Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Haven't posted for about a week. Over this last week, I've been working A LOT and as a result, haven't seen much of H. He's texted me a lot and emailed a lot, and we had one extended phone conversation. But still a lot less than previously. But I think that was needed.

The one thing we've discussed quite a lot is his desire to "figure himself out". We kind of discussed some of his "less desirable" traits. (I'll add that this entire conversation was initiated by him). He really seems to be searching for the "root" of his issues in a similar fashion to what I did for my own issues. I obviously can't give him answers but just listened and tried to ask questions that may get him to think. I think I managed to touch on a few things in a way that he never really thought of before. But through the conversation, he once again spoke in a "trying to make a decision about us" approach. This has become very frustrating for me since he's told me several times already that he "chooses me" only for him to say something vaguely undetermined later. I calmly asked him to please stop giving the impression that he's made a decision when in reality, he really hadn't. He asked me when he had ever said he made a decision. I mentioned last fall and in fact, last week when he said he "picks me". He couldn't disagree. His response was that when he said those things, he meant it. But then he'd rethink his decision at a later date. But he said he understood what I meant.

Anyhow, several days after that went by when I had minimal contact with him due to work. Much to my surprise, he made several life changing decision for himself yesterday. He formally asked me to accompany him and D when his parent visit next month (I had offered to not go since it tends to raise his anxiety). He also informed me that he had made the decision to NOT renew his lease. He originally thought he would have 60 days to gather himself up (and his stuff) before moving back. But later found out he actually only has 15(!). I spoke with him a bit last night by phone (he did most of the talking). I know he's been debating his lease issue for awhile. I've always told him that he needs to take his time and I didn't want him to feel rushed simply because of the lease. If he needed to renew, then so be it. He told me that while he understood what I was saying, he felt that by continuing to "run to his place" he was stuck in a cycle he wasn't breaking. And he didn't want to keep doing that. He went on to describe how he was AS frustrated now as he was a year ago when he left. At the time, he felt the frustration came from his job and in a similar fashion, from me. However, he's come to realize that it has little to do with me or his job, but rather the frustration comes from something inherent in the way HE does things. He's not sure why he does it, but he hopes he can figure it out and hopes he can change. He said that some of the things we discussed earlier in the week were quite insightful and have really got him thinking about his perception issues of himself. He mentioned a few times that we need to fix "us". I told him that I didn't feel we needed to work on "us". He needs to focus on himself. He understood my point but also feels that he is very very broken right now (which is true). He worries that being at home with me (whom he calls out of his league now), may end up causing me no end of frustration since he knows I'm different and won't put up with what I once did. I told him that I understood his concern but felt that I was able to withstand a lot more stress and end up LESS frustrated now than I ever have in the past. I've found an internal peace that has really helped in my dealings with D. I said I certainly am NOT immune to becoming frustrated or angry, but I'm able to refocus and find my center a lot better than I have in the past.

To make the long story less long (since this certainly isn't short), he's still "broken" but he's getting fed up with living like that. He's getting perspective that he hasn't had before, and I think that's significant. In a way, I feel like I've kind of been his counselor at times. He really wants to bounce things off of me and appreciates my perspective on how *I* approached my own transformation. But in the back of my mind, I had to remember that he's told me he was moving back before. He's told me he wants us to work before. He's told me HE was the one with the problems before. Since he started waking up back in October he's really been saying similar things but hasn't been able to back up what he's said too well. His anxiety attacks keep getting in the way.

When I got home last night, H was hanging out with D at the house. They were casually discussing where H's furniture will go once he moves back in. I was a bit flabbergasted. Despite telling me for MONTHS over the winter, that he was moving back, he never once had the guts to finally tell D. I think he knew that once he did there was no going back. So this is real now. He's moving back and it's happening soon.

Due to my constant working, I still haven't really talked with H about all of this. Today he texted me "You might be right about forcing things too quickly. Been a solid day of "issues"." By that he means he has super high anxiety. Despite his day of issues, he still went out to dinner with me and D. But as soon as we got home, he went back to his place. I could tell he was stressed. And unlike most nights, he hasn't texted or emailed me at all. Tomorrow we will be taking D to a weekend camp 3.5 hours away. The drive back will be the first time we'll be able to really talk about stuff in person and without D. I'm sure it'll be interesting.

Of course, the x-OW issue is still around. When we briefly talked at the house last night, he got a text (it was about 1030pm) that he quickly flicked off. I'm pretty sure it was from her. Seems an odd hour to be texting someone you're not still stringing along. I thought about saying something since it was kind of obvious, but I didn't. He KNOWS my position. I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he will drop the hammer on that issue at some point. But knowing him, he will drag his feet because it will not be a pleasant job for him. And in a way, I can totally see the difficult position he is in. He sincerely felt our marriage was over. He started a new R with good intentions (albeit a bad situation). This woman fell totally in love with him in a few months and planned to spend the rest of her life with him. Her move back here was partly because she hated the midwest but I'm sure the distance relationship had a LOT to do with it. Now he's faced with the realization that he left a marriage for possibly the wrong reason, started up a R for the wrong reason, and as a result has significantly negatively affected the life of yet another female. That's a lot of guilt to deal with. No it's not right. His behavior wasn't right. HER behavior wasn't right. But the pain and guilt are very very real. In my opinion, it's probably not helping his anxiety that he's not cut off all ties. It will be something I continue to closely monitor. Obviously, contact will be a lot harder to hide if moving back home.

As strange as it sounds, I've found the best way to gauge H's frame of mind is by the way he leaves the house. Historically, the old H would ALWAYS lock the door. Even when we were just hanging out at home. When his MLC hit, he'd never lock the door when leaving (which frustrated me). When he "awoke from the fog" he started locking the door again behind him when he left. When he started having second thoughts and retreated again, he stopped locking the door. When he woke up again recently, he once again started locking the door. Now, it changes from day to day. Yesterday, he locked the door. Today he didn't. It's a small thing but I find it so insightful. There is no doubt, he's very very confused.

As for me, I admit the idea of him coming back is slightly frightening. I never asked him to. Not once. I told him the door was open but wanted him to do it in his own time. I'm not sure if the time is right or not. But I can't make the decision for him and I didn't. I will recommend that we make a room for him to retreat to. Not sure if he'll want to do that but I think it would be wise. I think he will need some alone time to work through things. All I can do now is continue to work on myself and be an inspiration to him through my actions and my work. I hope he can make it through this. The fact that he's gained some significant self perspective is encouraging.

Here goes nothing....