Ever had one of those days when EVERYTHING comes crashing down from every direction?
That is me today.
Gov. Walker (AKA - Hitler) announced in his new budget that the Wisconsin Arts Board funding is going to be cut by 58% - thier administration (who fights for the Arts in Wisconsin) is going to be eliminated and the Dept. of Tourism is going to manage! Holy Hello Wisconsin is going to hell in a handbasket. What this means to me is another $15,ooo I will have to make up for in my budget - when I already need an additional $150,000.
One of my employees is not doing thier job. The weather might make us cancel our rehearsal that is scheduled for tomorrow night...
blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda
the story of my life right now
As my Accountant says to me everyday, "see through this"
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Last Wednesday, I was pulling up to the house after work and H was in the garage with door open. I pulled into the garage and started laughing, he came around the side of the car and I told him that he was pretty brave to be standing in front of my car like that...I have a history of ramming things if he remembers (we both burst out laughing). He asked how my day at work was and I told him it was bad. He says to me...
why don't you put off the lawyer meeting on Friday until you get work stuff figured out. I looked at him funny and said that the stuff I was dealing with at work is on-going, there is no reason to put off the lawyer. He says, "just put it off." I said, no, that the lawyer already has the retainer everything is in motion. Then I asked if we were still going to tell the kids that night. He said, "no, I don't want to. we can tell them later." I gave him a sad smile and siad that we can't keep putting it off. He said that he wanted to wait till they got back from Florida with my parents (which would be March 16th) I said that would be okay.
I got out of the car and was standing right in front of him, I looked at him and said, "you are having a really hard time with all of this arn't you?" He looked at me with watery eyes (no tears, he NEVER cries)and told me that he was having a really hard time - much harder than I was obviously. I said very sincerely, "you said you dont want to be married to me anymore. we are okay now, we will stay friends and be okay." He gave me a big giant hug and a kiss on the forehead.
We have been getting along really well, I do spend most of my nights in my bedroom while he is in the family room. He is so funny, he will text me while he is sitting on the lazy boy chair - making comments about the girls or the dogs or what is on TV. Always trying to make me laugh.
I feel really secure in my decision. I am not faultering. I feel strong and happy. I knew it would hit him hard when I finally went to the lawyer, but truly it is more about the girls for him than it is about me. For that I feel sorry for him, the girls and myself. but we will be okay.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I can't get over your strength in all this. I could never stay friends with my XH. Just, never. The weird thing is there would be a chance I think if he didn't have the OW in his life--if we just were apart and divorced. I even think if we were divorced and THEN he met someone, I'd be ok. But her? No way. It just sickens me to think of him with her. So for that reason I can't pull this off.
But if you can do it, more power to you--because in the end it's probably best since you have kids.
Your progression is really inspiring.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Just dropped my baby girls off at the airport to fly down to florida to spend 10 days with my parents and my mom's side of the family. tons of cousins thier age - they are soooo excited. I am jealous wish I had more time off work.
Nervous though, D13 will be traveling with her cousin who is 18 - and they have a stop in chicago. niether one of them have ever flown without a parent before. anxiety!! D10 is traveling with SIL and her daughter on a different flight.
After I dropped them off, I called H to let him know they were off. I told him that I didn't want it to be wierd at home while the girls were gone. I don't want him to feel like he has to "check in" with me. He can stay with the OW all week if he wants. He was cool about everything and said that he would still let me know when he was going to work and when he would be at the house. Then he says (totally joking)that he wants me to check in with him every hour! we both laughed and I said, "uh, no, I don't think so" and he laughed and said I better.
If he does stay at the house it will be strange, but it will be okay. I have a concert this weekend for work and plans with friends most of the time, so I won't be home much anyway.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
My last post was 11 days ago. The girls were leaving for Florida...
H didn't stay at the house - didn't ask him where he stayed, assumed it was with OW. But didn't care. we kept in contact as friends though text messages and a couple calls. nothing big or important, just being friends.I had a meeting with the lawyer last Friday, and we had agreed that we would meet after every appt. to discuss so we wouldn't have to pay lawyer more money than needed. He knew I was signing the papers to actually file for divorce.
At the lawyer's office I was in a good mood and everything was fine. I signed the paperwork and gave the lawyer the needed informaion for the financial Colonoscopy everyone calls divorce. and then my lawyer, who is a personal friend, looked at me and said," are you SURE you want to do this?"
WTF???!!! what kind of a freaking question is that??
I said, "yes it is what both of us agreed on." I walked out of the lawyer's office got in the elevator and started sobbing. I got into my office (same building)and called my H crying histerically. Told him what the lawyer said and how hard this was. He got all choked up and was a wreck too. We got off the phone, and I calmed down. My recovery rate is very fast now days, so no more crying, just melancholy. I sent him a text that said I was ok. we were still supposed to meet at 4pm to discuss what the lawyer said.
He had a total breakdown that day. If there is a rock bottom to hit...I think he hit it going 50 mph.
He picked me up and we just drove around and talked. the consequences of his actions finally hit him and he was devestated. He was holding my hand telling asking me who he was? that the man he is today is not the man he knows he is. what had he done? He sat there and said that he couldn't believe how horrible he has treated me. I was the love of his life and look what he did to me. Look what he did to his children, his family, his job, his life.
It was horrible, but I was calm and strong. I was the friend he needed.
over the weekend he continued to crumble. At one point I was afraid he might actually hurt himself the way he was talking.
He asked if he could come see me Sunday - I said yes. He didn't show. I sent him a text asking if he was okay and he said, "no - I did what I have been doing too much of lately (got drunk) I can't drive. can't see you like this."
He assured me he would be okay for the night, he was at a friends house. In the condition he was in, I can't imagine he was with the OW.
Monday morning, i hadn't gotten up for work yet and he came home, came into the bedroom, crawled into bed and laid his head on my chest and held me so tightly I could hardly breath. I just held him. it was all he needed right then. After a while I had to get ready for work and left him at the house. told him to call me if he needed me. He came by my office (first time in almost a year) and asked if I could leave and come home. He wasn't doing good. I left at 2pm. Went home and held him again...he cried.
This is a man that I have seen cry 3 times in 20 years.
He said he loved me and didn't want a divorce. He asked me about MLC (when I had said months ago that I thought he was in a MLC, he thought I was full of sheot). Said that he thought he was going crazy. He destroyed his life and didn't even understand why. He said he now realized he had a wonderful life and he threw it all away, but didn't understand why.
He was killing me. I was done! I had come to terms with the end of my marriage. I had even kind of seeing someone else. I was very confused - for about a day.
Then on Wednesday, I realized with clarity:
If I really WAS done with my marriage - then I wasn't going to compromise once again to make H happy. He was going to have to do 3 things before I would consider not getting a divorce...
1. OW GONE COMPLETELY 2. therapy 3. If he really wants me back and says he loves me - PROVE IT! he is going to have to fight to get me back. and fight hard.
Because I am in a good place. I am strong and I KNOW I am a good, kind, loving, beautiful person that deserves to have a relationship with a man who treats me wonderfully.
If H can't do that? Then I can be his best friend and keep moving forward.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Good for you. The whole time I was reading this I thought oh no, please, I hope he isn't playing you in some way.
I think you're in a good position now and strong enough to make this stipulations and you'll stick to it.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
He still hasn't broke up with the ow - this is just stupid. tragic. crazy.
He was supposed to go to the councelor with me today, he still wants to - I asked why? there is no reason. He can't give her up (hasn't even attempted!)and I am not going to play games with him. Calling the lawyer to send the summons.
He has had the last 3 weeks - he blew it. I am not even sad. which makes me sad because I have gotten hard. Have needed to survive, but I like the old emotional me - kind of miss her.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
wish I had more time off work.