Shine on you crazy diamond III

[sparks14]

But, she moved right in and hugged me. I started with a half-hearted, one arm hug, but she came in for a full one. So, I grabbed her and hugged for dear life. She didn't pull away. She eventually pulled away, but left her arm around my waist. As she did, she looked me in the eyes and asked me, "How are you doing?" As she did, her voice seemed to crack just a bit and I swear I saw her eyes welling up a bit. I smiled and told her I was doing fine. She replied the same. We hugged again. For the first time in months, I swear I saw genuine emotion and caring in her eyes. I really think the going dark must have worked on her a bit.

These are the times that get me the most lately. My W and I are finally getting to a point where we understand the path we are going. We understand the emotions. We understand the confusion and uncertainty. There have been a few hugs in the lat few weeks where I did not want to let go. I know exactly where you are here.

I guess I will chalk this up as a "small victory" for now.

You have to embrace the small victories, or you will get lost waiting for the big ones. I count my W's laughter in front of me as a small victory. All of the little things that are positive should be noticed right now.

But, I must admit I crashed a bit after she left. I hadn't seen her in weeks and it felt nice to be in her presence. I did cry after she left because I miss her so much. And, I was ready for her to be cold and uncaring. But, just the opposite. The friendlier I got, the friendlier she got. It was completely different than what I expected. I guess that shocked me so much, I collapsed emotionally after she left. And, she was still wearing her wedding band behind another ring. It was on the wrong hand, but it was on her hand none the less.

The emotional crash is just part of it. I break down all of the time. I am just now getting to a place where I am strong enough not to do it in front of my W. The last time we had an emotional embrace, she told me that I didn't have to be so stoic. It was okay to cry. I still do my best to keep it away from her, though. One embarrassing note, my W walked out the door of our house the other day. As she was walking down our sidewalk, I turned around and start walking to my bedroom. I had an emotional moment and yelled "I love you" at the top of my lungs not thinking she could hear me. I turned around just in time to see her open the door back up, as she had forgotten something. I wonder if she heard me, but I guess it doesn't really matter. The point is, it is okay to let your emotions go in a time like that. You are doing an awesome job and are gaining self confidence by the day. It is okay to break down after a moment such as this one.

Keep it up FOBD. Proud of you, man.