Have decided it's time to get off the roller coaster that has characterized not only my relationships, but also my life.
A yogi once said to me "the landscape of your current opportunities accurately reflects the ambiguity of your past decisions."
I thought I head learned that after my first failed long-term relationship. But now after the failure of my marriage, I see it is more true than ever for me and still an area of grave concern.
My past insecurity and indecisiveness, my fears of being abandoned or letting go, my lack of self-control and ability to follow through...
These are characteristics that I have been carrying around with me all my life.
Yesterday, for the love of God, I was feeling so done that I actually thought of being done and done. Like, how would I choose to kill myself, because I'm just too damn tired to go on.
But I know our feelings change.
Hard to remember that when we are all caught up inside of them.
So yesterday I fell again.
In the afternoon, I was being patient and my wife was telling me she loved me and was willing to go to counseling. In the evening, I was being pushy and she was once again rejecting and denying everything I said.
Hello? Hello?
Well no matter if it was my mistake or not, that constant feeling of rejection is so damn painful that today I am feeling a desire to withdraw.
A desire to move on.
When I woke up this morning, besides curiously aroused and "standing at full attention" by a dream of an attractive stranger who was certainly not my wife - a very surprising dream because I don't remember ever dreaming of another woman in the past 4 years that Beckie and I were together - besides that, I woke up taking stock of where I'm at...
First thoughts and feelings that came to mind were:
I am suddenly cut off from my love, cut off from my home cut off from my income cut off from my dreams cut off from visiting an entire chunk of the planet and cut off from my possessions.
To my astonishment, I can actually see the upside of being cut off from all of that.
I am free to love another I am free to live somewhere else I am free of any pretensions about my income I am free to have exciting new dreams I am free to travel anyplace in the world outside of the U.S. I am free to be me
I am now free to be the me that I really want to be, and that me is no longer someone who is co-dependent. This me is simply free!
So I signed up and completed an eHarmony profile this morning, just to hear what I might say, and to see how it would make me feel.
What it did was give me greater clarity, moving forward with or without my soon-to-be-ex-wife...
What I caught myself writing was:
"Although I am happy enough on my own, having a best friend who is eager to share our time and space together is still my heart's desire."
That pretty much sums up where I am at and how I truly feel. Being clear about that essential path or purpose, gives me strength and focus, not only for myself, but also when thinking of being a friend and how to relate to Beckie from now on.
I feel the biggest difference is, I no longer going to be her friend with the intent to win her back. And I am no longer going to consider her my best friend, because that spot is reserved for a committed wife. Not a WAW.
Yes, I will wait until we have a counseling session before I sign and return the divorce papers. I told myself a couple of weeks ago that at the very least I am going to do everything I can to help her see what I can see, and that my position is completely understood.
Along with returning the papers, I may very well write down the black and white bullet point facts of where we're at and what I can see lies ahead, to help her to decide.
And I may even include the immigration documents with crystal clear instructions for her, details of the possible outcomes I can foresee, my perspective on her position, and maybe even the name of an immigration lawyer she can speak with to give her further facts if she is interested in making an informed, not just an emotional choice. Even though I am certain she is not.
No, I am certain my "Beckie" is needing to be single again and move along on her own, so it is time for me to truly set her free, and set myself free, as well.
It's a good thing and bless her for "forcing" me to see it by being so stubbornly true to her self.
It's funny.
The most amazing thing about what I posted in my new eHarmony profile was that it crystallized my knowledge and awareness that what I need is a partner who I can make good decisions with.
Right now the woman I married no longer seems to fit the bill, if she ever did. But her ability to feel good about her decisions is precisely what she is committed to working on for her self.
I know that up until this point neither one of us have really developed our own individual decision making abilities to the point that we can truly enjoy the quality of life that we desire. Neither one of us really has the lvel of confidence and joy that we desire.
So I can see now it is time for me to fully and completely let her go, and let her rise or stand or fall with her decisions.
And even more importantly, I can see how important it is for me to become even more response-able for my own health, wealth and happiness, than I have ever been in my life. How important it is take even better care of myself, and to manage things even more effectively. To live even more authentically.
Now I have decided to move on and enjoy taking even better care of myself.
I have decided to develop my self-control, hold my higher standards, practice making better decisions everyday, focusing on what I want and love, rather than what I have lost or fear, and start actually living the lifestyle I desire.
Happy, free, confident...so many amazing things.
For me the word of the day is balance.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
