kids.

So I need help - H is being caring and kind. Taking good care of us financially. Came to dr appt last week and then took us to lunch before going back to work. I need to detach and move on, but I don't know what to do about job.

Do I trust him and do what I really want/stay w kids? Or do I keep the safety net? Well, I am pretty sure I could get another job in my current, not child friendly job...so maybe my 180 is trusting him to provide for us and not undermining his need to be the provider/"man"?.

Also, his parents are coming to visit soon. Staying in a hotel, but I don't want to hand over my kids for most of the day for a week and I don't want to spend all day at my house with them either. Before I would be at work and we wouldn't have this awkward your son is making a mess of our lives vibe going -it's not like his parents are happy about this. He thinks they just take my side, because they love me and I'm "perfect". Lol - but he takes their side and tries to please them to deflect attention from what he's done. Pushing me to cave to what they'd like (which as doting gparents is sweet, but a little much). I'll think of a compromise and hopefully half the visit will be over the weekend when H us around. They want to see kids. I dunno what they'll do about seeing him. I hope they'll at least go see where he lives.

I told them about the stripper months ago when I was very concerned about H's well being. They didn't talk to him - still waiting for them to leak that they know all. Problem is, H is not acting bizarre and I am no longer worried that he's a danger to us or himself...so it only has downside at this point.

[sparks14]

Sounds like you have a ton of things going on around you that are really stressing. Just keep trying to take care of yourself. I know it is hard right now, but you have to take care of "you".

Are you close to his parents? I say that, because in my sitch, I have been very close to my in-laws. I have spent more time with them in the last five years then my own parents and have developed a great relationship. Since the A came out in the open, there has been zero contact between us at my W's request. They have been very hard on her and are extremely upset. I just wish I could reach out and tell them how I feel and what my plan is for working though this. I know in the end, that these are her parents, and I need to respect that. W is grasping for their support right now and not getting it. They feel that if I contact them, it will be us against her. I understand how she could feel that way.

I do understand how the grandparents would want to see the kids. I think that if your relationship with them is okay, I would try and make it work for them to see the kids. If they know the situation, I know they probably fear that you will take the grandkids away from their family. Does that make sense? My W told me that my in-laws feared that I would get upset at the A and take a strong road towards full custody. Just something to consider.

In the end, I see this as the kind of A that will fizzle out over time as MWD suggests. I wish my sitch was the same in that regard. I really see some positives on your side and look forward to your updates.

Keep your head and up and take care of yourself! Detach and GAL! These two things could do wonders in your case. Show him what he is missing.

[Teratosa]

Hi,

Do not quit your job!!! I know you think this is a 180, but this is a very dangerous decision. If this does end in divorce, you don't want to be faced with a situation where you have to get a job quickly. Also, any lawyer will tell you not to make those kinds of changes right now. It will look very bad if you go before a judge and say, well I trusted him to take care of us even though he had moved out and asked for a divorce.

Although it is very important to make changes, you have to think about what is best for you and your child.

Good Luck with parents! My husbands parents came to visit twice since the bomb. Both times it was very weird. Don't engage them in conversation about your sitch. It will only end badly, and if you do reconcile you don't want thing to be awkward.

[AJM80]

Hi - sorry, started to post an update lst night, but was just too tired.

Talked to my boss, he said he'd make sure we got my unpaid leave extended. So, not going back to work (I've been on unpaid leave since before he moved out), but not letting go of that cushion yet either.

The child support laws where I live require him to provide enough money for us that I would be able to live on it where my parents/his parents are. However, if I was required to stay in the same state, we might have some issues. Sometimes I wish I had not confronted him about the EA. I know there is no way I wouldn't have - he was doing too many crazy things to just let it go.

I have a pretty decent relationship with in-laws - his dad is realy good at not talking about it, other than to just make sure the kids and I are ok in a general way, healthwise and financially. His mom is very upset about it, so it is much harder for me to keep and/or draw boundaries with her. Still, I've gotten better at it in the last 6 months.

I asked H about what sort of schedule we are looking at - he is going to try to be around for most of their visit to support me/interact with them. But having him around for 2-3 days straight, playing happy family, presents its own challenges. I did say that I'm not ready to give up all my alone time with the kids for a couple days and we'd have to find some balance.

So, last night, super weird. Early in the week, we had a few brief convos where I was pretty emotional. I'm having a lot of stress induced by the baby's upcoming surgery. But, I wasnt weeping or emotional about us. I did say us being split made this a little ahrder for me, because it had shaken my faith a little.

So, H brought over a large piece of furniture and I was super complimentary that he'd lugged it on foot from the store a few blocks away. He seemed stunned that I was so upbeat/excited - seriously though, I dunno how he did it.

Later he showed me a couple bruises on his arm (bizarre - he spilled on his shirt, then did laundry and just wore a zip up vest during dinner. it was pretty funny. Got weird later when he was folding up his clothes and it became apparent that he'd washed everything he could, down to socks and underwear. Apparently it's not fun trying to work full time, visit kids, and get laundry done) One bruise he explained, the other he said was a mystery. I said, without drama, that could be like a hickey bruise. He said it def was not. I joked, what, all women don't love to kiss you there (on the inside of his arm) like I did? That was pretty light - not sexual or angry, just joking around. I don't know if he's ditched the OW or just forbidden hickeys.

Once our kids were asleep, we had to talk a little about my job and his parent's visit. I don't think it went well....but maybe it did in a weird way? I brought up my leave ending and he asked me what my alternatives were and if I was ok giving up a career I had worked so hard for and if I was ok relinquishing that control. I said I generally felt like I could and should trust him to care for us and provide for us, but that he'd really f___k'd me over a couple times on that lately and I wanted to know what he thought of his abilities to live up to that obligation (not in those words, but that's kind of how I think I phrased it).

I was not angry or mean about it - I used harsh words, but a light, calm tone. He asked if I was still planning on moving away when the lease was up. I said I was considering it, but that it seemed like a hard thing to put the kids through. I asked how we were doing financially overall, he kind of said it is what it is and that he planned to move to a cheaper place when his lease is up.

I asked what his best case for the fall would be to give him an opportunity to give input(us moving, us staying, etc). He stood up and said, that's not a fair question to ask me as I am leaving. I said, (not emotionally), that we were having a conversation and he made the choice to leave right then. He walked out, without saying goodbye. We had another 10-15 min before he needed to go.

I texted later, asking if he'd left like that because he was mad or sad. He said he was just not ready to "go where I was taking that conversation" I wrote back that I wanted him to know that if he had any input on "best outcome" (for co-parenting our kids), that I would be willing to consider it/listen. I think texting his was right - I was not trying to pursue the convo, more just clarify what had happened.

Anyway, that was my night. I think I'm finally detaching a little more. I don't really want to fight with him, but I'm not being a pushover either.

Sparks, I know what you mean - it's hard to adjust to the new reality with in laws. They're looking to me sometimes to help them understand what is happening, since he's really turned inward because he's hurting so badly over all this. I'd send greeting cards, if your wife would approve. Still commemorate mother's day, etc. Gives you a chance to show your love without undermining her attempts to heal things with her parents or getting yourself in a weird spot with them. tera's right, sometimes I do get into convo's with them that I don't think I should be having...

[AJM80]

Jeez, I wrote a book. Well, this is like good journalling and I actually get feedback. I guess I need to dump some words out of my head.

Need to make a plan for the next few weeks and execute - starting to get a little routine going and letting my downtime equal stewing/getting bogged down some.