At the last stop

[Orchid37]

Well, its 6am....I'm trying to re-focus - as the anxiety is very high first thing in the morning.
Today, I am making a conscious decision to NOT have a day like yesterday. It is going to be all right. I will be all right. I have made it essentially on my own for the last 2 yrs. anyways. My day to day life only changes in that I can no longer carry on this illusion of a relationship. I am not alone. I have God. I have myself. I have friends who are beyond compare. I have a family. I have a career I love. I am able to support myself. I have lost my best friend and the concept of a relationship and having my own family.

These are rough waters, no doubt, but, I will be ok.

I did text him yesterday and said "Got a min?". Just thought "I need to know if she is pregnant", but he never replied. I think that is what is difficult. The shred of hope is soooo slim, its non-existent. However, I am an optimist at heart and that is why this wait is so difficult. Its a more acute state of "limbo" - with a known end point. Difficult.

But, I'm focusing on him again. I do have many things to decide. First is, how do I decide what place to make my home? I will be done with this job in 2 yrs and will have to make a decision now on the next job. Its crazy bc I have no idea where to begin. Always thought...."i will go wherever he wants to". Weak!!!

I know I want warm weather. Water would be great, Mountains would be great. But, I worry about being 40something and alone. Hmmm....will have to research that today. I need affordability, as well. It would be helpful if I was near someone I know. Ok, its friday and I have the next 3 days off. I will come up with a list of 5 places that I would like to make my home!

Yeah! Today's blog was helpful!! The anxiety is less.....focus is on finding a new area to live.