This is good and bad. Seeing your W on a daily basis like say Denver or Bolt is tough. It is also hard to keep your emotions in check. The time apart will serve it's purpose if you use it correctly. It is hard and gut wrenching specially since you are keeping the kids. My D is my weakness. Also you can use the time away to detach and think. You will have your moments of anger when she does not call, this can be a benefit also. When she does call and you are going through anger, let the voice mail pick up. Take your time to call back when your mind is clear. Sound happy on the phone and be excited for her when something goes well. The most important part is to remember that distance and time can be your friend if you use it wisely.
I believe the distance will give the W a reality check that she isn't expecting or prepared for. Especially being away from the kids for such a long period of time. The longest she has been away from them is about 2 weeks and that only happened once. Heck, she hasn't been away from me for more than a week at a time for nearly 15 years.
As for me, I'm sure the distance will be a challenging time. I plan to use it to my advantage. Take care of myself, the kids and keep my eye on the goal. I'll definitely be leaning on this forum for support.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Please don't expect your W to feel things that a normal woman should feel. This is a WAW with two A's (that you know about) and she's not thinking or behaving normally. That's why it's called "fog". I know she "should" miss her children....and she might, but just don't be too alarmed if you discover she is too distrated to miss her family (especially her H).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That is very good advice Sandi. The S's we knew and M'd are gone right now. They are someone else. For things to ever work out again, the people we knew need to return. When/if that happens is anyone's guess...
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
No kidding Sandi. I forget to expect the unexpected with my WAW. Thanks for keeping it real. It probably doesn't help that it is naturally foggy here half the time anyway. I know, I know. Lame joke.
I'm trying to prepare myself for every possibility. Tomorrow I'm gonna get my S squared away to begin school in the fall. We will be good to go with or without W.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Just keep telling yourself that you are not going to get upset and react to anything she may say or do while she's there. B/c really, for her part.....it won't change a thing based on your reaction. That's why you have to look straight ahead and hold the hand of your child as you go.
(hug)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep telling yourself that you are not going to get upset and react to anything she may say or do while she's there. B/c really, for her part.....it won't change a thing based on your reaction. That's why you have to look straight ahead and hold the hand of your child as you go.
(hug)
I need to get a temporary tattoo on my forearm saying "DON'T REACT OR GET UPSET WITH THIS CRAZINESS!!". I know it is going to be difficult to not want to lash out at the W.
My kids are my #1 concern. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to protect them from my W's madness.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
A few days ago when Denver asked me what my role was in the breakdown in my M, I promised that I would share all of the mistakes/W’s complaints when I had my journal in hand. I took ownership for every single one that I could think of and gave it to my W in my letter a couple of weeks back. Here they are and I will list them as they were in my letter:
-Not meeting your emotional needs. -Not including you in all of my/our decisions. -For not being proactive on your request (W’s LL is Acts of Service) -Not taking the time to understand your needs -Not telling you how much I appreciate everything you do. -For not listening to you when you asked me (what I’m sure feels like a million times) to stop smacking your butt. -Not spending enough quality time with you. -Not communicating to you how much I care for you and love you. -Not joining you when you went out with your friends. -For making you feel rushed when we were visiting. -For getting defensive when you would ask me questions. -For not spending more time by your side while we were at events/gatherings. -For not hugging and kissing you enough. -For making you feel like you were raising the kids on your own. -For not planning and doing more things as a family. -For allowing ourselves to worry about getting everyone else Christmas gifts and not making sure you came first. -For offending or embarrassing you with my sarcasm around other people. -For not telling you often enough how beautiful and amazing I think you are. -For not taking you on more dates. -For spending too much time on my phone and the computer.
Some of these complaints came after the bomb that I didn’t even know were issues. Anyhow, I took ownership for all of my mistakes. I now realize the many things I did wrong and the many things I could have done better. I have corrected all the ones that I can given the current sitch. If the W decides to never come back, I am sure there will be someone more than happy to take her place. Still doesn’t make this any easier.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Many of these are the W's complaints since dropping the bomb. I'm a much better H and father than she gives me credit for. She likes to focus on all the negative things(exaggerate them) and forgets all the good things.
So there's at least one or two good things about me. LOL
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
