What happened was, I read my WAW accurately and saw that she was indeed following a script she had no reason, nor even any power to change. I realized that she is still operating under the beliefs that ILYBINILWY, that "you are not the one for me" that "we are not meant to be together" that "you haven't really changed" that "nothing will ever really change between us" that "there is too many past and present problems for us to overcome" and that "because I can never get the feelings I need with you I have no choice but to find them somewhere else."
And these are just some of the beliefs that are driving her behavior. She has many others, too, not to mention all kinds of pressure and influences from family and friends telling her to move on.
So I saw all that well in advance, and I saw that she really didn't have any choice, and I was certain she would send me the divorce papers. Being certain of that, I had already prepared myself in advance, and I handled it beautifully when she told me the papers had been sent. Within a few minutes of getting that news, I had her agree to another DB session, and we both hung up saying "I love you." It was perfect.
Then what happened was my insecurity drove me to call her back and press for more. I acted unconsciously, and set us back again just like I've done before. She said many things that hurt, I acted like a wimp, and where I had already had a really big win, now I am feeling an even bigger loss.
I then allowed these unproductive thoughts and feelings to escalate to such a degree that I lost all of my composure and self-respect, I reinforced the unhealthy things that she believes, and I even allowed myself to think about taking my own life.
Hello? Hello?
So What That Means Is I am still far more focused on her, I am still asking and wanting and needing things from her that she really isn't in any place to give. It means that by pressuring or pressing in ANY way all I am doing is pushing her away.
It also means that I am still not showing enough self-respect and confidence to do either one of us any good.
Now What I am Going To Do About That is:
First, I am going to finish writing this thread and let my thoughts...compost for awhile. Just let them sit and maybe turn them over a litte bit here and there.
Then I am simply come back here and read through my entire thread, to remind myself of the things that I am learning, the things I know are working, and discard the things I know are not.
I am still coming from a place of fear, and focusing on things I am afraid of, which of course continues to manifest them.
What I must continue doing instead, is focus on becoming the kind of man who is irresistibly attractive. To her, to other people, and especially to myself.
No What
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
