Not Sure Which Way to Go

[sparks14]

So my question is how should I handle this type of conversation?

Dude. I think you did it the best way possible. I have found in my sitch, I actively listen, make eye contact, validations, and more listening.

It also happens to be a 180 in my R. The old me was not good at REALLY listening to my W. Sometimes now, she even tells me that I do not need to keep validating her thoughts. I find that kind of funny, but I want to keep reminding her that I am here to actively listen to her.

I think, overall, you are doing what you can. Just listen to her.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Ok, just so I'm clear.

You took your little one over to W's mom's house(W is living there now) and you went in and gave them baths at you MIL place?

That seems strange to me. I understand you wanting to spend time with the kids but that's not the time nor place.

What I see, is your W not able to handle the situation,\ dinner, bath time , story time. what ever the evening ritual is for putting the kids to bed.
What you did was rescue her from being inconvenienced.
I'm sensing you want her to start convo with you.
These are my thoughts. I could be wrong. It's just my perspective in the evening.

gr8

[downandoutintn]

That seems strange to me. I understand you wanting to spend time with the kids but that's not the time nor place.

It is strange and on a normal night I wouldn't have done it. It was not my weekend with the kids and we changed our visitations to what the D papers said instead of what we wanted to do. I was tired of not getting the same from her that I was giving so I took control and made it more even. All I wanted was a phone call but that is a different sitch and I am trying to keep that off of here.

What I see, is your W not able to handle the situation,\ dinner, bath time , story time. what ever the evening ritual is for putting the kids to bed.
What you did was rescue her from being inconvenienced.

You are probably right but at the same time, one of her complaints was that I didn't take control. So I took control. I guess you could say it is a 180. The old me would have never have done this. The new me wanted to do this.

I'm sensing you want her to start convo with you.

I don't know on this one I haven't really thought about it. Depends on the day I guess. The night I was over there I just wanted to see my kids.

[downandoutintn]

The only thing that has really changed is I am starting to see her try to make more contact with me. I sent a text to see where S5 would be to her around lunch time and never heard back (S5 has 2 or 3 different places he goes in the afternoons). Then once I got off she called. I didn't answer but she did call. I am staying as dark as possible without being rude. I keep contact as short as possible and I still am not contacting her unless it has to do with the kids or legal issues. She is making all contact.

Personally I am praying for strength and guidance and if I think about her I just tell myself "She is done with you, move on!".

Thanks sparks for stopping by. I feel the same. She told me quite a few times that I didn't listen to her. So this could be seen as a 180. Also how I deal with negative sitchs that would have previously made me lose my temper are not affecting me anymore.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Down

one of her complaints was that I didn't take control. So I took control. I guess you could say it is a 180. The old me would have never have done this. The new me wanted to do this.

I see a lot of you in the way I was. My W said I never took control when it came to the kids.

the way you show her you're taking control is to be the best dad to your kids and excel at being a single parent.

my W thought I would fall flat in my face when I had to take care of the kids by myself.
She was dead wrong. I She did noticed that I was doing an excellent job with them.
that's attractive, women like a man who takes care of business, especially when it coes to taking care of the kids.

What does the D papers say about custody?
I how you're getting 50/50.

I have/had them 50/50 from the start. Last May when we were talking about school for D6 she tried to get them M-F and I could have them on the weekend. I immediately disagreed with her and said I can't settle for anything less than half the time.
She dropped that notion.

[downandoutintn]

Our sitch was very similar to yours and I didn't take a lot of control over the situations in the R. That is my fault but I thought I was doing her a favor by giving her independence when she really didn't want as much as I was giving. Its not that I can't make decisions, I just wanted to provide her the best life she could possibly have. So this is another 180 that I will have to do. Not a bid deal since I am very competant to make decisions.

Well for us it was more of a I wanted to see them everyday even if only for a couple of hours and she felt the same way. Well I would make sure she received a good night phone call everynight I had the kids and she was not giving the same even though I would tell her to make sure they called before bed. It was a broken promise that she would have them call me that pushed me over the edge. I guess you would say a boundary. So now she gets the kids every Sun-Tue and I get them Wed-Fri and then we swap every other weekend. Really the only thing that is changing for me is I am not seeing them for the possible 2 hours on Tuesday. I was seeing them before. Also I have them on Saturdays while she works.

I do my part with the kids. I am making sure everything is 50/50 when it relates to them (the money, the care, and neccessities) When the kids are with me they are taken care of. I started by keeping them for a week overnight when she said she was overburden by them and then have been keeping them at least a night a week when since then. Now I am taking control due to her negligence towards me with respect to the kids and that is unacceptable, plus I enjoy my time with them as I always have. Boys need their Dad and I want to make sure I am there unlike my father.

My actions of giving them a bath was not neccessary but it is what I wanted to do for them not for her. They needed to get to bed and if I didn't do it then it may have been another 30 mins to and hour before she did it and S5 had to go to school. So I took control.

[downandoutintn]

No real updates today. When I dropped S2 off for her this morning she was asking a lot questions about why I was dressing nice and if I have someone else. Also about where I am going tonight. It seems like she is starting to loosen up a little bit. I am no pressing anything and just continuing on with my life.

Hope everyone else is having a great day.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

down

ihope your not telling her what you have planned for tje evemings. let her think yoi are moving on .

[sandi2]

she was asking a lot questions about why I was dressing nice and if I have someone else.

How do you reply when she asks those type of questions?

[downandoutintn]

Well guys sorry I haven't update much lately. I have been GAL. I have gotten so tired of everything she has been putting me through. I still believe in what is being taught here. I don't believe I would be where I am right now without the help of you guys. I didn't answer the phone last night and she started asking me why I didn't. When I told her I was asleep and she didn't believe me I lost it. Not really lost my temper but I just told her how I was feeling. She has really been crossing my boundaries. I am tired of being treated like a piece of trash. I told her this morning that I wanted to be left alone and only to contact me if it is related to the D or to the kids. She was not too happy about that. She said she had been trying to be my friend. I told her once again I did not want to be her friend and she was not acting like my friend since friends talk and hang out and until she can act like my friend I am not willing to the crumbs that she is giving. She contacted me a couple of hours later about business and contacted me more via text than I have talked to her in 2 weeks. Well guys this is the update. As of right now unless something changes I am done. I can't take the abuse any more and it is easier if I am just done with the sitch. I am not saying that things couldn't work out but I am going to be myself and for myself. I am going to change things I want to change and if she decides I might let her come along for the ride. I will still be checking back in just not as often. Thanks guys for your support.